Midday Connection Forums

As I am listening to your program today, something that I have been thinking a lot about lately has come to my mind.

Our new assistant pastor in charge of youth and Christian Education came a few months ago. Recently, he and his family had an extended visit back in their former church and area which happens to be where he is from. As they returned to their home here, his wife stated that she felt like she was starting over. This is home now and she loves being here but it's hard. I asked her to explain. She said that she didn't realize how much she missed those deep friendships that she had in their former ministry and being with her friends again really gave her such refreshment as well as a sadness that she doesn't have that here yet. The hardest part is that it takes time to build those types of friendships and, really, only those types of friendships can come from God ~ in time.

She caused me to contemplate this subject. While reading, recently, I ran across the following quote, which I feel sums it all up; "We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over." ~ Samuel Johnson

I feel this capsulizes the friendship of Mary and Elizabeth. At that moment ~ that tender moment when they so desperately needed each other, their "hearts ran over"!

Sue McCarrell
Hudsonville, MI

Responding to Jaime's previous post - Yes! I often think the same thing! We pray for God to send someone into the life of someone we're burdened for or for ourselves, but God can only send those who are His and who are willing! We need to keep that in mindand do both, I think....take things to God right away but also remember to be available to Him for His use.

I moved here 3 years ago, to get a way from a bad marriage, my household consists of myself and my 15 yr old son. I have not been able to find anyone that I could be a good friend with. Part of the problem, I think is that I have not been able to find a friendly church. I work with unsaved women and do not have any of their same interests. I have been so lonely, that I am going to move back to the Cleveland, Ohio area where I have married children and grandchildren. I really love the area that I am in, but financially and emotionally I need to move, and it is breaking my heart.

Thank you for listening my friends

Edited by author 08-26-2009 01:55 PM
I don’t feel like I have any friends to share my burdens with because I am a pastors wife.

When we got married nine yrs ago he was not a pastor and since so many things have changed. First moving away from all my immediate family ( I never imagined that for my life), having the role of a pastor’s wife, then getting called to ministry, working in the ministry, I'm know holding a secular full time job due to financial needs. Our most recent challenging project is planting a church.

I feel so overwhelmed and discouraged as we constantly battle for a balance with work schedules, kids, family needs, ministry needs, finances, ect. The real problem is that I feel my husband continues to put every one else’s needs before our family needs. This really boggles my mind and makes me wonder what kind of family life we would have if he wasn’t a pastor. But it's very clear to me that this isn't an option.

I feel so angry at him and want to be able to support the Lords work but it's so hard for me right at this moment. I'm tired of feeling that what I do or what we as a family forsake is not enough.

Please I just need some extra intercession thru prayer for clarity over this situation....

Jannette, I am so sorry you feel this way. I think alot of pastors and pastors' wives feel this way, but I think it would be so good to pray and try and find someone, perhaps older, with more life experience, whom you can share with. People who are not "shocked" that pastors and their wives are people, with similiar joys and pains. It is an honor to be someone's friend and to be honored with sharing their burdens. I pray you find a friend like this.

I listened to the radio program today unfortunately its the last day of this study. and you talked about homosexuality. i really am a struggler in this area and its interesting that one of the speakers mentioned this. and i was surprised to hear her say that she understood. i dont think i really hear that a lot but the anger that christians have about it mostly. and i just wish that i could really know that i wasnt rejected by others that they could understand me

Journeyvision - I'm so thankful you wrote. Sometimes we can't see how unlovely we are until someone like you holds a mirror up. We're all in the process of breaking the idols of our hearts -- our struggles are different, but we all have them. We need compassion, prayers, and love.

I get so many letters from women struggling in this area who write just like you, but they aren't willing to come out in a public forum. Thank you.

May we ask the Lord to give us His compassion.

Edited by author 08-26-2009 11:01 PM
Dear Jannette,

I am so glad you posted. I believe a lot of pastor's wives feel this way. My husband served on a church staff for 7 yrs while we attended seminary. God has shifted our ministry where he does not actually hold a "staff" position, but I can relate to how you feel.

I am not sure where I got the idea that pastors wives cannot have friends in the church, but I had that belief. It wasn't until an older lady reached out to me and really became my mentor that I began seeing things differently.

One thing I learned was to not take myself so seriously. I had an image of what a pastor's wife should be and what I was didn't fit the mold. I finally realized that my image was a moving target. I was never going to hit it, because I was the one that kept moving it.

What I learned after I stopped expecting myself to be "perfect" was that most everyone in the church never expected me to be perfect. In fact,they were actually refreshed by knowing that I was a fellow struggler.

I had the privilege of reading some really good books for pastor's wives and even taking some classes while at seminary that really helped me.

About your anger........you are not alone. In fact, by the time the older lady reached out to me, I was ready to explode. I remember saying to her, "If one more person asks me to do one more thing, if one more person asks my husband to do one more thing, if one more person calls my house late at night...........I am afraid of what I might say!"

Basically, I had emptied my cup. I stopped nurturing myself. I felt guilty if I took time for me or my family. My personal devotional life was almost non-existent as I ran from one church activity to another.

I am a firm believer that if the devil can't make us bad, he will make us busy. Even Jesus took time to be alone. I am praying for you. I feel your heart and I can tell you are weary of the way things are.

One book I read talked about priorities for minister families, but this can be applied to ANYONE.

Picture a target. The bullseye is Christ.

Our first priority (the bullseye) is to be a Christ Centered Person.
Our relationship with Christ must be FIRST.

The next ring around the bullseye is a "married person"-our relationship with our spouse.

The next is a "parent person"-our relationship with our children.

The next is a "Church person"-Be the church "daily" and as you go, not just go to church and get caught up in "busyness". Be the church through your daily activities, not just be busy in many "church" activities. Minister as you go.

The next is a "work person"-our occupations/place of employment.

The next is "community person"

When I first saw this target, I realized that I spent more time with my "community & church involvement" than I did with Christ, my spouse, and my children. What validity would my church and community involvement have if my marriage fails and my children feel I was too busy for them?

There are different seasons of our lives and we must set good boundaries in order to keep our priorities in order. One pastor's wife told me to ask God to give you "ONE" ministry in the church and do it well & learn that sometimes the most spiritual word we can say is "NO!"

I don't know you, but I am praying for you.

You are not alone, believe me....many others have felt or still feel the way you do. I am asking God to give you a special friend that you can trust.

Blessings,
Cheri

thank you bresin for responding to this. although i am a christian too i havent always been so i dont want to say that all christians have been like this i just am a struggling one. like i said i didnt get in on this discussion just started to listen today and was very surprised to hear like this discussion going about that lifestyle. believe me, there are a lot of people who listened to what you said today. and they wanted to know if it is okay to seek for help in the christian community or will they be rejected too. is it okay to come out of the shadows and seek help?

Dear Journeyvision,
What great questions you ask! I too, have struggled in this area, and I think Dee is right, we all struggle with the "idols" we have set up in our hearts. Our "idols" may be different, but nevertheless, they are all "idols". And the problem with idols, is that they hold our hearts captive. Promising more than what they deliver. The good news is that Christ came to set us free. I don't think the church as a "whole" is a safe place, but I do believe, that God's desire is to set us free, more even than we may desire to be set free, and I believe if you cry out to Him, he will bring you someone with whom you can share your inmost self with, someone within the body of Christ. I know for myself, that God brought into my life someone who I could tell everything to, it brought much healing to my heart. Remember, He is the one who WANTS to heal you, to help you, to bring you into wholeness. He is the Faithful One, He hears the faintest cry.

Dear Dee,
I don't know if you would ever want to start a thread dealing with this subject, but if you ever did, I would be willing to participate, and perhaps others who have struggled in this area, would feel more free to share.

We are not so different, just broken, wounded people, looking for love in all the wrong places.

FELLOWSOJOURNER (LOVE YOU NAME, FEELS LIKE PILGRIM'S PROGRESS)
Their website is temporarily down, but I think HarvestUSA.org is one of the most helpful and safe places for those struggling with either homosexuality or relational idolatry. I personally know many who have been helped.

I so appreciate your honesty.

Fellow Soujourner

I'll ask Midday about starting a thread. I'll also make it my next blog post (www.deebrestin.com) I agree -- and your input would be SO appreciated.
Dee

Thanks FellowSojourner,
I appreciate your words. Right now I dont know if I could ever think about sharing to another human being especially another christian in person. Its easy to share here where no one really knows you. But eventually the struggle gets too great to share even online and alone. I would definitely would like it Brestin if you did do a blog on this. I wish there were more things like this to share.
as for now, I just have to wait and hope that someone else cares as much as the people here seem to.

Thanks Dee! =) Truth be told tho, I feel more like "Much Afraid" from "Hinds Feet on HIgh Places! But she too was a "fellow sojourner"! =)

Journeyvision, I think God must be drawing you to a place of healing. I love what I heard once: A journey of a thousand miles, just starts with one small step! Praying for you!

I m really hoping you are right Fellow ( do you mind if I call you that?) I think that i could use a friend right now. its interesting how i came here to write or say something and now, other people are like wanting to be able to share. sort of like this statment: what happens to a dream deferred?
does it dry up like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore--
and then run?
sort of like that, my dreams of being whole or hole as you put it
are on hold right now