i wonder when george bush will be blamed for michael jacksons death. with cradle to grave obama health care, the journey may not be as long as we thought it was going to be. with adding 47,000,000 people to the health care system to lower costs, i believe this is the reason the mormons have so much money. heck they have been ahead of the curve for 150 years. i am going out and get me another wife and have three or four more kids.life is great. i didnt know the road to finacial success was so easy and of course the fun of making all of those kids. by the way if you see the bw,thats beautiful wife for those who dont know what a bw is, dont mention my plan for more wifes and kids. she may fail to see the humor in the plan. very narrow minded on her part.

remember as a kid time went by so slowly that you thought school would never end. now i cant believe july is over and school starts in a couple weeks.time flies by when your are having a good time. go ny yankees stay ahead of the red sox. after the allstar game i have another reason to dislike the chicago white sox. time to get to work see you later buy.

I know that I've posted this before, a couple of years ago, but it worth a couple of laughs, So.............................

The Chili Contest

Posted on September 18, 2008, 4:50 pm, by RT Cunningham, under Email Jokes and Other Humor.
My name is Frank and recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, mostly because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.


Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement..
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Fuck those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Frank. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a fucking grenade in my mouth, pull the fucking pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my fucking mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Fuck it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the fucking four inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Frank passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.

.

I have posted a picture on the '66 site from about 1956 of the vacation bible school class at Lynhurst Baptist Church. Come see if you recognize anyone.

Subject: The Lawn Mower
 
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I
heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make
sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single
wire along the top of the fence.

    Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for
26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5
feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key; the more you have in
the ground, the better the fence works.

    One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel
push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a
fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and
reached down to grab it and throw it out of the way.

    It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

    Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand
and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger
is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down
cow on fire on the cover.

    Time stood still.

    The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side
of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition
firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled
over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the
engine.

    It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower
were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

    Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel
movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM
BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes
in between, but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust
pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

    At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto
the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down, so I can't let
go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences .... but Dad
always had those piece of shit chargers made by International, or whoever
that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

    This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom
soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take
it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas......

    'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

    Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered
in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die ...
Pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely
and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go
command from its owner's right foot..

    So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing
in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day ...
He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own
stupidity had created.

    I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ...


    I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me,
out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

    There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing and
then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on
the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in
the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

    Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

    1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

    2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).

    3- Poop, pee, and vomit, when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as
you might think.

    4- My left eye will not open.

    5- My right eye will not close.

    6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better
than new after that.

    7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot
long.

    8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of
the number 4 (still don't understand this ??).

    That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

    The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I
can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him and THAT gives
me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check
before I mow.

.

if this is global warming, then sign me up for a year round package.

This will probably get tossed, but it does concern the class of 63. I don't consider it as ether left or right I would think it is right down the middle.
 
SENIOR DEATH WARRANTS:
 

In England anyone over 59 cannot receive heart repairs or stents or bypass because it is not covered as being too expensive and not needed.

Obama wants to have a healthcare system just like Canada 's and England 's.
  
I got this today and am sending it on. If Obama's plans in other areas don't scare you, this should. Please do not let Obama sign senior death warrants. Everybody that is on this mailing list is either a senior citizen, is getting close or knows somebody that is.
  
Most of you know by now that the Senate version (at least) of the "stimulus" Bill includes provisions for extensive rationing of health care for senior citizens. The author of this part of the bill, former senator and tax evader, Tom Daschle, was credited today by Bloomberg with the following statement:
  
      Bloomberg: Daschle says "health-care reform will not be pain free. Seniors should be more accepting of the conditions that come with age instead of treating them."
  
If this does not sufficiently raise your ire, just remember that our esteemed Senators and Congressmen have their own healthcare plan that is first dollar or very low co-pay which they are guaranteed the remainder of their lives and are not subject to this new law if it passes.
  
Please use the power of the Internet to get this message out. Talk it up at the grassroots level. We have an election coming up in one year and nine months. And we have the ability to address and reverse the dangerous direction the Obama administration and its allies have begun and in the interim, we can make their lives miserable. Let's do this!

If you disagree, do nothing.

Subject: Aspirin


>
> This message came from a
> classmate of mine. The advice is so sound, I wanted to
> make sure all of those I care about were aware of the proper
> usage of aspirin.
>
>
>
> This
> is important information for EVERYONE our age to
> read. We have also put aspirin in both our cars, in
> our golf bags and travel kits. The doctors said that
> taking aspirin immediately on the way to the hospital kept
> me from having much permanent damage to my heart.
> Sounds like a small deal but its really important.
>
>
> ASPIRIN
>
> If you take an
> aspirin or a baby aspirin once a day, take it at night. The
> reason: aspirin has a 24-hour "half-life".
> Therefore, if most heart attacks happen in
> the wee hours of the morning, the aspirin would be strongest
> in your system.
>
> FYI, aspirin lasts a really long time in
> your medicine chest........years. (when it gets old, it
> smells like vinegar.)
>
> Please read on.
> WHY ASPIRIN BY YOUR
> BED
>
> It saves lives!
> It is important to always have ASPIRIN in the home!!! Why
> have Aspirin by your bedside ?
> ABOUT HEART
> ATTACKS
> There are other
> symptoms of an heart attack besides the
> pain on the left arm. One must also be aware of an intense
> pain on the chin, as well as nausea and lots of sweating.
> However, these symptoms may also occur less frequently.
>
> NOTE : There may be no pain in the chest
> during an heart attack. The majority of people (about 60%)
> who had an heart attack during their sleep, did not wake up.
> However, if it occurs, the chest
> pain may wake you up from your deep sleep.
>
> If that happens, IMMEDIATELY DISSOLVE
> TWO ASPIRINS IN YOUR MOUTH and swallow them with a bit of
> water.
>
> Afterwards, first phone 911, then a
> neighbor or a family member who lives very
> close by and state "HEART ATTACK!!!" And
> that you have taken 2 ASPIRINS. Take a seat on a chair or
> sofa and wait for their arrival and ....DO NOT LIE DOWN!!!
>
> A Cardiologist has stated
> that, if each person, after receiving this e-mail, sends it
> to 10 people, probably a life can be saved!
>
> I have already shared the information!!!
> What about you? Forward this message: IT MAY SAVE LIVES !!!
> !!!
>
> Life isn't about waiting for the
> storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain
> "for unto each life a little rain must
> fall."

Terry,
My prayers are with you and your family for the safe return of your son...God Bless and be with him and all our brave men and women in uniform!!!

beth and my sister karen have been the best of friends since they were pre school age. her brother rick and i were alwsys together until high school. kind of driffed apart after that. beth has retired as a teacher from bd junior high and rick and his wife have moved to arizona. she was raised there.

Terry- saw Beth Engleman- she should do info commercials- what a voice.

Terry, our thoughts and prayers are with your son.

my oldest son deployed to afganastain today. he is in the 82airbourne. may God speed.

From a BDHS 56er:

Dan : Due to unexpected sickness in our family I need to sell my tickets to the Brickyard "400" I know you have excess to several boards and would appriciate if you would post for me the sale of these tickets I have 3 tickets to sell I will sell all or part they are located in Stand G - Row U (this is the top row) Seats 10-11-12 I will sell them for just what I paid for them $ 70 apeice I can be contacted by E-Mail Dave_Turk@sbcglobal.net or by Phone 317-831-4333 If I'm not at home leave message and I will get back with you. Thanks ..........Dave Turk

Very true Penny. They made great sacrifices.

Good one Marcy!

Terry,
You are so right....would today's Americans go through what our Founding Fathers and Revolutionary War soldiers went through to create our nation, or would we not want to be "bothered"?