Midday Connection Forums

Cecilia, you should hold a bible study at your house! I have held bible studies in my house and have found it to be a blessing! NOt only is the study great but the fellowship is equally great.

Hmmm... I guess I should've mentioned that I wouldn't dare invite anyone over to my house. We won't get into the habits my roommates have. I honestly have a crazy situation that I keep wondering what God must have up His sleeve for me to be in this. So far, I have learned determination and patience.

Hi Cecelia! I have been to Bible Studies at different churches that meet on different days of the week, when my church has nothing going on, I don't feel disloyal to the church I attend, I just consider it reaching out to a broader base, meeting new people. The same could be true of joining others from a different church doing some sort of ministry or service project.

Shelly -- I think this is such a healthy perspective. We are all part of the body of Christ, and Jesus prayed we would be one in John 17. Important things are said when time is running out, and this was his last prayer. I wish more women would feel free to participate in events and studies from various churches -- it is a tremendous witness and blessing to be able to see one another, no matter our denomination, as sisters!

Thanks for your testimony!
Dee

Edited by author 03-10-2009 01:44 PM
My first time writing ... My family is 5 years 'new' to the area in which we live. It is a difficult area to move into, with most people having grown up in this close-knit community and not welcoming outsiders. I may have tried too hard, I don't know. All I know is that over these past years the friendships I thought I'd made have dissolved, all except for one and that is with someone who does not commit closely nor does she 'gossip' which is a big thing here. I believe she still speaks to me because she does not get involved in the gossip of others. However, this originated when there was a bullying issue at our school and I spoke up - more to find out what was going on rather than to put blame anywhere - the school did not handle it properly at all and I am told I should not have addressed it!? The mom who's daughter this involved has totally blackballed me - she's a prominent member to this community - and little by little not one of the people I was friends with even speak to me. I am so sad. My daugher's situation of the bullying last year has left her unconfident and not sure where she fits in - I see her trying hard, but her close friends too have moved on and she doesn't have a best friend. We pray every night and I try, daily, to cast my cares on to God for I know He has a plan. My questions is whether to just let this go and live with it or at least ask a question to one person as to why I am no longer included.

Dear LEFH
Your story makes me so sad. Bullying is such a real and terrible problem, and can happen to the new girl in school. My heart goes out to you and her. So often the best solution is to move her to a different school, but that may not be an option for you. I am also dismayed at the lack of support you received.

Have you explored any women's Bible studies in the area? Perhaps you already have. Sometimes that is a good place to find women who are more caring -- though we are all sinners, I know.

I am getting before the Father right now to pray for you and your daughter.

Dee

I have a "friendship" question, sort of. I have a friend who not so long ago, got a divorce. I have really really struggled with this - for this person who got a divorce was like the best Christian I knew. I would also consider her a "soul mate" or kindred soul. But this just kind of blew me out of the water! Is it ever right for a Christian to get a divorce outside of martial unfaithfulness? It's a big question, I think it needs to be addressed. I would really like to know the answer to that. Based on what I knew, I didn't think she had any scriptual grounds for this, and I told her so, because I believed we had that kind of relationship. But eventually my friend started pulling away from me. I did love her enough to tell her the truth, but I think what she pulled away from was my lack of understanding and support ( of the inward kind) of which I had always given. I think I hurt her. And today, I was in my car,driving, and I know within my own self, I have been hurt by her unresponsiveness to me, so much so that I figured - I am not going to open my heart again to her, thinking thoughts like I guess she isn't the friend I thought she was, but deep in my heart I can't believe she isn't the friend I thought she was. Then I started to think about relational idolatry. I thought what am I mad at? Yes, I am totally disappointed, and yes, I don't think it was right - but where do we go with that? A member of my own family did something way worse than that, and I don't believe he's truly repentant, and my brother in law says if anyone deserves hell it is him. And I thought you know what maybe he does and everything you say about him is true - but I think that is a lousy attitude - for after all my brother is someone I love, and if anything I don't want him to go to hell, and I am going to reach out to him and continue to reach out to him, so perhaps he may see the kindness of the Lord one day and repent and change. To just say that and do nothing - where is the love in that? Did not Christ come to save sinners? Is that not his heartbeat? I mean I went through all that - to tell him one on one, to take someone else with me, etc.. (1 Cor. 5). Is this not right? But today, I was thinking about this friend, and I thought to myself, is what I am mad at - is it that she "let me down"? So it got me thinking again about relational idolatry - am I mad because she failed? And would that not in some sense be relational idolatry? And how do I even get beyond that? How can I relate to this friend if we are not on the same page? How do I love?

Shelly -- I love your thoughtfulness, willingness to look at your own heart. Here's a few resources that I think would really help. YOu are so right about giving grace, and Philip Yancey's What's So Amazing ABout Grace is a classic. That doesn't mean we don't speak the truth to our friends, but we also learn to truly forgive. And Christians are too judgmental about divorce -- a great article you can read online from Christianity Today is What God Has Joined: http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2007/october/20.26.html

Abandonment is the other Scriptural reason for divorce and this article shows the Old Testament roots -- a husband was to provide emotionally and physically for his wife, or it was abandonment. You friend may not have scriptural grounds, but as you say, there still needs to be forgiveness toward her and love.

I'd go to her after reading these things and confess your part in the breach, even if it was just 10 per cent, and not say anything anymore about her part. She may or may not want to reconcile, in which case you will need to lay the friendship down and trust God to meet your needs.

Blessings to you
Dee

Thank you Dee - as always for your thoughtful and gracious response! I will look those things up! Thanks again!

Shelly:



Just be there for your friend.&#C2;&#A0; I've been thru what she is going thru as my ex-husband did not commit adultry, but, he did abandon the marriage.
He didn't want to be married to me anylonger.&#C2;&#A0; As my pastor told me at the time, you have to say that he was the unbeliever in the marriage.&#C2;&#A0; He was acting like an unbeliever and had turned his back on God.&#C2;&#A0; Just because as Dee stated in her response to you doesn't mean that she is necessarily wrong.&#C2;&#A0; Maybe he turned his back on her or maybe not but give her the benefit of the doubt and show her you still care for her.&#C2;&#A0; I think she will respond to your concern for her whether she is right or wrong.&#C2;&#A0; People used to judge me but they didn't know the circumstances.&#C2;&#A0; I know that Yancy's book will give you some insight and wisdom before contacting her.&#C2;&#A0; Hope this helps.


Lynda



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Thanks Lynda!
I just ordered the book, "What's so amazing about grace" - I think we all need more of it! I know I sure do! And I want to be able to extend the same kind of grace that I received. Sometimes, I don't have a problem because it's very plain to me, I have a sister who got a divorce from a guy who didn't take care of her or her son. They lived in a run down shack, he was self employed with hardly if any business, and wouldn't consider even working for someone else. She had to brush her in a bathtub, because she had no sink. She had borrow money from my Mom to just get by - I don't have a problem with that - to me that's simple. But my friend is different. I tried to ask her - I wanted to be on her side - but when I ask what the problem is - she just said things like I just never loved him. "I got married to him because he was a Christian, and my friends said I would grow to love him." Something like that, which made no sense to me - and this was a very godly woman, one I considered far above me in my christian walk. And it wasn't someone who took things lightly or didn't try - she was married for 34 years - I'm sure if you are married that long, there sure has to be or have been an effort on her part! I wanted her to tell me something which I could understand her side, but with that answer - how can I say she is doing the right thing? I just don't "get it"??

Shelly,

I have been reading your recent conversations. I just want to put in a little bit here. I have not been on this Earth very long. But unfortunately, I have had many experiences that have taught me this principle: 'Love the sinner, not the sin'. I used to be a judgemental person. And for some reason I thought that God was asking me to show others their sin and 'help them through it'. Well, I can tell you that it is much more rewarding and fulfilling to love them through it. I don't ask any questions anymore. I have been on the other end in which I had committed a sin. And do you know what brought be out of that and over to the other side? Love, love, love. During my lowest time, I don't remember the ones who judged me. What sticks out in my mind are the ones who loved me. This is why we go to Jesus. Because we know that he will love us in spite of our sin. And I believe that is what God calls us to do, too. I REALLY hope this didn't sound too preachy. I don't have the time to edit what I'm writing. But I pray that the Lord will allow you to focus on your friend and not what she possibly has or hasn't done. God Bless.

Thanks Vanessa!

Thank you for taking the time to answer me, Dee. Unfortunately, I have not found a study group. Changing schools has been a thought, however, what we are dealing with now is our daughter's lack of confidence and a change in her personality where she is just more quiet and awkward and tries awfully hard to fit it - making her 'not' fit in. She feels 'empty' and 'like no one wants her around' and 'she can't do anything right' - how sad that those are her words!

Thank you so much for your prayers -

I have a question - how do you get over a friend who does not want to reconcile - a long time friend? You miss them - you love them.

LEFH
In reading research on bullies, they often recommend switching schools. When the parent tries to help, often the bullying is exacerbated. I counseled a friend to switch schools a few years ago for their son was new and being bullied and it made a tremendous positive difference in his life. Praying for you and your daughter.
Dee