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thanks for your great words in your coming home from college column ... I will share this with others that are on pins and needles awaiting the arrival of their young adults and will appreciate this great advice. Also we have a group we started a grop to support each other that have young adults already graduated from college and still in college or graduate school. We share advise on how to continue to support & encourage them as young adults and not kids we sometime continue to see and treat them as... Any suggestions of book or other groups we can connect with please advise... Keep up the good work Casey, will be in touch during the holidays..

Hi Anita,
Your Chicken Soup Sisterfriend here. I just read the article on the Empty nest Syndrome. Boy could I relate. Just getting over the fact that My son has finished college and moved to Houston to start his Aerospace career at NASA has finally sunk in. I am very proud of him but miss him terribly. It's a long way from Detroit to Houston. When He was in College at CASE, he was only 3 hours away in Cleavland and sometimes would surprise me and drive home for the weekend. Well it will be none of that anymore. Now we are making plans for Christmas. I just want to encourage other emptynesters out there. Just Continue to Pray for your child and know that God can watch over them better than we ever thought we could. Be Blessed and Highly Favored of the Lord!!!!

In your column, "Lord, where's my mate", your comment regarding "I believe God considers marriage a promotion" connotes that married women are better than single women.

Hey Everybody!

I'd like to know what you think. Now that we're back in school, is it easier or more difficult to keep kids active and eating healthy? And if you have any strategies for keeping kids fit and healthy--please share them!

Let's Dialogue!

Anita S. Lane
Founder & Executive Editor
www.KeepingFamilyFirst.org

Shekini, I'm so glad you enjoyed the Sneaky Chef interview. I hope it inspires all of us to be more creative in our approach to getting the nutrients we need. The next book, "The Sneaky Chef for Your Man" should provide useful ideas and recipes as well.

Thanks for reading!

Anita
Executive Editor, Keeping Family First

I truly enjoyed the Sneaky Chef interview. I don't have any children. But I listened anyway for tips on how to get my husband and other family members to eat better. I'm definitely looking forward to her next book that will focus on men.

I am under the impresion that before I can make a deision on where we are today, I first must take a look at where we have come from. Historically, the African family, was ripped apart due to the slavery experience. Heads of households stripped from families as a way to tear down the black family. I believe this historical remnant has left an unatural rip in the Black family fabric as a whole.

Have you heard of this new sing-a-long for kids? My kids love it!!! Its called Mustard Pancakes with this woman named Courtney. My kids are really into it and I think it would be great for the whole family, since it teaches family values.

There's a new DVD out called Mustard Pancakes with Courtney Campbell. I wasn't aware about this DVD until I heard the "buzz" about it at my salon from other moms who have kids. So I logged on to www.mustardpancakes.com and ordered the DVD and music CD. My children sit still each and every day watching this DVD learning good manners and great speech etiquette. I sat and watched a few scenes myself and am thrilled of how great this is for children. If you get a chance, visit www.mustardpancakes.com and see for yourself.

"My Daughter Wore an Afro to School" is an awesome article. I loved it and I have had the exact same experience with my own fearless daughter. I just want to add, a fearless disposition in our daughters is a reflection of our daily courage- she just applied in another area...
Sometimes I forget my own power and strength until it is displayed with such ease by my two daughters, age 7 and 3 1/2. They walk in their divinity and they don't ever apologize for knowing who they are. Bless God! This world wants an apology; it wants us to accept guilt for Clarity's sake...
Thank you for the courage to write this powerful article- and I acknowledge your fearlessness in publishing your thoughts for the rest of us to ponder and with courage, appreciate.

Hi
 
Great book. I just want to say what a fantastic thing you are doing! Good luck!
 
 
Bye

It is every monther's desire that her daughter is blessed with a spiritually mature husband that understands her needs and the importance of building confidence and security within the family.

Terrence T. Lane is a wonderful husband and father. I thank God (and Anita) for the "son" I've always wanted!!!

Hey good people, I'm a single dad out here and i've had the pleasure of raising my son since he was 3 yrs. old. He's now 12 yrs. old. God has truely blessed my son and I. We have a great relationship. We both understand that family is first. One more thing before I leave I am a full time dad never ever been a dead beat dad. My pastor Keith A. Butler taught us a lot and leads by example. So if you are a single dad do all you can for children so they can see where your sense of humor come from and see what part of the earth you come from.

Bless All Single Dads

How sad to hear about doughboy.This is one time "sad" news brought laughter. Everyone needs a good laugh sometimes - especially in this "uptight" world we live in. Boy! Would I like to be "rolling in dough" right now!

Also, Anita, I want to thank you for making things so easy to read and find in your magazine.I will be forwarding your link to all of my email buddies.

Regarding Dads: This is an excerpt from my autobiography, Born Grown. Chapter One: "Eyes Like My Father."

"You have your father's eyes." These are among the few words my mother could tell me about my father. I never knew my natural father, wish I never knew my stepfather and, in many ways,I grew up without a mother. In essence, I raised myself, my brothers, my sister, and I was a caretaker for my deeply troubled mother. I had no aunts, uncles,or cousins, no grandparents to provide the unconditional love that only a grandparent does instinctively. If I were to describe myself in one word it would be "Orphan."

Last words, last chapter, Born Grown:

"Although my natural father never laid eyes on me, my Heavenly Father has never taken His eyes off me. The orphan spirit is gone...And I know what it is to be called "Daddy's girl."

Thank you, Valerie Coleman, for you article on Blended Families. Reading it brought back the memories I had as a child. On top of being adopted while a baby, I saw my parents go through a divorce, had to "get use" to a stepmother, stepfather, stepbrother and stepsisters, heard the argument between mother and stepmother as to who should present me at the debutante ball, etc, etc, etc. The struggle definitely takes a toll on those involved. Your article presents ways "blended families" can work together to make life less stressful and more enjoyable. Sure, it takes some work, but is there anything in life that doesn't. Looking forward to more articles from Valerie.

I would agree, that fathers are portrayed negatively. However, what we can do is speak power into being by looking at the positive things fathers contribute. Hold them accountable. Ladies, please be gentle with your words.... their are two ways to get something done with honey, which has a good taste or vinegar which is bitter. The chose is ours... We are the mothers of the entire earth! We give life to all things!
 
I wrote my own analogy of a father: he is the provider,the head of the family, the supporter to his mate, the protector, the strong hold to our nation. Women we hold the key to support and empower our men to be all they can be. The spirit must be nurtured in order for these men to go forward and thrive in this world.
 
Associate yourselves with people who value life and life with wisdom. God Bless



************************************** See what's free at http://www.aol.com.

Hey Everyone!

It's May. It's our Annual "Men's Issue" and we've got a new HOT TOPIC to delve into. I don't know if it's just me, but it seems as though popular media gives Dads a bad rap. They are either not around, negligent, abusive, irrelevant or dopey.

Do YOU think today's Dads are misrepresented and underappreciated? Yes? No?

If you do, what can we do to stop the Dad-bashing in our culture?

Let's Dialogue!


Anita S. Lane
Founder and Executive Editor
Keeping Family First Online Magazine

I truly believe when married people are equally yoked, whatever they do in harmony will prosper. May God continue to bless you and your family.


************************************** See what's free at http://www.aol.com.

Edited by author 03-30-2007 01:51 PM
In response to the question of the month...
"She earns MORE money--She may even be the primary bread winner. Does this impact traditional family roles? Should it?"
When my husband and I were first married, it seemed that I was always able to land the better paying jobs. This became an issue mainly because we were very young and immature! But, also because at the time my husband was content with it being that way and I was not. Being physically tired most of the time attempting to keep the household going while working a full-time demanding job, placed such a heavy weight upon my shoulders that after seven or eight years I completely “burned out.” With our marriage “burned out” as well, we were “divinely interrupted” and we were both “born again” and experienced a “born again” marriage all at the same time! We began to understand our dilemma from a Godly perspective. My husband now desired to serve our family and God blessed him to bring home the “bread the butter and some bacon and eggs too” and a great load lifted off my shoulders!!!
I believe in an ideal world (the world before the fall of mankind) if "she" earns MORE money than "he" it would not matter because they would surely understand that whatever they brought to the table it was for the common good! There would be no need for competition nor would there be any fear of abuses of power or authority.
Unfortunately, we don't live in an "ideal world" and because we do not, we require a lengthy list of rules and regulations that define clear roles and boundaries that are now imposed from the outside in.

I believe God created men with a built in need to protect and provide for his wife and children (which is part of the image and nature of God that man inherited). God gave man a job after he created him and that was before he had a wife. The scriptures teach us that “it is good for a man to work” and I truly believe that a man’s self esteem is wrapped up in his ability to provide for his family. Whenever the man is "established in the field" as scripture suggests, his role is not threatened but edified when his wife adds to the home in financial abundance (Proverbs 31).

When “She” makes more money than “He”... it will take a "new heart", maturity and lots of LOVE between spouses in order to rid the marriage of any “fear” surrounding this delicate issue. But, when “Love” not "money" is the most important ingredient in a marriage, not only will the two flesh become one, so will the purse and the wallet!

Well said, Mr. Faulkerson!

Mr. Wendell, blessing to your family for having staying power. What is your family remedy. To have such stability you must be doing something consistant. I don't want to assume so I thought if not to personal please share. thank you and may god continue to bless you and your family.

There are so many African American Men that make it very hard for their wives in staying married and being family. I understand the struggle, however, it does not have to control your life. If the front door closes go around the back. I believe that black men are afraid of a an educated successful black women. They act out their little boy insecurities by cheating. That doesn't solve the problem it only complicates the issues at hand. Lies, betrayal and deceit have truly taken its place in the family. Not many people think about the future or how its going to affect their children. The new demon is the internet, cellphone and any other high electronic technology that people use to be deceitful. For those that confess they beleive can commit such behavior and say that God is the head of their lives draws me to a conclusion of silence.......

Blessed love to all of you. My thought is how do we empower when we seem to always talk our blessings away. That is my problem. I know better than to listen when I am going through a situation that may cause a little stress, is to try to stay away from ones who will give me a big present of doubts, and fears. I know the creator is the only source of my /all good. I must overcome my mind's MP3 ready loaded little sayings to make you feel depressed or alone etc. We must see the conditioning from our childhood and the TV and the people around us as wombman to keep us limited and somewhat useless and powerless to ourselves and families. I want to change. I am determined to change that in myself.
Stay strong and know that you will overcome what ever it is holding you back my sisters.

Re: CASA
Hello everyone, hope you're all ready for a blessed weekend.
Can anyone tell us more about CASA, sounds like a great opportunity to do something in the community. Who is eligible to work with them and how can one get involved if willing to volunteer?
Thanks

I really shouldn't make a difference who makes more, but that's what more and more men are having to face in this day and age. As the article suggested, a women will feel more at ease submitting to a man (spouse) is has a vision and knows or has some sort of plan to get there, but it she feels that they are just going around in circles, then the gifts that God has placed in her start to becoming more dominant and her mode of survival starts to kick in. It's not biblically right by all means, but men have got to step up to the plate and stop sitting back and waiting on the woman to do things that he has been placed in position to do. I mean, if he's going to "claim to be the head of the household" that means in all that he does, not when it is convenient for him to do so. We are loosing too many of our your men to crime or jail, so women are finding themselves having to step into the role of being provider, but instead of loving us more, we are being overlooked and passed by to go to the next person who will just lower herself or her desires just so she can have a man!
Women, black women especially, we blessed to be so adaptive to their environments, being able to function with or without a man, single or married parent and now our black men just can't seem to adjust to that! So, I say, start having classes that are showing our men how to get back to the days where truly walked in their positions of the head and the woman submitted and did all that she could to make him and let him know that he was such instead of making us bear the weight all by ourselves

I believe that it ought not make any difference who is making the most money. If the primary focus of that money is the sustaining of the family, why would anybody care who brings in the most? My Manhood is not determined by the amount of money that I make. Nor is it lessened if the Woman to whom I am married makes more than me. Because she has the drive to be the best that she can be, ought I stop her from fulfilling and achieving her dreams? I don't think so!

As a Men, we ought to get over the idea that because a Woman makes more money than we do that we will be subservient to her. We each have roles to play and as long as we compliment one another, something as fleeting as money ought not even be included in the equasion(sic).

And for those who DO want to make more money or help others make more money, there is a wonderful Opportunity to do that:
http://www.ourgv.com/mrmillionaire

It has been my observation that the issue of the woman as the primary wage earner brings up feelings of resentment, on one hand, and gratitude on the other. To the man who has been struggling with his issues of low self esteem, prior to such a relationship,resentment may well develop.The trappings of low self esteem begin to manifest itself into behaviours indicative of resentment.If the couple fails to effectively communicate and address the underlying problem appropriately ,things tend to get worse.

On the other hand ,a couple who can separate negative and foolish societal views and standards on the subject, may not have problems in the area at all. It's not the most money that makes the man, it's the man, and woman, who makes the most of the money that they have. A man who has his self esteem in place, and the woman who helps to keep it there can only be grateful to God for whatever they have, and whomever brings it in.

Thanks a million Valerie Coleman for your insight on "blended families" and how you can THRIVE and not just survive in that situation. I am proud NOW to say I have come from such a family. I did not understand why I had to have step mother and step father and I was a bitter child during parts of my growing and formative years. However after reading your insights and personal experiences, it lets me know GOD had a plan in spite of man. As humans we make mistakes, But the WORD tells us that "GOD always has a way of escape" if we seek his way! I grew up and lo and behold, my children had to experience "the blended family" concept as well. Society tries to label US and make those type of families feel that are not as important as the traditional family. I thank GOD for people like Valerie Coleman who boldly share the experience of a Blended Family with no holes barred!

Hebrews 10:24

Because I care, I share

Why do you think guys are so intimidated by high wage-earning women? I'm sure some believe that situation contradicts the biblical mandate for men to "provide for their families." But in talking to guys about this issue, I find that a lot of it is due to insecurity. And lack of training on what "leading" really is. I think some men believe that if their wife earned more money than them, they would lose the power to lead or be the head of the family. I don't think that's true at all. My wife earns more money than me, yet she submits to my leadership, probably because I'm not threatened by her intellect or skills.

But hey, admitting insecurity is the first step to changing your attitude.

Edited by author 03-01-2007 03:32 PM
Welcome to the March-April 2007 issue of Keeping Family First!

This month we celebrate Women's History and acknowledge the innumerable contributions of women throughout the ages. And in keeping with this theme, one of the things women are now contributing more of is cash.

Hence, our question of the month:
She earns MORE money--She may even be the primary bread winner. Does this impact traditional family roles? Should it?

Our KFF for Dads editor, Randy, wrote a VERY good and intriguing article about women breadwinners in the KFF for Dads section, and I thought this was a topic worth discussing. What's your take?

When women earn more, does it change our roles at all? Should it?

Let's chat! (And remember to tell us where you're from).

Anita S. Lane
Executive Editor
Keeping Family First

I would first like to thank Minister Mary Edwards for introducing me to this absolutely amazing web-site. It has certainly been developed for "such a time as this." I have read through a great many of the responses on the topic of discussion "Why aren't African Americans Marrying"? and will try to make this as brief as I possibly can. In March of 2004, my husband and I began a ministry under the direction of the Lord, called "Young Married Couples Covenant Connection". Our goal was to "Raise the Standard of Holy Matrimony" through the teaching of the Word of God, and believing prayer to encourage, strengthen and empower the young couples God had sovereignly placed in our lives, with tools to fortify their marriages. Under the direction of the Holy Spirit, last September (2006) we began hosting a tele-conference call every Thursday evening (EST) from 9:00 PM - 10:00 PM (EST)in an all out effort to provide help from the sanctuary!!!! We were able to present older seasoned couples as special speaker's who dissected Holy Matrimony and used couples in scripture as well as personal testimony to instill prinicples and values necessary to maintain a healthy marriage.
We were even more compelled after the Columbus Dispatch, Sunday, August 20, 2006, posted an article titled,"Too Wary to Marry", "Young blacks see marriage as a doomed entrapment", in which a 15 year old African American young lady said, and I quote from the Dispatch, "I don't know anyone who's married, or anybody who is married and stayed married." A 16 year old African American young man who summed marriage as "launching a power struggle between sppouses". Another 17 year old female was quoted as saying, " I'm not looking forward to marriage and I don't think we should be married, because I see how other marriages ended up in my family and on television. It's always a disaster." We've contacted the writer of his article and invited her and the young people in this article to join us on the conference call, so that they could meet couples who had been married from 2 years to 47 years. Although we have not heard from them, we will never forget this article, which has motivated us to sound the alarm!!!
"MARRIAGE" is under attack!!! Marriage alternatives are surfacing by DEFAULT. The marriage crisis is not just an African American Family issue, but we have undoubtedly been hit the hardest by it's unraveling affect. But, there is "Good News"!!! Isaiah 59:19b (KJV) say's:
"...When the enemy comes in like a flood, the Spirit of the LORD will raise up a standard against him."

THE Standard - JESUS CHRIST - is being raised in the hearts of those who are determined to "SUBMIT" to Him (which makes us "holy" and good candidates for "Holy Matrimony"). Marriage is a big deal to God! Mankind began with a marriage in the Garden of Eden. The first miracle that Jesus every performed was at a wedding and when He returns there will be another wedding - the "Marriage Feast of the Lamb"! These three have many things in common, Jesus was present at all three and He most definitely has to be present in any marriage for it to to be all that it was designed to be. Also, each event was nothing shy of a miracle!!! I'd say to all my African American Sister's and Brother's - Let's agree with the designer and get ready for a "Miracle"!!!! Hallelujah!!!!!

Join us on the call!!! Thursday evening 9:00 PM - 10:00 PM EST
YMC3 conference call dial in number: 1-605-990-0400 access code: 816552#

Thank you for this opportunity to share!!!

Good evening Miss Issac

In my haste to restate my points and reply to Merriam, I got your first name mixed up with the male form, Denis, instead of Denise. I apologize for missing that. I seemed to have caused this initial confusion.

While I don't know if I'll sound like a broken record or not, I hope some of the solutions to our marriage/family crises posted in my very first message will be seriously considered. I assume most on this post are highly spiritual, putting God first (including myself), so the only thing second I feel we should put is the positive aspects of our African cultures for reparing our Black marriages and preventing breakdowns of new ones. As a collective, African/Black folk express spirituality more, believe in God and/or a higher power more, and attend worship services more than our Eur-Asian counter-parts. This is not "reverse racism" or "un-Christian" talk, this is based upon research by those who have litterally dedicated their lives...and given their lives...to study our past and present condition...which includes our collective behavior (Black/African people) since time immemorial.

Unfortuantely, when imperfect, sinful human beings adopt the other sins of their oppressors (aka African/Blacks adopting sins of Eur-Asians) they merely compound their problems, which undoubtedly includes failed marriages, and lack of marriages. The Biblical example of the Hebrews, "a stiffnecked people" are a perfect example of how groups of human beings can compound their already existing problems!

While many Pan-Africanists ideals are not taken seriously by "African-Americans", when facts are examined, we "African Americans" imitate mostly the NEGATIVE spiritual and moral cultural patterns of the very people we complain about! Divorcing at the drop of a hat, or "shakin up" being included in this. As stated in our first post, we strive to be so much "like them" that we out do "them" in their excess.

I had the pleasure of visiting the Gullah people of the U.S. Coastal Isands this past weekend. For those who don't know,these are "African-Americans" who maintained much of their African heritage, and some of the languages during and after slavery. Although they have their problems with drugs, dispair, poverty, etc., as a COLLECTIVE, they have more marriages, less single-parent homes, more LOVE among kindred, better school performance,etc., than the rest of us Black folk. I can name countless other examples, but it would take several pages.

I hope we look at combining the best from our past African cultures with our spirituality. This is the only thing that "African-Americans", as a collective, have not tried.

peace and love

If you are the product of a broken home like many of us are, then you could become what you see. However if you make a commitment to change that cycle when you grow up, the story has a different ending. There is too much dependence on celebraties, movies stars and athletes. Look into your communities for the real heroes, look hard enough, they are there.

Edited by author 02-14-2007 11:11 AM
Samuel,
I appreciate your responding and I am a communicator and that is one reason why our people fail in the marriage or relationship area because people do not communicate. I am so grateful for you to respond back because I thought you were referring to my email. Now you see why the name was so important. I was the last sister before your comment. I know what assume means, so excuse me and let us continue forward in the battle to win over all the obstacles and I love you more for it. COMMUNICATION IS A VALUABLE TOOL-USE IT "ALWAYS". Enjoy your day and year ahead.Out of all our getting, let us get a good understanding and we have. Good bless you Samuel. Also, "FORGIVE" me for assuming/misunderstanding.

Good evening, Apostle Denise Isaac. With all due respect, I too am not one to debate, personal attacks, nor did my post encourage individualism,but how impossible it is to please everybody. Not mentioning Merriam's name was for 2 reasons. One was that you addressed her personally already, the other was that I was addressing the ideology behind her comment since I've seen, heard and felt the same type of comment a lot in the past few weeks. As far as disrespect,I stated that my intention was not to do that from the begining. So I must only assume Merriam understands unless she responds otherwise. I have no intentions of duplicating posts, nor being mean-spirited to anyone, though I write with a sense of urgency. Just stating what I feel we refuse to look at as a people, though I beat the dead horse with 2 posts.

Samuel,
I paused and wondered if I should respond to your email because some people like to debate and argue and this is not what this topic nor site is for. Every sister or brother on this site has a name and when we want to address someone we should at least address them by their name respectibly. What you are saying is what I said and this topic is not individualism but for a corporate solution for our people (Blacks not Marrying). Let us stay focused, in love respectfully, understanding and righteous, while we "ALL" come up with reasonable responses that will help us all with the crisis and this same attack against our people and one another. Let us put all negative energy and responses back where they belong, from among us eternally with agape. Much love and forgiveness for a slight misunderstanding of a writer and her opinion to help in another or rather previous misunderstanding. May God keep and bless us all.

Hotep/Greetings. Not to disrespect the sister who made it, but let us examine what's wrong with this quote.

"With all the brilliant thinkers out there, I would gather, they could create a solid solution or action plan enclusive of all human beings."

We must realize that no solution or action plan is designed to "include" everybody...because truth only includes people willing to accept it...even when it's not something they do not want to hear. For example, Christian site or not, the responses here transcended all relgions and all religions (and even some athiest) were in agreement on the BASICS of what needs to be done. We (Black folk) are drowning as a people, should we reject the truth because we don't like it, or the majority of those voicing it are "Chrisitans"? Should we drown?

Unfortuantely, adopting the Eurocentric version of being a "liberal"...which means being tolerant of any and every socio-political, religious, and economic ideal has ALWAYS been the undoing...and sometimes complete destruction of any society. Even athiests and other non-Chrisitian people understand that to include everybody would be to be self-destructive because everybody can not be pleased and everbody does not want to be "saved"...even when not saving them means they will drown!

We had better get serious about this. There will be many, many casualties of war because some people would rather face destruction...even literally...than do what's most effective for their "salvation"

peace and love

Edited by author 02-10-2007 04:23 PM
Merriam,
This so happens to be a Christian site; so all we will discuss is the foudation of the site itself. Everyone has a right to believe what they want right or wrong but a person can only discuss what works for them and what they seem to have adapted to.The majority of African Americans including Muslims and Jews have taught the teachings of Christ and that is to maintain the wellbeing of all mankind regardless of beliefs or culture.Whatever your faith or believe is, the question is what are you, we or us are going to do about the situation and "STOP" attacking anyone for any reason when not warranted. Keep peace flowing and we will all get there together.

Edited by author 02-09-2007 08:12 PM
I think this is a really lovely website, with interesting articles, and lively discussions. I think when it comes to resolving the crisis within the black American family that many of the solutions presented here are very valuable.

My problem is when it comes to this challenge as is with many of our challenges as African Americans I feel we are extremely intolerant, and exclusive group of people. I'm not Christian, and I wish for once that when I pick up a book about " The Black Family" or any other issue in our community people would stop projecting their christian beliefs onto everybody else, and stop assuming all black people are Christian. What about those of us who are Jewish or Muslim? Some solutions proposed only accomodate people who are Christian, and exclude everybody else. It's double standard to allow for the inclusion of Christanity in fighting off societal ills affecting the family but exclude other traditions as unworthy. That is exactly the message this constantly being sent.

With all the brilliant thinkers out there, I would gather, they could create a solid solution or action plan enclusive of all human beings.

Thank you

Merriam

I must say the reason I feel that Black people are not getting married is the need some feel to compete and measure one another on a monetary scale.
I ran a test recently and posted information on a Black meeting site; weeks 1-3 I received limited respones when no income was in my bio, the next 3 weeks with my salary mentioned I received 45 hits and more than 1/2 were from the same women that passed me ny in weeks 1-3.
We have not grasped the concept of working togetherand confidently relying on our partner to do their part.
I come form a home where my parents are married for 64 years and each sister is going on 25, and I am in my 27th year.
We were taught that marriage is teamwork and no one role or partner is defined by what they do to make it work for the good of the family.

Donald, your post on 61 hits the nail dead on the head. Society is so jacked up that of course marriage wouldnt be exempt from the equation.

RB, you are right. A big part of the solution is mentoring. The older/wiser instructing the younger. Dr. Harold Davis spoke at length about this in my interview with him (Everybody, check out the state of the black family page).

The mentoring he and the other men have done through TALKS Mentoring Program have transformed lives. We can't be everyone's dad or mom, but its been proven (boys and girls club/big brothers big sisters, etc.) that mentoring makes a huge impact.

Perhaps we cannot change some of the older guys and gals who are set in their ways (although GOD can), but we CAN begin to impact the up and coming generation in a more intentional way.

The Word of God actually commands us to. Thanks RB for reminding us.

Anita
Executive Editor
Keeping Family First

Kas your point is well taken but to say that women like me are not going anywhere is a huge assumption that you guys seem to be making and mostly to your own detriment. But hey, if that is the way you have to function then so be it.
And would I date an ugly guy? I do not really see people as ugly but even if i found him unattractive, then yes I would if he treated me nicely. I am all about the person not the bling bling so to speak. I have done it before as a matter of fact. Didnt work out though.

At some point, men need to "break the curse" of our parents and grandparents and decide that we're going to do the hard, yet rewarding, work of leading our families. "Okay, my dad wasn't around, I don't see a lot of good examples in the media, my friends seem to be doing something else, but I'm going to marry one woman, stay married to her, and try to raise my children in a positive environment, with the help of God."

Unfortunately, the young men who need to might be influenced to make such a declaration will not be reading this discussion. I have been successfully married for nearly 12 years, and I'm not nurturing any young men, or mentoring, so I guess I am part of the problem. I've learned how to lead a family, stay faithful, be a positive member of God's Kingdom and our society, but I haven't passed on what I've learned except in an informal way.

I wonder how our black churches could take on the role of mentoring young men, rather than perpetuating the unhealthy family structures to which we've become accustomed?

I think if we as men acted with more strength and commitment, the ship would slowly begin to right itself.

I believe that it now takes longer to get established and many African Americans aren't getting married because of factors that cause them to be in school longer. Such as having to hold down a job while completing school, and due to these forces, unfortunately life does not stop, and love will still find you as you prepare for your future. So shacking up seems to be a more viable option than actually doing it right and getting married.

You are so right Ms. Perry and that is why I have asked the public to "Show Me A Family". There has not been a good role model for families, marriages, and leadership for our culture in a while. The younger generation has taken on the mindset of the hip hoppers and the shake the tails syndrome for excellence. Something is very wrong and even adults have accepted some of this wayward foolishness that have minimized the intelligence of our people and former teachings.

Role Models. Who are our role models. Oprah and Stedman. They aren't even married! Where are the married couples and happy families......

The capital words are not shouts, but for emphasis...because we need to emphasize the solution.

Problem: The Black Family is destroying itself and Being destroyed externally as well, as a result The Black family has less succesful marriages and more divorces.

Solution: Very Simple...but not easy for weak minds...that solution is...

STOP ADOPTING THE NEGATIVE CULTURAL NORMS OF YOUR FORMER ENSLAVERS!

From the Cape to Cairo, from South America to Canada, Black folk generally imitate the negative side of the people who have socio-economically (and militarily) attacked and conquered them. These negative habits are things the dominant society tries to get rid of, while we Black/African folk wear the negative habits like a badge of honor. Combine that with the external socio-economic domination we face, and it's not rocket science as to why we are in our current condition. History and even science prove that an oppressed and/or marginialised people who combine the SINS of the dominant society with their own will ALWAYS MULTIPLY THEIR INTERNAL PROBLEMS. Here are some examples:

Street Gangs--
started by Irish, German, and European Immigrants in the pre-Civil War era. Now...Black folk out do these "imigrants" in their gang violence.

Lack of Sprituality--
even though we all have religious difference, We have African/Blacks in general had more spirtuality than the Euro-American society that is now dominant. However, we "integrated" their collective disregard for a higher power into our already beseiged culture. Now we want to out do them in their total disregard for anything spiritual

Sexual Promiscurity--
Although sex is natural, African/Black people used to excorsise a RELATIVE level of restraint when compared to the Euro-American society that was litterally beaten, raped, and lynched into our ancestors. Now look at us... our so-called entertainment media(not just rap) is much more encouraging of self-destructive sexual activity and lifestyles.

Misrepresented Understanding of Gender--
We adopted the Eur-Asian view of how one gender relates to another,which glorified and exagerated the "battle between the sexes",and the false notion of men having a "feminine side", adopting feminism instead of womens rights etc. When we compare the original African definitions to those imposed on us, then we should be astonished that there are human beings of the opposite sex left on earth...of ANY ethnic group...who truly love each other!

Over Indulgence in Looking Prestigious--
We have our "Black Think Tank", NAACP, Urban Leage, SCLC conferences and banquets spend millions of dollars for excessive conferences...at White-owned hotels, stadiums, and other establishments...to preach to the chior about our family business. This is done for grandstanding and looking "sophisticated" and prestigious, with the majority of the participants not willing to takle our family problems with ideas PROVEN to work!

I could go on an on, but I think we all get the point. We Black/African people adopt everyting negative from non-Blacks and almost NOTHING positve! While some people laugh at the African-centered solution...that can still put our relationship with God first WITHOUT contradicting GOD or our people... keep in mind that most of what we adopted from non-Black people have been severely harmful to our mind,body and soul! A strong people uses their own ORIGINAL cultures they were divinely designed for to solve their problems...a weak people...unfortunately us as group...try to use someone else's culture to solve problems. In our case, we Black folk are trying to Black-ize everything negative about this society...and have the NERVE to wander why we are suffering!

For those that are serious, relathionship worksops are done programming by LIB Radio (www.libradio.com)and other people who are serious about helping the Black family. I would also suggest reading Dr. Kobi Kambons book African/Black Psychology in the American Context. Extensive Chapters deal with the Black family.

peace and love

Edited by author 02-08-2007 06:37 PM
I am 28 years old, working on my second Master's Degree and climbing the corporate ladder. I have had a couple of great relationships that I think could have ended in successful marriages; however, a lot of men and women, like myself are placing more focus on education and careers and leaving marriage as a future endeavor. I think in order for a marriage to work (outside looking in), self fulfillment must be met.

It amazes me that anyone could entertain a question like this. Weddings occur annually and nobody asks at the wedding. How long do you think the wedding will last while participants are sucking down champagne? Marriage is about teamwork and committment. However, how can weak people stay married when they live in a sex crazed nation. Viagra and Cialis are drugs promoted on a daily basis. The American people are accostumed to the word "affair" when adultry occurs in a marriage. The young people witness all these things and mixed messages are swirling within their craniums (heads).

If we as nation and Black Nation want to improve the quality of our marriage and encourage people to marry we must submit to the three E's educate, enlighten, and encourage. IT WORKS.

As a woman, who has been reasonably happily married to the same man for nearly 42 years, I can say that I am guilty of encouraging my 16 year old granddaughter to think of procreation as the only reason to get married, since I do not believe in having children without the benefit of marriage. I think the reason I discourage marriage is that I had to really fight to be my own person in my marriage for so many years. Although my husband really changed for the better over the years, he was never physically abusive but on an emotional level he was not supportive of me as his wife, I still remember the loneliness I felt during those early years. So, I feel that if you are going to feel alone in a marriage you might as well really be alone and forget about marriage altogether. Also, I don't want my granddaughter to marry a man who only wants to boss her around.

Hello,
I live here is Oklahoma City , Oklahoma. I am a single mother of 3 beautiful children ( 14, 17, 20)and a black business owner. I can apprecite all the discussion about the topic of family and marriage. I believe what we really need to be talking about is what are we doing ,as individuals, to correct these and other issues we face in our communities.
The idea behind presenting an issue is coming up with a solution and sharing with other how you are changing things in your community. Talking about it is great but the real healing begins when we take action and responsibility for the state of our people.
I personally decided (when I had my first son when I was 17) that I would start talking to other teens when the opportunity presented itself. I have spoke to young ladies that are virgins, girls having sex and little girls about to be mothers. They are so grateful to hear "I have been where you are and I am not judging you!" I know talking to these girls will not stop teen pregnancy today but image the impact I am having on a little girls life who doesnt have anyone else to talk to about sex or options.
I believe that we must "teach" our children to be good decision makers so they understand the consequences and commitment behind making a decision.
I think we all need to stop talking and start acting. Our children need us and if you are listening and not talking you can hear their cry.........valettawright@wrightinvestmentfunding.com

I don’t know how it is in the States but here in the UK, children are raising children. The black babies are raising more babes then other community which is really sad. I think for us in the UK the problem first started in the early 60s when my generation became the first generation to be born in the UK, we lost all our parents values and standard from the West Indies and took on the white man's don’t care attitude. But we forgot we were growing up in a white man's country and it didn’t matter to a white man if he didn’t get a good education because he would still get a good job. It didn’t matter if the white women got pregnant at a young age her mother would take her to abortion clinic or she would get married.

I really don’t believe that women don’t want to get married any more, when you hear a woman say that its either she has been married already or she is tried of people asking her when she is going to get married, so it looks better if she said she doesn’t want to get married.

The problem again in the UK the black man does not want to get married. I am 46 years and I have a group of 6 black lady friends who I hang out with, we are all the same age but no marriage between us, that is not unusual for the UK. Fortunately I had my daughter at a young age so I had my child, I was waiting until I got married to have another child but that never happened and my time clock has ran out. But if most women think like that we would not be having children without fathers, I am tired of the excuse it was an accident why the women got pregnant, but what if he gave you AIDS, then what.

To change the problem we have today is to change our attitude and teach the young ones. I have grown now but I have started teaching my grandchildren about love, about God and about fearing the rod.

We have serious crisis in the UK. In most class rooms in the UK 80% of the children do not have two parents at home. 40% don't even know there fathers.

I think that the reason that couples(be they black or white)aren't getting married now is because individuals have forgotten or don't know that they will be held accountable for their actions. We have almost forgotten that there is a God. And because Society has played it to the point that we are on our own,we think that we are the sole entity as it relates to our actions. As has been said in the past,"it would be better to live your life as if there is a God and when you die find out that there is. That way, you won't have lost anything, than it is to live as if there is no God and when you die find out there is and lose everything.

I think it depends on the part of the world one is looking at because blacks in developing countries believe in the family unit and do get married but those in western societies are not interested in marriage because of the culture in these places where marriage is frowned upon rather than celebrated as God so designed. So its not surprising that there are a lot of single households run by single moms; no one knows were the fathers are and of cause the media is not helping matters and you find out that a lot of young black men are struggling with their identity because of this and normally end up in crime and ultimately in prisons. The situation can only change when society embraces God first. See Pro 14 v 34 (Righteousness exalts a nation but sin is a reproach to any nation)..All our man-made methods havent worked and its high time we went back to the drawing board to save black people, their marriages and the children who are our future.

Hello, this will not be popular what I am about to say.

Men aren't being raised to be men and women are not being raised to be women anymore.

The world we live in today is designed for everyone to get there own stuff. From day one little girls are told you don't need a man (which is true) but they take it as why get married, I can take care of myself.

Guys are not being taught how to lead because they don't have role models to look up to today. Guys are told watch out for those "hoes", bitchs, and other name bad names. So they view women as objects not people. So why would you want to committ long term to someone who is not a person but an object?

Until we begin to value each other and remember that we do need each other for support, love, and friendship, this trend will only get worse.

My feeling is that everyone has gotten men and women self centered. After a certain age and if we have acquire many things of value, we are not willing to share them with anyone. Another reason is we have fotten the philosphy "two heads are better than one". If we look at marriage as a business, we can all see the significant value in this type of unity. But I believe our race feels we have a arrived and we don't need anyone to share our success with or no other person is deserving.!!!

Edited by author 02-08-2007 06:43 AM
I totally agree with Dr. Larry Harris who has put it all in a nutshell, which can become a bombshell for people today, because people fail to accept the "TRUTH". Our families are lacking in the positive approach that we once recognized and respected (a relationship) with a Faithful God, for that is all we had at one time or another yet to remain faithful unto HIM AND EACH OTHER.

With same sex marriages, wars, diseases,perversion,hip hop fables,lack of self worth, an increase in violence and divorce rate, no respect for one another, no positive examples or role models have caused our generations to lose their identity as well as a sense of belonging to even attempt a bond with someone when they do not even know themselves. There has to be a more profound, persistent, positive and steadfast approach to salvage our generation, and our families before we will see a desire for one to embark upon a relationship that we identify as marriage.

Our culture has become disillusioned for there was not a word spoken with confidence to them that have maintained its position for them-NO MORE INTEGRITY OR TRUSTWORTHINESS AMONG US. PLEASE! SHOW ME 1. We continued to be hopeful, and remained proud for the culture but the saga is yet as real as the days of old to them-"BLEAK".

My prayers and faith continues for my people and everyone who has not found their way and purpose for living/exisitng, and the joy that one may have from uniting and bonding with the soul that connects in peace and harmony with them. It is possible, you just have to release the fears and the drama that have you believing otherwise.

The health and prosperity of our society is directly related to the well-being of our families. Our families are the foundation of our great nation and of our world. Today, more than ever the traditional family is in trouble. Marriage between one man and one woman is under assault. Old fashion moral values are being attacked rather than passed on to our children. What can we do to recreate this tradition of strong and functional families?

1. Marriage partners must fully commit themselves to each other and achieve love and respect through the guidance of God. It has been said that marriage with mutual love, respect, honor, intimacy, and lifelong commitment as its fabric, mirrors the love, sanctity, closeness and permanence of the bond between God and His church.

2. Proverbs 29:15 says “the rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.”(NIV) As parents we must be willing to accept this challenge. However, often we delegate or leave the task of training and raising our children to society. We expect the schools to teach our children about sex and morals. We allow television and movies to teach our boys and girls about love and relationships—one night stands. We expect the church to tell our precious ones about faith and trust in a higher being. Nothing could be further from the truth. As parents it is our job. We must accept the challenge of rearing our kids. We must get back to teaching the old fashion basics—the 3 R’s; Respect, Responsibility and Religion. This training must start early and it all starts at home.

3. Celebrate together as family. Children need encouragement like a plant needs water. Recognized or celebrate together graduations, birthdays or good grades. Thank your spouse for preparing that special dinner. Don’t forget to hug and show other signs of acceptance, affection or appreciation.

4. Compliment character more than talent. All too often in our world today the emphasis is on sports, popularity, physical appearance, ability and money. Everyone encourages, praises and supports the best three point shooter. A star quarterback is treated like a king. Television convinces our daughters that in order to be successful you have to look like a tall and thin model. On the other hand don’t forget to give high fives to the basketball star who exhibits good sportsmanship even when he doesn’t score. Give credit to the football star who respects the coach’s decision to allow others to play. Praise the young lady who befriends an overweight classmate. Over time, talent made fade or be lost, but the principles of honesty, caring, sharing, respect responsibility and love—character will last a life time. Invest in teaching and being a living example good character.

I believe that life is about ups and downs, successes and failures. How well we survive depends on how well we get up when we fall down. The love of God and the love of family are the hydraulic jacks that we need to lift us up. Let us all go to battle to recapture and secure our families so that the tradition will live on.

This topic is probably the biggest issue facing our community today. The family used to be the foundation of our community. Before the 70's, we were a tight knit race, like an extended family. In fact, before the 70's over 80% of our community lived in married family. After the 60's, as a community we started down a path of separation and divorce that leaves us at an astounding 38% today. It was in the 70's that we began to see a spike in drug usage and gang activity. All this began to happen as less and less people in our community got married.

In my opinion, for many people family is no longer about family but about self. People get married now because of what they can get out of the marriage. Before the 70's, it seemed as if married was more about the other person. Maybe that's because before then family was all we had.

It seems that when we reached our apex as a community during the Civil Rights Movement many things went down hill from there. People became more independent instead of being intradependent upon each other. We forgot that it was family that got us through then and that it will be family to get us through now.

Another thing that many people misconstrue is that there is a difference between love and happiness. Today, men and women get in relationships based upon the fact that you make me feel good and as long as you continue to do so we can stay together. They like the good times, for richer and in health but flee at the bad times, for poorer and in sickness.

True love is defined when you want to do something for someone without the expectation of a return. True love is sticking it out during the bad, in poverty and in sickness. Most men AND women don't understand this today and this is the reason why most African America community.

T Wilson
www.terrencewilson.com
//author - In Search of a Father
//radio host - "Changing a Generation" VoiceAmerica.com

Hey everyone, this is really good dialogue. If you don't mind, like Antionette and Kas did, let us know what state or country you're from. It's kinda cool to know.

Thanks for keeping the dialogue going!

Anita Lane
Executive Editor
Keeping Family First Online Magazine

The Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright of Chicago said this at a revival in Detroit a few months back and it made me go, "hmmmmm." He said, "Dating is a game with rules. If you don't know the rules, get out of the game."
It seems that compatibility, similiar goals, upbringing & morals, and mutual attraction are no longer important criteria in taking the relationship to the next level. Sex is all there is and I just don't get it. I feel that the African-American woman is the key to improving the state of the black family. A lot of sisters don't understand their worth and makes it hard on women who do understand their worth. I haven't heard much from Sista' Soldier of New York lately, but I better understand her persistent cry of forming a sisterhood - Sisters helping sisters for the betterment of the black family. You see if sex is all there is....whose going to raise our African American babies when most mothers are infected with AIDS from this new dating rule, SEX FIRST AND I SEE YOU LATER. Or even better, brothers perpetrating a heteosexual man when in secret, he is a undercover bisexual - Down Low (DL) Brother. I'm curious to know why are a lot of professional African-American men, turning to other professional African-American men. Again, I just don't get it. So go figure!
May peace be with you....my brothers & sisters.

Hey Dona,
To put it bluntly when a man sees a women do you think he sees (intelligence, god-fearing heart, pleasant personality, good looks, good and stable family background and positive future)NO, because even though thats what a man may say he wants in a woman, when he meets her she must be looking hoochfied, glitter-wearing etc etc, because thats what stands out, that's what turns him on. However, what I have found (living in the UK) men would date these women, but marry women like yourself because they know you wont be going anywhere because of how you look on the outside. They also know how long it took you to find them, and as they say you should be grateful. Its a sad fact but true. Saying all this if an ugly guy with a great personality, good job but you didnt know this asked you out would you accept?

Personally I agree with the poster "Ruth" on entry 51. Those are my main concerns with getting married.
And on top of that, people are so busy looking on the outer than the inner person. I, personally am overweight at the moment but I am very well-kept and attractive yet I dont see nearly as many men approaching me (with my intelligence, good ,god-fearing heart, pleasant personality,good looks, good and stable family background and positive future) as I do the skinny hoochfied glitter-wearing, fast talking bimbos.
I have alot of substance and , and would make a great loving, and supportive mate for someone . Even plenty of married men that I know of have told me this so the weight issue is one thing that people need to get over. Ive been thin before so I know the difference between the attention you get when you are certain sizes.

These are the "Last Days" that we are living in. Men (mankind) have become lovers of themselves. Fortunately, the Lord still has obedient children who believe in preserving the family and upholding His standards. It is up to us to lead by example, plant the seed and embrace those that we see falling by the wayside. Not that I'm claiming to be perfect, I'm just trying to help someone as I journey to gain a "Closer Walk" with Jesus. If we reclaim the village concept we once had and get back to family worship, family dinner (at the dinner table together)things we can just start at home - then we can venture out to help someone else and make a difference one family at a time - no matter what your family structure looks like.

I've just completed a post graduate class on Violence in the Family. I wonder how many women (and men) have witnessed intimate partner violence and assault to the extent that they've concluded that one is better off alone.
Having an abusive mate, or a mentally ill mate (disease caused by life pressures)makes one leary. People show their "true colors" once you are committed. There are also compatability issues. Even mates found in a
church milieu usually are decieving. They hide everything - including bad credit, promiscuity, table manners and violent mates!
No wonder many sisters are resorting to sperm banks. This eleminates the hastle

I have been happily married for 40 years (to the same woman), and I am worried that the current trend cannot be reversed. Pam has mentioned that this is not just a Black problem, however, 70% of Black women are choosing to stay single, according to a recent report. It seems that the driving factor in this trend is the "decision" by women not to marry, or remarry.

Black men are more negatively affected by every measure that our society tracks -- employment, income, education, homeownership, life expectancy, career advancement. Black men make up more than 50% of the prison population. These factors may contribute more significantly to the decisions of Black women, but it spells disaster for the Black family, as we have known it. Our churches, schools and neighborhoods are dominated by single parent families headed by women.

Unfortunately, there are no bright indicators on the horizon to summon us back to a "traditional family model." What is clear though, is that the Biblical model worked better to keep families, and communities together, and to provide values to establish good relationships with our neighbors. Those of us holding onto the traditional model must not grow weary in living as Godly examples for others.

Preach on Sister Anita and Minister Mary Edwards! Amen and Amen!!! The Bible tells us in Hebrews that marriage is honorable (not fornication is honorable). Proverbs says that when a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing, and obtains favor of the Lord. So what this means to me that God has blessings in store that perhaps only married people will experience. I'm calmly waiting on my godly prince charming--in the meantime, I am developing myself. Solomon said in Proverbs that every wise woman builds her house. And when God gets done making and molding me, I will be that Proverbs 31 woman who is strong, intelligent, a prudent investor, diligent, confident, humble and dignified and my future husband's heart will safely trust in me because I will do him good.

I'm so happy to see this being the number one issue of grave importance in the Black community.

I'm an activist and author among many other things and I've identified many of the set ups in society that have force fed Blacks an image that the nuclear family structure is NOT important. With that lacking, our statistics of success have significantly declined.

Black Women Need Love, Too is my book that explains this phenomenon and offers solutions to solve this race destroying trend.

BlackWomenNeedLoveToo.com - Please check it out!

Blacks aren't getting married because they are too consumed with living a fairy tale life that they see in the media, on Television and in the movies. When was the last time there was a positive black movie about a successful married couple. Instead we see the negative. How many pastors are talking about getting married? How many Black men and women see strong marriages in their family? There is not a lack of qualified black men or women just a lack of morals.

Edited by author 02-06-2007 01:04 PM
"Marriage? Why bother?" Well, most successful black men such as myself that went to college and graduated with a 4yr. degree, probably are to busy to settle down and start a family. Another reason may be that black people are not getting married is because black women want a man that is just as, or more successful than them. It's not because there are not good black men out here. Not because some are in jail, or gay, or still growing up. Just as Darlene Thorne says that there is a lack of good black men, I feel the same, that there is a lack of good black woman. I feel that quite a number of black women would rather collect child support, than to get married and let a man raise his child. Some black women are not willing to put up with things that say for instance a white woman will. There are all kinds of reasons that black people are not getting married, but the main reason is financial.