Happy Birthday Byron and Kill Kill!

that 'Call of Cthulhu' game

They actually want "Cat of Cthulhu," in which 2 clever cats foil a guy with a big octopus on his head.

CTHULHU: These mischievous cats are driving me INSANE!
BYRON: Us driving him insane...is that ironic?
KILL KILL: Let me check...in the NECRONOMICAT! Wait--it defines "ironic" as "rain on your wedding day"!
BYRON: That book is EVIL!

David "Daveykins FoxFire" Gontermanfrom FoxFire Studios-----http://foxfirestudios.net E-Mail addy: daveykins [at] foxfirestudios.net This sig authenticates this E-Mail as comingfrom me. If this is missing, please notify me about it.

Yep, I got an email from him. What was in it, none other than the newest Lost Boy Found draft. I have but skimmed through it, and it seems there is some new stuff. Anyone care to host it for a while? I think he hasn't made it public yet. XD

The light set on the frame of the phone beeped twice.
'Yes?'
'Human assets here, sir. It is about agent 009, sir...'
'009?'
'Yes sir, was undercover gathering intelligence on this, ah, David Gonterman.'
'Yes, yes, I remember. What is it?'
'We believe he's gone rampant, sir...'
'What? Rampant? Didn't you do a full Psych before he went into the field?'
'We did, sir, he checked out Ok.'
'Then? 009 was not the kind to just go rampant in a mission. He was the one in the hippie issue, wasn't he?'
'Yes sir, the University strike. We believe it, his rampancy I mean, happened after he got some information.'
'What information?'
'Apparently a fictional work by David Gonterman. 009 asked for a secure link briefly after securing it, then went rampant, then silent. We believe he was exposed to the... material.'
'Huh. I'll be damned. Do we have this material?'
'He did manage to send it, sir, along with a last transmission.'
'What's it say?'
'It reads, uh, it reads "I can't believe this, it is worse, it hurts me so, I can't believe it hasn't improved, he hasn't learnt anything, 17 mistakes, in only 19 pages, Oh god how, how how GOD!" '
'Rampant, all right.'
'That's what we believe sir. Nothing else could explain that. Nothing could be that bad, could it, sir?'
'We'll see, son.'

The hell? Did you sign up as a beta reader, or did he just randomly send you his crapola?

And either way, he sends his ickiness out to be checked by "Italians" who don't speak English as a first language? (Not that your English isn't better than his--it's just odd. Most people who want to be professional authors at least THINK that they have a command of their native tongue)

Eww, now I'm thinking about Davey's tongue!

Um, you DON'T want to know how I made him send it to me. Though, the 'italian as a proofreader not taken into account' argument is valid. Other fun thing i found out, Marcie is the very first person who reads each draft.

If this is missing, please notify me about it.

Um... if it's missing, how is the recipient going to know to contact you about it? The man is an e-security genius on top of all his other achievements-- a modern Da Vinci!

Exactly what i thought and why i copied it. SO, still anyone not up to hosting it for a bit? It's just 700k. anyone?

*crickets chirp*

Zef, you're a genius. You didn't have to service him sexually, did you? Because that would be all kinds of wrong.

I'd gladly host it for you, but I haven't got any webspace yet. :(

Okay, okay. Stop looking at me like that! I'll host the damn thing!
But it's coming down REALLY QUICKLY, so once I've announced it here, read it and/or save it REALLY QUICKLY. It'll be up 2 days, max.
Zef, you know the address.

Edited by author 06-20-2006 01:37 AM
I take it back. I'm not posting it; if you want a copy of LBF.beta sent to you by email, drop me a line.
Here, without comment, is the opening:

Expert from Nitsan Mutami's Neverland Journal, dated 15 May 99:
(Translated from Chinese and copied into Adam Packbell's Wiki by user NMutami)

Somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean between the two tropics is an island that isn't normal. Normal islands don't move or change shape at will. Nor do they have strange readings on electromagnetic devices. Or have their nature sounds accompanied by strange bell-like ringing.

Normal islands do not have denizens that would remind you of Classical Disney Movies either.

Neverland is an aptly named island.

The name came from a ship that sailed during the time Columbus discovered America. The ship wrecked on this island's shore, carrying a strange cargo of a substance described only as otherworldly, and a group of British orphans led by a boy named Peter and his four friends. The wreckage spilled this alien material, covering these five boys as it flowed throughout the island. The children found out that this material altered their physical makeup, not only stopping their aging process, but also enabling them to all fly unaided at will. They found similar properties with the fauna and flora of the island as well; so that no one on this island, as long as they stay, will ever grow a day older. Never. Hence, the island adopted the name from the ship 'Neverland.'

edit: Yes, I said I'd have no comments. But remember how we made fun of his goofily fakey Japanese name "Nitsan Mutami"? Now, it's his goofily fakey Chinese name "Nitsan Mutami"!
Hey, have you met my Irish/Italian character, Rufus Dingo MacHitler? He's also available as other nationalities!

Ah, the first failure of imagination-- Neverland must exist physically, and somewhere a late 15th century explorer could blunder on it. And isn't there a little bit of Daredevil/Ninja Turtle in that origin story? I can totally understand Bill's unwillingness to allow more than tiny little chunks loose-- like The Joke, which won the war for England, too much in one sitting would clearly be deadly.

Edited by author 06-20-2006 11:34 AM
The ship wrecked on this island's shore, carrying a strange cargo of a substance described only as otherworldly, and a group of British orphans led by a boy named Peter and his four friends.

Uh-oh.

I might have to dig up my copy of Peter and the Starcatchers. I smell possible plagiarism.

But then again, most of his "creations" have that "Xerox reek" about them.

(Yes, Dave Barry co-authored the book. Despite the fact that there are numerous typos and that he and Ridley Pearson took liberties with J.M. Barrie's creation, it wasn't a bad read.)

EDIT: And the ship's name is Neverland? I think that came from the book, too.

Aw crud, I missed it. I'd have hosted it for you, Zef.

I've had emails from Davey before, too. Back when I agreed to sign up to his LBF Smartgroup. They were pretty dull 'Hey, thanks for being interested in LBF, here's the site, feel free to comment (aka write it for me)'
I blocked him after about 2 emails.

Oh, I wanna see this, Bill :)
The boy who never grew up was caused by ALIEN GOOP!!

Oh, so the whole island is affected by this magical phantasmagorical 15th Century youth dew? Then why do the Indians age?

Edited by author 06-21-2006 01:57 AM
Tomorrow's a new season, and thus there's a new Comments page. Might as well get it started before this all becomes about the leaked LBF doc.

Mimi might/maybe be hosting it; if not, billsplut at gmail.com could mail it to you. I got it late last night, so I've only read a bit of it. But, yeah, it's terrible. And as predicted, "editing" would entail rewriting it.

edit: I've read a little bit further, and...Christ. Santa costume sabotaged by bullies! The Log Ladder! Oh, those good old days of high school massacres! Furry suit hitching a ride on the road to Arizona! Creepy insane Pan-obsessed loonie woman taking him in like a stray! Out-of-the-blue, decade-old hating of Rescue Rangers and Sailor Moon fans! TARA KIT, android fuckbot, AGAIN!!
And I've only read a little bit further!
It never ends, does it?

Oh, and I should point out that he's writing fiction as if it's "experts" (not "excerpts") from nonexistant Wikipedia entries. You have no idea how bad an idea that is. I'd grant him a point for being the first to think of doing it--but this is Davey, and there's no gourddamn WAY he thought that up first.

Ooh, here's an expert!
"But I think that it’s some constant globetrotting research of some sort. I know this because when he shows up, Dad’s got something new and exciting to show me. One day I might join him on one trip and find out where he gets this stuff, but I wonder if it’s something I shouldn’t know about, like how a teen girl gets their periods, ugh."

expert two!

However, it was the when that unnerved her. And Copper as well. “. . . that happened Christmas Eve.”

“Yes?”

“Nineteen Hundred and Eighty. AD.”

She checked the date on the cell phone: It was barely a week after New Year’s Day. The year was 1996.

“Wendy, dear, this happened fifteen years ago. And by your image from your camera phone, he hasn’t aged a day.”

No, Nineteen Hundred and Eighty. YOTGW--the YEARS OF THE GERBIL WARS!
And, if you read on, yes he thinks that in the ancient and long-forgotten year of 1996, everybody had cell phones with cameras. And they regularly used them to check WHAT YEAR IT WAS.

Hey, here's something from the fuckbot chapter:

Her voice was down to a soft whisper as she moved over to his ear to say, “I will love you, Adam Packbell, for all eternity.” She then gently pressed her lips against his an offers him a very warm and long kiss.

Adam’s eyes fluttered open as he feet Mother’s kiss, awake, though still enchanted by that magical dream.

Yes, he was being kissed BY HIS NEW MOMMY.

Well, the wiki aspect (aspert?) is new, but it's really just an epistlary novel, innit? Which was an established item when Stoker wrote Dracula... which I think might even have happened before the invention of the cel phone!

I meant to comment yesterday on the Russ Meyer film mentioned in The News-- I saw the end of that on TV recently (we have remarkably liberal TV up here), and two thing occurred:
-"Say, that's awfully good film stock for Russ Meyers."
-(in the mode of Patrick Warburton) "That fella's got bosoms! Hawhawhaw!"