Dear Agnes,

Am awfie gled tae hear yer chist has gotten that much better. Am jist waitin fur mine tae disappear, oan accoonts o' this here diet am oan the noo. It's a richt guid yin, mind you... a hiv drapped a stane in a fortnight, so a hiv! Ma troosers ur still girdit roon ma behouchie, mind ye, so am thinkin they must jist be wee made 16s.

Aye, we did gang doon tae the 'festival' but a tell ye... a ne'er seen nae festivities. Plenty o' motors an' folks draggin weans aboot and plenty o' they funny lookin wummin whit luik lik blokes; ye ken the types... short hair, sensible shoes an dungarees... but the rest wis aw mince fae where a wis staunin. A fiver here, a fiver there, a tenner here, three quid there an aw jist tae listen tae folks yakkin aboot thursels an thur books... then they still expected ye tae buy a bloody copy... like they couldnae hae gied us aw wan each fur payin tae listen tae thum yakkin in the furst place! Oor Erchie an masel went tae the poetry competition launch an aw... it wis fur free or else we wuidnae hae bothert. An ye ken whit? It isnae free tae enter that neither. This year's ferstival wisnae a patch oan last years but then we wurnae oan stall duty this year, wur we?

So tell me, hen, did ye hae a guid time at thon play ye wur seein in Stirlin?

An whit's this aboot a fur sale sign? Wan o' yer neebours hid actually bought thur cooncil hoose in that scheme o' yours? Thur aff thur heids if ye ask me. Oniway, keep yer een peelt an let me ken if it's onibody worthwhile movin intae yer block.

Gaggin fur gossip,

Senga

Furgoat tae pit the website details in again... here it is
http://www.agnesnsenga.co.uk

The ed says we need tae dae that tae show nebbie folks the way back oot ae these boards an we cannae furget the http:// pairt neither

Edited by author 10-08-2005 08:38 AM
Haw Senga

Hope yer grand and no diein o' malnutrition wae aw this dietin! Yu'll hae tae tell me whit diet yer oan, ah kid be daen the wan yer oan tae, since ma belly's hingin oer ma waist band. By tea time, um needin tae undo ma button and unzip ma jeans; Bob keeps oan aboot me bein near pornographic and um aye furgettin tae dae masel up when a go tae answer the front door. The wee laddie fae next door near past oot, seein ma belly near touchin the grund the other night! Aye, tell me whit wan yer oan hen.
Bob and ma neighbour Bessy went tae see thon Oor wallace. Whit a hoot! Ah tell ye hen, yu'll hae tae see it! It wiz funny and sad, traumatic and amazin. The actors were brilliant. Och, ah like findin oot aboot oor Scottish culture (no that ah hae oany culture mind) but since it's 700 hunner years since the Big Man, William Wallace wiz killed, we aw decided tae go.
That wummin, Gill Bastock did ah braw speech at the end and ah tell ye, ah wiz bubblin aboot hoo much it had meant tae her. The wummin sittin aside me hud tae borrow wan o' ma hankies. No that ah wanted it back like!
She had gone doon tae London and ah kid you not, she jist got an invite; louped on tae a bus oan her ain, goat a wee B&B and joined intae the whole event, not kennin oanywan! Then, she walked the 6 miles Wallace had been dragged through London. Whit a wummin, she wiz brave, ah couldnae hae done that Senga, all on ma tod? Could you Senga? Ah tell ye, William Wallace meant that much tae her. So in a nut shell, the whole thing wiz brilliant! Oh and by the way, she wiz oan the radio and the telly too. Didnae hear is or see it mind but, but somewan telt me like. U'll hae tae send ye ma programme so as ye kin see the actors. The wan who played the part of Alec; bloody hell Senga, he was drop dead gorgeous!
so back tae ma oan wee hoose and the ironin tae dae. In fact, if ah kin stretch up ah kin just see, aye, thurs folk havin a neb at the hoose that's up fur sale. Ah saw it in the paper yersterday and it says -o/o£ and that's it. Bloody hell hen, oor hoose must be worth nuthin! Bob near took a haert attack when he saw it! Ah kid buy it masel at that price. Wit dae ye think hen, a twa hoose family. Aye, that wid get the nebby neigbours bletherin! Oh, here's another wan.....aye jist a wummin in a vw polo. Ach, that's nae guid; ah want the good lookin laddies.
Right better er herm, clean the windaes, they are gie mocket.
Take care hen and tell me whits happenin oer your side o' toon.
Agnes.

Hi Senga

See yu've been awa yer holidays hen; ah think um needin wan n'aw but maybe wan day. Ah keep lookin in the paper fur wan o' they long weekends but Bob's no happy goan wan o' they planes. Ah keep addin up the cally dosh n' aw but um no that guid at keepin ma figures. Um no guid at keeping ma figure neither but that's by the by. Hoo's the diet goin?
Right, loads tae be gettin oan wae.
See ye in the near future um sure,

Agnes x

Edited by author 11-11-2005 06:09 AM
Senga, um fair worried aboot ye hen. Dinnae tell me ye caught a wee bug while ye wur awa yer holidays! Jist, ah huvnae heard fae ye fur a wee while. Ur ye aw richt? Geez a wee bell or an email so's um no frettin sae much.
Take care hen,
Agnes :-S

P.S. Even Bob wiz askin after ye, noo there's a turn up fur the books. He's normally goat his face burried in the newspaper!

Dear agnes,

Am dain jist fine but huv hud nae time fur onithin recently, whit wae oor Shug movin back hame an tryin tae organise ma new windaes afore the winter really sets in - it's blawin a gail the noo - near rattlin the auld windaes richt oot thur frames, so it is!
A wiz worried aboot the phone bills an aw, so am oan incomin only an hivin tae dae this wee note tae ye fae the library - but a kin still answer ma phone if ye ever cared tae gie me a call.
Am dain a few hoors at NYK, jist typin an the like, as the new edition is due oot in a fortnight.
A will catch up soon, amidst the mad last minute Christmas shoppin rush, nae doot!
Say hello tae Bob,
love Senga

Dearest Senga

Here noo, braw new windaes an'aw? Well, ye've fairly gone up in the world eh hen. Mind,soonds like ye've hud tae gie up the phone-calls tae pay fur them but. Robbin Peter tae pay Paul....things never change they never dae. U'll mind and call ye the night when um finished this.
Ah wiz awa tae the shops wae oor Fiona the day and ye ken me, got masel a braw new pair o' breeks in the closin doon sale. But Senga, had tae buy the next size up! Bloody hell, things are gettin serious that ah need tae get the bigger size in tracky bums!
Here, are you still on thon diet? Mind, ye telt me the other week. Wiz it oany guid? Ah tell ye, um even thinkin o' havin thon staples in ma gutt, whit dae ye think? U'll hae tae(er herm) git back tae the auld joab tae pay fur it mind. Jist dinnae tell Bob!! Ach, he willnae notice oanyway. It's ma health um worried aboot noo hen. Ah dinae want tae be kickin the bucket before um 50!!
Och, tell ye whit , U'll gie ye a wee phone the noo and hae a wee blether,
See ye in a wee minitey!
Agnes.

Edited by author 11-22-2005 11:34 AM
Here Hen

U've just sent a wee poem tae that poetry section on tae the scottish writers bit, www.nowyouknow.co.uk Ye ken; the wans ye dae a bit o' typin fur. Did ye ken Gill was erm herm, writin tae thon Derum? Ah jist came o'er it perchancity and well hen, see when Gill gits in fae her wurk the night a wull kill her!
U've telt her and ah huv telt her until um blue in the face tae keep away fae aw them weird poets but will she be telt? In deed she wulnae! Ah thought ye wid hae telt me hen ah mean, we are pals n that!
Och, u've tae make the tea. Jist you explain yersel or a will be o'er tae sort you oot too!!

AGNES :-| (no impressed by the way!!)

Ma dearest Agnes,

A did tae tell ye aboot thon Gill... mind a telt ye when a phont ye tae tell ye ma phone wiz back oan again? Maybe a furgoat? But am shair a telt ye aw aboot hur an hur philandrin capers oan they messageboards wae yon Derum... a definitely telt the ed! A wis a bit worried aboot it, masel, like, fur a ken whit baith Gill an thon Derum bloke is like. But am shair they baith ken whit thur dain an efteraw, thur aboot twa thoosand miles apairt so whit herm kin come o' it aw? Am thinkin' it's jist a wee bit o' a laugh, masel an a wis thinkin that maybee we could dae w wee bitty poetics oorsels. Fancy it? A'll dae a crappy rhyme jist tae git us stertit if ye like?

VOTE FUR AGNES 'N' SENGA - TWA SCOTTISH BURDS!

http://www.agnesnsenga.co.uk

A thousand appologies Senga,

yer richt as usual. Ye ken me, in wan ear and oot the other. Hoo kid ah no click thon Gill and Derum wur at it; well, sendin poems ah mean. U've bin tryin tae git Gill oan her mobile but she's switched it aff or reception is bloody bad as usual.
Aye, maybe yer right, just a wee giggle but ah wiz bleezin so ah wiz hen when ah seen thon poems.
Talkin aboot poems hen, whit dae yae mean aboot us daen a bit o' poetics? Is that oanythin tae dae wae poems like? Och ye'll o' seen ma effort LOL Pit it this way, it rhymes wae bright and it's no often um right. Aye, ah might need a wee help tae get me goin.
By the way pet, huv you been daen oany votin? Ye ken me, donnert as usual and kept pittin in a vote fur near everyone, jist tae see if the button wiz wurkin like. Ye'll be please tae ken Senga, the Ed's button is wurkin fine.
Well, u'll be lookin forward tae yer wee poem. It wull be like pushin an elephant up the staers but u'll dae ma best,
take care Senga,
Agnes :-) x

Sob, sob, sob.....how kid ye Senga, a thocht we wur pals :-(

Agnes, hen, whit's irkin ye noo? Is it aw that stuff aboot your Boab? A wuidnae worry aboot it, hen, fur oor Erchie's nain too chuffed tae see it scrawlt aw ower they messageboards aboot me ower Derum's knee - a mean, it's aw in the best fun, hen, so dinnae fash yersel.

Cheer up, hen, an a'll be roon fur a wee cup ae tea later,
See ye hen,
Senga.

Damn! A furgoat the website details again!!! Sorry Ed. :)

http://www.nowyouknow.co.uk

VOTE FOR AGNES & SENGA!!!!

AGNES! AGNES! AGNES!

Yer ne'er gonnae believe this.... I'VE JIST WON THE LOTTERY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kin ye believe it? Noo dinnae git too excitit fur it wisnae the big wan, it was the next wan doon, but it disnae maiter, hen, fur £245,419 wull dae me jist fine!!! There! Whit dae ye think o' that wee bit news?
Noo, git yer glad rags oot fur wur goin tae Blackpool fur a wee hurl aroon thon Tower ballroom. Tell Bob tae git red up and sling a suit in a suitcase. Oor Erchie's jist awa doon the laundrette way his tae git it freshed up a bit - eez no hid it oan since thon waddin back in '89!
Talk tae ye soon, hen, am awa tae dae ma nails an tint ma heid.

A DID IT AGAIN!!!!! website - http://www.nowyouknow.co.uk :)

Hawwwwwwwwww Senga

You've won the lottery??!! Hell, wummin why did ye no phone me? U'll need tae get intae toon tae git somethin posh fur oor wee jaunt. When ur ye plannin oan goin? It's no this weekend is it? U'll no be able tae make it hen but next week wid be grand.
U've bought some new bits so that'ull be guid but no wae a sparkly frock! Git back tae me, phone me fur Godsake so as a kin get masel sortit oot! U'll be able tae squeeze intae yon body stockin a bought fur fat folk, it takes pounds aff ye; ah bought it aff the telly. Jist dinnae tell Boab, it cost an arm and a leg!
Here, ull text ye afore ah go gaddin aroon the shops.
Yer a lucky bessom so ye are!!!!!!!
Well dun,
Agnes :-)