| Paul Curtis
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121
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10-10-2009 05:00 PM ET (US)
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PUT DOWN # 1
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Just gaze into their eyes
And say to your pursuer
“Why don’t you slip into something
More comfortable… like a coma”
PUT DOWN # 2
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Just say to him seductively
With your hand upon your hip
“Wipe your mouth honey,
You have bullshit around your lips”
PUT DOWN # 3
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“Haven't I seen you some place before”?
Just say clearly to him
“Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore”
PUT DOWN # 4
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you “I'm a photographer
I've been looking for a face like yours.”
Just reply “I'm a plastic surgeon
I've been looking for a face like yours.”
PUT DOWN # 5
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “Didn't we go on a date once?
Or was it twice?”
Just reply “Must've been once.
I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice”
PUT DOWN # 6
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “I believe in equality
So you can ask ME out”
Just reply to him sweetly
“Well if you insist, Get out”.
PUT DOWN # 7
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you
“Can I buy you a drink, honey?”
Just reply to him
“I'd rather have the money”.
PUT DOWN # 8
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Where have you been all my life?”
Is the kind of line you might get
So just reply to him
“I wasn’t born for most of it”
PUT DOWN # 9
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Where have you been all my life?”
Is the kind of line he may use
So just reply to him
“I’ve been hiding from you”
PUT DOWN # 10
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“How did you get to be so beautiful?”
He may well declare
So just reply to him
“I must've been given your share”
PUT DOWN # 11
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Will you go out with me this Saturday”?
Is an invitation he may extend
So just reply to him
“Sorry. I have a headache this weekend”
PUT DOWN # 12
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Your face must turn a few heads”
May be one of his attacks
So just reply to him
“Yours must turn a few stomachs”
PUT DOWN # 13
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“The look of you could stop a mans heart”
May be his opening gambit
So just reply to him
“The look of you could stop traffic”
PUT DOWN # 14
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you
“I’ve been looking for you all my life”
Just reply to him
“I hope you told your wife”
PUT DOWN # 15
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you
“You’re more than a woman to me”
Just reply to him
“More than you know, my name’s Henry”
PUT DOWN # 16
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“I think I could make you very happy”
Is a line he might be weaving
So just reply to him
“Why? Are you leaving”?
PUT DOWN # 17
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“What would you say if I asked you to marry me”?
Just say clearly to him
“Nothing, I can't talk and laugh simultaneously”
PUT DOWN # 18
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“Can I have your name Hon”?
Just say clearly to him
“Why? Don't you already have one”?
PUT DOWN # 19
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“Shall we go and see a movie”?
Just reply to him
“I've seen it already”
PUT DOWN # 20
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“Is this seat empty Hon”?
Just reply to him
“Yes, and if you sit down so will this one”
PUT DOWN # 21
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“I bet you are a lawyer or a doctor?”
Just reply to him
“No I'm a female impersonator”
PUT DOWN # 22
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Hey baby, what's your sign”?
Is a question he may tender
So just reply to him
“My sign is “do not enter””
PUT DOWN # 23
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Wow your body is like a temple”
He might well say
Just reply to him
“Sorry, there are no services today”
PUT DOWN # 24
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“I'd die happy, If I could see you naked”
He might well begin
So just reply to him
“If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing”
PUT DOWN # 25
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“How would you like your eggs in the morning”?
He might say to you
So just reply to him
“Unfertilized will do”
PUT DOWN # 26
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you
“What’s going on in that pretty little head honey?”
Just reply to him
“I'm trying to imagine you with a personality”
PUT DOWN # 27
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he should say to you
“I could do things to you that you wouldn’t believe”
Simply reply to him
“Really? If I throw a stick, will you leave?'
PUT DOWN # 28
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he uses the line
“Have you heard we’ve been brought together by cupid”
So just reply to him
"I like you, you remind me of when I was young and stupid."
PUT DOWN # 29
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
"Let's go back to my place!"
Would be a line well known
So just reply to him
"I don't think we'll both fit under that stone!"
PUT DOWN # 30
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he sidles up to you with his pick up line
Before he has chance to deliver it
Just say to him
"Nice cologne, but did you have to marinate in it?"
PICKUP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Like “I'm ready for some FUN,
I hope you are too
I already have the F and the N,
Now all I need is U”
PICKUP # 2
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Winning the Lotto jackpot”
You might start
“Is quite meaningless if you’re single
And have a weak heart!'
PICKUP # 3
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Let me introduce myself”
You can say to her
“You don’t look like the kind of girl
Who’ll sleep with a stranger”
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| Paul Curtis
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120
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09-29-2009 07:23 AM ET (US)
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21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 38
Ring-a-Ring o'Rosies
A Pocket full of Posies
"Pig flu! Pig flu!"
We all take a sickie!
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 39
For want of a nail the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe the horse was lost.
For want of a horse the rider was lost.
For want of a rider the battle was lost.
For want of a horseshoe nail oh what tosh.
Ill equipped and poorly lead is why they lost
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 40
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack jumped over the candlestick
But Jack should have jumped higher
Because he’s set his balls on fire
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 41
Twinkle, twinkle little star
Are the services very far?
Oh I really hope they are
Or I will Tinkle, Tinkle in the car
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 42
Mary was a little flirt
Men followed her like sheep
But though she liked the attention
She fancied little bo peep
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 43
Yan, tan, tethera, pethera, pimp.
They’ll not miss the one with a limp
Sethera, methera, hovera, covera, dik,
Lets just kill it nice and quick
We’ve counted all the masters sheep
Let’s have lamb stew before we sleep
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 44
Hickory, dickory, dock
Some mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one,
When the pendulum swung
Hickory, dickory, dock
Hickory, dickory, dock
The mice looked on in shock
Seeing the stricken one
Fall all the way to the ground
Hickory, dickory, dock
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 45
Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he;
He called for his pint in the middle of the day
And he called for his cronies three.
Every crony had a fresh bottle,
And a very fine bottle had he;
Oh there's none so pissed as can compare
With King Cole and his cronies three.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 46
Red sky at night,
Arsonist’s delight;
Red sky at morning,
Four minute warning.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 47
Baa, baa black sheep, have you any wool?
No sir, No sir, we don’t have any wool!
Are you a nutter? Are you insane?
This is the butchers the wool shop‘s down the lane.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 48
Hot cross buns! Hot cross buns!
One a penny two a penny - Hot cross buns
Isn’t that buy one get one free? Or are they two for ones?
Not one a penny two a penny - Hot cross buns
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 49
The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat,
Though they were jolly, their expedition was folly
And the coast guard sent a life boat
So when the Owl and the Pussycat went to sea
Safely ashore we were able to see
Because the couples distress, the whole sorry mess
Was filmed by the BBC
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 50
Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John,
Went to bed with his trousers on;
One shoe off, and one shoe on,
He was completely shit faced my son John!
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 51
The worms crawl in the worms crawl out,
They crawled in thin and crawl out stout
And when they’re so fat they cannot crawl
The birds come down and eat them all
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 52
I'm bringing home my baby bumble bee
Won’t my Mommy be so proud of me
But my baby bumble bee went and stung me
So I stomped on that bastard bumble bee
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 53
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
The people behind could see nothing at all
They asked him to move but he wouldn’t do that
So they pushed him off and he went splat
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 54
Little Jack Horner sat in a corner
Eating his Christmas pie
He stuck in his thumb
After scratching his bum
Then offered to share his pie.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 55
One, two, three, four, five.
Once I caught a fish alive,
Now you don’t see that every day
Not on the Thames anyway
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 56
Little Tommy Tucker sings for his supper,
What shall we do for him? He’s a bit of a nutter
And he can’t sing a note every one knows
So we’ll audition him on one of Simons shows
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 57
The Grand old Duke of York he had ten thousand men
He marched them up to the top of the hill
And he marched them down again.
This upset the lads, who thought the Duke mad
So in order to stop him, they had to top him
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 58
Horsey, horsey don't you stop
Just let your feet go clippetty clop
Make the whip swish close up the ground
Win the race or your dog food bound
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 59
Hark, hark my dogs do bark
All day walking round the town
My plates of meat, my aching feet
I just want a nice sit down
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 60
Hark, hark the dogs do bark
The chavs are coming to town
Some with piercings and some with tats
And one in a designer gown
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 61
Here's the church, and here's the steeple
Open the door and see all the people.
No it’s not a church anymore you see
But another place to drink coffee
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 62
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,
My name is that name now
Whenever I go out,
The people will always shout,
There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.
(I’m John Smith really but I’ll never be a super star named John Smith)
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 63
Rain, rain go away,
You’re ruining my holiday
I wait all year to come away
Rain, rain, go to Spain,
Don’t come back to Wales again
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 64
There was a crooked man and he walked a crooked mile,
Well that’s not strictly true he travelled there in style
After all what is the point of being a crooked man
If you can’t live it good and large when you can
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 65
Mary had a woolly lamb
Who ran away from her
It was struck by lightning
And its now just polyester
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 66
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was black as night
But it’s not PC to call it black
So she calls it dirty white
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 67
Jack and Jill went up the hill
They planned to do some snogging
But jack tried to get in her pants
So she whacked him on the noggin
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 68
Ding dong bell
Pussy's in the well
And that’s where it’s staying
Until it learns not to piss in my garden
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 69
Jack ate all the lean,
Joan ate all the fat.
They left the platter so clean,
There was nothing for the cat
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 70
Half a pound of tuppenny rice,
Half a pound of treacle.
This will never make a bomb
Not even if you added diesel
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 71
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack jumped over the candlestick
But someone lit the candlestick
And poor old Jack burnt his wick
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 72
Ladybird, ladybird fly away home,
Or soon our own species will be gone
Fly back across the sea so blue
And take your extra spots with you
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 73
Little Tommy Tucker sings for his suppers,
Because he is so down on his uppers
But he doesn’t get much out of it
Because his singing is really shit
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 74
"Pussycat, pussycat, where have you been?
Have you been up to London to visit the Queen?"
“No I haven’t, didn’t you hear my meow?
I’ve been locked in the garage you silly cow”
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 75
Half a pound of tuppenny rice,
Half a pound of treacle.
This internet bomb making site
Really is a load of shite
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