21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 76

An apple a day
Keeps the doctor away
Is an old wives tale
And doomed to fail
So when the doc calls
Just knee him in the balls

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 77

Horsey, horsey will you stop
Just stop with all that clippetty clop
You’ve been put out to pasture as you know well
So stop playing with the coconut shells

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 78

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,
That is my name now
That’s John spelt with an H
And Jacob with a C
And Jingleheimer spelt the right way!!
Oh what is the point just call me JJ

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 79

The Grand old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men
And when the hedonistic Duke reached the end
He started all over again

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 80

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her face
She might call it a curl
But I’m afraid little girl
You’ve actually grown a moustache

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 81

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
“That’s inbreeding for you”

SMALL BEER

When I first met my lady
All was well with life
But she soon tried to change me
Once she became my wife

She told me I must save money
And my drinking days were over
But she would still go out
Spending a mint on a make over

I complained about giving up beer
While she wasted cash so readily
She said she spent the money
In order to look pretty for me

I said that before I gave it up
That was what the beer was for
Somehow I don’t think she’ll return
By the way she slammed the door

OVER THE HILL

As a young man in the full flower of youth
I had more than my fair share of adventures
Now the best I can manage, to tell the truth
Is staring at the glass that holds me dentures

LITTLE BOY BLUE

A person who blows their own trumpet
Is by nature a soloist
Alternatively the person could always be
A contortionist

WHETHER OR WHEN

Whether plain and frumpy
Or even cross and grumpy
Whether fat or skinny
In a long dress or a mini
Whether sober or tipsy
From New York or Poughkeepsie
On green grass or on clover
Perhaps on a train from Dover
Who, where, how is a way to begin
But what I want to know is when
When is the burning question
That’s affecting my digestion
When will I discover
Who will be my lover?

I WOULD IF I COULD

I would if I could
But I can’t so I shan’t
How good if I should
But I can’t which I grant
If I could I know I would
But I can’t so I shan’t
Oh how good if I should
But I chant I can’t, I can’t

LIFE BEGINS

When my wife was pregnant
I was told I must be there
Smoking cigars with the lads
Was never on the cards I fear
I had never been fascinated
With childbirth I must declare
Waiting for the time for that bag
Of screaming giblets to appear
“I’m not going down the business end
I’ll just hold your hand dear”
But when you’re in the room
The event fills you with cheer
And when my son entered the world
I shed more than a little tear

I FORGET TO EAT

There was a rather vacuous
Skinny girl who irritated me
“Sometimes I forget to eat”
The silly girl said to me
Now I’ve forgotten things
Where I parked the car
My mother's maiden name
Keys for the house and the car
And once even where I lived
But I’ve never forgotten to eat
I’ve been too busy or too tired
But not so stupid I forgot to eat

BE MY VALENTINE # 6

On Valentines Day
The valentine card said to the stamp
Stick with me and we'll go places!
While the farmer gave his wife
Hogs and kisses!
And the caveman gave his wife
Ughs and kisses!
And the Persian gave his wife
Rugs and kisses!

OFFSPRING

A woman knows all about her children
She knows their likes and dislikes,
Who their friends are and who they fancy
There illness’s, ailments and allergies

She knows the dates of all their matches
Drop off and pick up, Home and away
She knows about appointments for hospital
As well as Doctor, optical and dental

She know about their favourite foods
And the things that make them sick
She know what scares them and why
And what makes them laugh and cry

She knows all about their hopes and dreams
And what they may look for in a spouse
While a man on the other hand, is vaguely aware
Of some short people living in the house.

YOU CAN LEARN A LOT FROM TV

Fed up of missing his favourite shows on TV
Young Ben wanted was his own telly
“Could I have a telly in my room dad”?
Reluctantly Dad said yes to the lad
Ben stayed in his room the first night
Next morning he gave his parents a fright
He asked his them “what is love juice?”
His mother left making some feeble excuse
Leaving his Dad to explain the basics
Of sexual intercourse and its mechanics
The boy sat in open mouthed amazement
Dad asked him after his embarrassment
“Exactly what program did you have on?”
The boy replied "I was watching Wimbledon"

DEMENTIA

I think my grandparents
Are suffering from dementia
Because granddad asked my gran
As they sat together on the sofa
“Whatever happened
To our sexual relations dear?”
And the answer she gave
Is what gave me cause to fear
“I don’t know, we didn’t even get
A Christmas card from them this year”

WOKINGS WOES

After a dismal start to the season
Woking are slowest out the blocks
With two points from seven games
The crowd are angry to their socks
They have singled out a scapegoat
A target for their jeers and mocks
and they call the new striker “jigsaw”
Because he goes to pieces in the box

HIS PERFECT WOMAN

According to my brother
When chosing one over another
The perfect woman will be
Quite easy to find really
His perfect woman indeed
Would only actually need
To make his life complete
Two tits and a heartbeat

SAY IT AINT SO

“What is the chemical formula for water?”
The science teacher said to young Joe
Joe confidently stood up and replied
H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O,
“That’s not even close” the teacher shouted
Joe said “Last week you said it was H to O”

CONSTITUTIONAL

Old Joe shuffled his way
Along the promenade one day
He decided it was time to stop
As he passed an ice cream shop
He moved slowly and painfully
And climbed on a stool carefully
After catching his breath a bit
Old Joe ordered a banana split
"Crushed nuts?" asked the waitress
"No," he replied, "just arthritis."

HARRY, LARRY AND BARRY

Three old friends walking from
The old folks retirement home
"Windy, isn't it?" said Harry
"No, it's Thursday!" said Larry
Then Barry said with a cheer
"So am I let's get a beer"

AGES OF MAN

You were once a good boy
Mummy’s pride and joy
Then you grew into a nice kid
Because of the things you did
Then you progressed to be a great guy
It just happened you don’t know why
Then you arrived and were a fine man
Just in time for your retirement plan
And if only that was the end of it
But no you grew into an old git

FURTHER BLONDES

One night
Bimbette asked her friend
"Which do you think is farther
Florida or the moon?"
Peaches replied
"Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?"

HAIR CARE FOR MEN

The great thing about being a man
Is you can have the same hairstyle for years
And waking in the morning with a mustache
Doesn’t make you burst into tears
But perhaps the best thing of all
You only have to shave your facial hairs

OUT LIKE A LIGHT

I can remember like yesterday
So fearful of the dark night
My boy wouldn’t sleep a wink
Without the comfort of a light
Now he’s a teenage boy
He’s fearless and stays out all night

THE PERFECT GIFT

If as a man you feel in life
You don’t provide your wife
With enough frustration to suit her
Then purchase her a home computer

MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS

Money can't buy happiness
That is almost definitely so
But it’s more comfortable to cry
In a mansion than a bungalow

SENIOR JOINTS

If after the age of sixty years
I think this is safely said
And you don't wake up aching in every joint
You are almost certainly dead

DASH IT ALL

They called it the dash
Way back in the day
A short word for a short race
Dash was the right word to say
Now they call it the sprint
Like its something elite
It’s still just a short race
That’s been hijacked by the Effete


USE AS DIRECTED

If you should confuse your valium
With your birth control pills, beware
You’ll end up with sixteen kids
But I don’t suppose you’ll care

SENIOR HIGH

I haven’t felt myself lately
The symptoms seldom vary
Lethargy, listlessness and apathy
And if I stand up quick, I go dizzy
My son said as a matter of fact
He has to smoke two joints to feel like that

LOVE IS CONTAGIOUS

Love is like a bad winter cold
It strikes at the young and the old
It’s not something for which they can inoculate
There is no cure for those who participate
So even if you feel like you have the flu
Love is just something you must go through

LONG LIFE

 “What is the secret of your longevity?”
They asked the world’s oldest human being
He replied “a good diet and exercise,
But most of all you must keep breathing”

NATURAL JUSTICE

Natural justice for those deserving
Needs applying
So the man who invented Fucking
Needs decorating
And the man who invented decorating
Needs fucking

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (3)

My dad told me
“Susan’s going to the west of India”
So I said “Goa?”
“Well that’s what they say about her”

WORKING LATES AND EARLIES

Why is it that the boss
Is in the office bright and early
Only on those particular days
When the rest of us are tardy
 But is noticeably late
On the days that we are early

VALENTINE QUESTION

Roses are red, violets are blue
Do I have to buy flowers for you
Violets are blue, Roses are red
Ok I understand if I don’t I’m dead

INCONSEQUENTIAL?

Maybe to the world at large
You are just one person
Small, inconsequential
But if you think that you’re wrong

The truth I want to tell you
On a banner boldly unfurled
To this one lucky person
You are the entire world

THE MARITAL PROCESS

I think that marriage
Is not as the bible may suggest
For adults to produce children
Through marital congress
But rather the opposite is true
If I might hazard my guess
It is for children to produce adults
At the end of the marital process
SPREADAGE
There is a natural law of perversity
You cannot no matter the necessity
Determine in anyway successfully
Beforehand or ahead
Which side of the bread
To be buttered or spread
HAPPY BIRTHDAY’S

Another birthday has arrived
Happy birthday we all shout
The cake is a mass of candles
A milestone year without doubt
Just be sure you wish for strength
To blow all the candles out

BACHELOR BOY

A bachelor is so defined
As a man who doesn’t marry
When he is perfectly able
And as a result bachelorhood
They miss the perfect opportunity
To make a woman’s life miserable

WOW FACTOR

When looking for a partner
Be a little smart
And pay attention to this wisdom
I wish to impart
Good looks will catch their eye
Which is a good start
But it takes a good personality
To catch their heart

HONEYMOON ADVICE

On your wedding night
And you are nervous
And full of trepidations
Don’t sit up all night
Awaiting the arrival
Of your sexual relations

WHAT ARE THEY SAYING?

I’ve always been paranoid
That I will admit
And for many years
I’ve been getting help with it
Now to a life of deafness
I have been condemned
And I know people talk about me
But now I can’t hear them

SUCCESSFUL

A successful man is one who makes
More money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can
Find such a husband to apprehend

THE PARADOX OF MARRIAGE

When a woman decides
To play the marriage game
She expects her spouse to change
But alas he stays the same
When a man decides
To play the marriage game
His spouse in fact changes
When he expects her to stay the same

TECHNICAL TIP

This is a technical tip so listen to it
Absorb it and assimilate it
If it’s wet you may dry it
If it's dirty you may clean it,
If it squeaks you may oil it,.
But if it works: don’t fiddle with it!

ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL

One in five bad accidents
Are caused it seems
By drivers who drift off
To the land of dreams
But drivers who fall
Asleep at the wheel
Are the lesser evil
I’m inclined to feel
Because the simple fact
That makes me quake
Is that four out of five
Are wide awake

CLUNK CLICK

Clunk click every trip
Is the advice of the boffins
Because your seat belt is never
As confining as your coffin

CHOCO MAN

I have had my fill of men
Who are second rate
If only they were as satisfying
As a bar of chocolate

BI THE WAY

Just remember when on the prowl
For liaisons casual
Your chances are immediately doubled
If you are bisexual

OLD BUZZARD

I have come to the conclusion
Which is quite worrying
That although my sex life isn’t dead
The buzzards are definitely circling

GET YOUR DANDER UP

When some one annoys you
And you want to have a go
When your hackles go up
Firstly count to ten or so

But if they get under your skin
And you want to let rip
And you feel your temples throb
Firstly just bite your lip

But if all else has failed
And you do lose your temper
Keep your words soft and sweet
In case you have to eat them later

FUN GUY OR FUNGI

In my long life
I have found this to be true
Ex husbands are like thrush
They keep coming back to you

GO SOUTH

Now I’m getting on
The time has come
As winter approaches
To head towards the sun

To head south for the winter
Like the ducks before me
But it’s with regret I have to say
Some of me is headed there already

NOT BEING PREVIOUS

For those who don’t believe
In sex before marriage
Those who want the horse
Before the carriage
I should point out
It isn't premarital sex per se”
If there is no intention
Of having a wedding day

ONE GOOD TURN

One good turn deserves another
I think that’s what they say
But I’ve learned that one good turn
Gets most of the duvet

SEX TOY

In this modern age
It is certainly possible
For you to increase
Sexual arousal
With the use of mechanical devices
In particular
They work on women
One of these is a sports car

SEX WITHOUT LOVE

Sex without love
Is a meaningless experience you know
I think you’ll agree
But as meaningless experiences go
Sex without love
Is pretty bloody marvelous though

SEX IS

Sex is the most natural
Sex is the most wonderful
Sex is the most wholesome
Sex is the most awesome
Sex is the most special
Sex is the most beautiful
That money can buy
For any girl or guy

SEX TOY UPGRADE

In this modern age
It is certainly possible
For you to increase
Sexual arousal
With the use of mechanical devices
In particular
They work on women
One of these is a sports car
However these devices
Don’t always work on a man
If he is inclined
To spend all the time he can
Tinkering with the cars parts
Rather than the woman

BEWARE THE IDES….

Ceasar and Brutus were talking one day
About the phones with the most cachet
They discussed the best deals of the day
Then friend Brutus thought to say
“What network are you with by the way?”
Ceasar promply replied “O2 Brute”

THE LITTLE CHILDREN SAY

The little children say
All cute and sweet
On all hallows eve
“Trick or treat”

The little pleading faces
Look up with innocence
Wide eyed angels
Full of malevolence

A cute kid you can trust
I haven’t met yet
And what they really mean
Is tricks and threats

CHRISTMAS HERALD

The Christmas lights are up
The shops play Christmas tunes
The Santa’s are out in force
In their red and white platoons
Christmas goodies are on display
The best selections ever seen
Which sends the message out
That it’s nearly Halloween

DRINK TO MY HEALTH

I was out for a walk
Just round and about
When I saw in a doorway
An old down and out
Drinking brake fluid
From an old tin cup
I stood for a moment
And watched him sup
“If that stuff kills you
That would be a crime”
“Don’t worry” said he
“I can stop anytime”

OLD MAN IN THE MIRROR

If when you look in the mirror
And you see NO beer belly
NO complexion like cracked leather
NO bald head or nose like a strawberry
If when you look in the mirror
And it doesn’t look like you have three arses
Or have varicose veins on your lily white legs
Then you need to wear glasses

CAT BOY

My son is like a cat
There’s no doubt of that
All day long he sleeps
While the daylight seeps
Then with a few cat licks
He hits the pavement bricks
And stays out all night
Returning at first light
To where he resides
And when he slinks inside
Without a single word
He brings with him a tatty bird

WOW GRAN

A teenage boy walks in the room
And asks his granny
"Have you seen my pills?
They were labeled LSD"
She looks at him and smiles
"Fuck the pills” Says she
“What about the dragon
Sat on the settee"

BODY IMAGE

I am not perfect
My figure is not the best
Some bits I really hate
But I do quite like my breasts
I have flabby thighs,
Which I would happily condemn
But fortunately my stomach
Obscures the view of them

YOU MUFFIN

When young women
Dress with midriff exposed
It can look attractive
To the suitably disposed
But for those more ampler
Flesh spills over the top
Of tight waist bands
To look like muffin tops

BLACKBERRY CAT

You had to go out on such a filthy day
Even though you have a litter tray
I suppose out side there is fun to be had
And you’re still active so I should be glad
But why is it that you deign to re-enter?
Taking a path right across the centre
With half the garden on your paws
Only after I’ve washed all the floors

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED IT AT THE SEASIDE

I've always loved it at the seaside
But I don’t like dirty postcards
I don’t like kiss me quick hats
Or ice creams on the promenades

I don’t like the sand in the picnic
Or the feel of dry salt on my skin
I don’t like the smell of the seaweeds
Or the sound of seagulls screaming

I don’t like the amusement arcades
And I don’t like the movement of the tide
I don’t like to sit in the deckchairs
I've always loved it at the seaside

GODS GRACE

Little Grace sat hugging her granddad
“Did God make you granddad”? She said
As she stroked his old wrinkled face
Then ran her fingers across his balding head
“Yes sweetheart God did make me”
Then she touched her own face
“And did God make me too”?
“Yes God made you too my little Grace”
She thought for a moment then said
“Well in that case then I guess
God must have fixed the problems
In the manufacturing process”

I ONCE WROTE A NOTE

I once wrote a note
Writ on paper, hue of oat
Not of literary note
Worth less than a groat
Full of unimportant quote
Not worthy to promote
No ego should it bloat
No means to gloat
But it got my vote

The note I wrote
I put in my coat
The coat that I tote
The one on which I dote
The one with stoat
About the throat
My favourite coat
Now held my note

But I left the coat
That housed my note
Upon a boat
“The rampant goat”
That was afloat
In a bay remote
The note, the coat,
And the boat did float

So where was my note?
Memorized by rote
In my favourite coat
With throat of stoat
Floating like a mote
On some distant boat
With no shelter of cote
The note, the coat,
On that blasted boat

HANDBAGS AND GLADRAGS

Alligators and Crocodiles
Swam the murky waters
Unchanged in their ancestry
And in their sons and daughters

Oh how time had left them
As the world kept spinning
Swimming the murky waters
Since the worlds beginning

Until they then fell foul
Of fashion entrepreneurs
Valuing them for their skins
For devotees of couture

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (4)

My dad told me
“Susan’s going to Indonesia”
So I said “Bali?”
“Oh no, she’s not a dancer”

BELLA DONNA

I met the beautiful Daniela
When we shared her umbrella
Then we drank a little Stella
And I said I thought her bella
She said I was quite a fella
So I had my way with Daniela

If I saw her now I’d tell her
About the state of my old fella
That turned a funny shade of yella
And the STD clinic fella
Had to employ his own umbrella
After I had my way with Daniela

SWING

I’m in the motor trade and I’ll try anything once
So I went to one of those swingers parties
I took the wife along and she was well keen
She’s a good looker when she’s dressed up tarty

But after I dropped my car keys in the bowl
I realised that I had really dropped a clanger
As I’d arrived at the party with the latest model
But I went home with an old banger

TIMING IS EVERYTHING

We were both young me and him
And full of vigour and vim
So why was our sex life so grim?

We understood the mechanics
We enjoyed each others bits
And knew where everything fits

So why? Pray tell me, was it
When we get down to do it
Our expectation were never met

We tried every artificial aid
Roll play and other forms of charade
So a radical decision was made

We visited a doctor’s surgery
In hope to relieve our anxiety
Hooray there was nothing wrong with me

I could set my mind at rest
That when he was rummaging in my vest
I was functioning at my best

There was no problem with me, but him
Though both full of vigour and vim
He was the reason our sex life was grim

Because when we got down to jigger
And he was grappling with my figure
It quickly set off his hair trigger

His defect was certainly a pity
But I decided to dump Mr. Brevity
And found a man with sexual longevity

STROKE OF LUCK

Three old ladies were sitting in the park
When a flasher came walking by
This caused Ada to have a stroke
But the other two were just too shy

ASK A STUPID QUESTION

A local reporter
Asks an old lady at her leisure
“What part of being 104
Gives you most pleasure”?
She simply replied to him
"No peer pressure"

PUT DOWN # 1

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Just gaze into their eyes
And say to your pursuer
“Why don’t you slip into something
More comfortable… like a coma”

PUT DOWN # 2

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Just say to him seductively
With your hand upon your hip
“Wipe your mouth honey,
You have bullshit around your lips”

PUT DOWN # 3

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“Haven't I seen you some place before”?
Just say clearly to him
“Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore”

PUT DOWN # 4

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you “I'm a photographer
I've been looking for a face like yours.”
Just reply “I'm a plastic surgeon
I've been looking for a face like yours.”

PUT DOWN # 5

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “Didn't we go on a date once?
Or was it twice?”
Just reply “Must've been once.
I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice”

PUT DOWN # 6

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “I believe in equality
So you can ask ME out”
Just reply to him sweetly
“Well if you insist, Get out”.

PUT DOWN # 7

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you
“Can I buy you a drink, honey?”
Just reply to him
“I'd rather have the money”.

PUT DOWN # 8

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Where have you been all my life?”
Is the kind of line you might get
So just reply to him
“I wasn’t born for most of it”

PUT DOWN # 9

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Where have you been all my life?”
Is the kind of line he may use
So just reply to him
“I’ve been hiding from you”

PUT DOWN # 10

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“How did you get to be so beautiful?”
He may well declare
So just reply to him
“I must've been given your share”

PUT DOWN # 11

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Will you go out with me this Saturday”?
Is an invitation he may extend
So just reply to him
“Sorry. I have a headache this weekend”

PUT DOWN # 12

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Your face must turn a few heads”
May be one of his attacks
So just reply to him
“Yours must turn a few stomachs”

PUT DOWN # 13

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“The look of you could stop a mans heart”
May be his opening gambit
So just reply to him
“The look of you could stop traffic”

PUT DOWN # 14

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you
“I’ve been looking for you all my life”
Just reply to him
“I hope you told your wife”

PUT DOWN # 15

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you
“You’re more than a woman to me”
Just reply to him
“More than you know, my name’s Henry”

PUT DOWN # 16

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“I think I could make you very happy”
Is a line he might be weaving
So just reply to him
“Why? Are you leaving”?

PUT DOWN # 17

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“What would you say if I asked you to marry me”?
Just say clearly to him
“Nothing, I can't talk and laugh simultaneously”

PUT DOWN # 18

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“Can I have your name Hon”?
Just say clearly to him
“Why? Don't you already have one”?

PUT DOWN # 19

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“Shall we go and see a movie”?
Just reply to him
“I've seen it already”

PUT DOWN # 20

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“Is this seat empty Hon”?
Just reply to him
“Yes, and if you sit down so will this one”

PUT DOWN # 21

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“I bet you are a lawyer or a doctor?”
Just reply to him
“No I'm a female impersonator”

PUT DOWN # 22

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Hey baby, what's your sign”?
Is a question he may tender
So just reply to him
“My sign is “do not enter””

PUT DOWN # 23

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Wow your body is like a temple”
He might well say
Just reply to him
“Sorry, there are no services today”

PUT DOWN # 24

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“I'd die happy, If I could see you naked”
He might well begin
So just reply to him
“If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing”

PUT DOWN # 25

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“How would you like your eggs in the morning”?
He might say to you
So just reply to him
“Unfertilized will do”

PUT DOWN # 26

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you
“What’s going on in that pretty little head honey?”
Just reply to him
“I'm trying to imagine you with a personality”

PUT DOWN # 27

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he should say to you
“I could do things to you that you wouldn’t believe”
Simply reply to him
“Really? If I throw a stick, will you leave?'

PUT DOWN # 28

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he uses the line
“Have you heard we’ve been brought together by cupid”
So just reply to him
"I like you, you remind me of when I was young and stupid."

PUT DOWN # 29

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
"Let's go back to my place!"
Would be a line well known
So just reply to him
"I don't think we'll both fit under that stone!"

PUT DOWN # 30

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he sidles up to you with his pick up line
Before he has chance to deliver it
Just say to him
"Nice cologne, but did you have to marinate in it?"

PICKUP # 1

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Like “I'm ready for some FUN,
I hope you are too
I already have the F and the N,
Now all I need is U”

PICKUP # 2

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Winning the Lotto jackpot”
You might start
“Is quite meaningless if you’re single
And have a weak heart!'

PICKUP # 3

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Let me introduce myself”
You can say to her
“You don’t look like the kind of girl
Who’ll sleep with a stranger”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 38

Ring-a-Ring o'Rosies
A Pocket full of Posies
"Pig flu! Pig flu!"
We all take a sickie!

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 39

For want of a nail the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe the horse was lost.
For want of a horse the rider was lost.
For want of a rider the battle was lost.
For want of a horseshoe nail oh what tosh.
Ill equipped and poorly lead is why they lost

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 40

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack jumped over the candlestick
But Jack should have jumped higher
Because he’s set his balls on fire

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 41

Twinkle, twinkle little star
Are the services very far?
Oh I really hope they are
Or I will Tinkle, Tinkle in the car

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 42

Mary was a little flirt
Men followed her like sheep
But though she liked the attention
She fancied little bo peep

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 43

Yan, tan, tethera, pethera, pimp.
They’ll not miss the one with a limp
Sethera, methera, hovera, covera, dik,
Lets just kill it nice and quick
We’ve counted all the masters sheep
Let’s have lamb stew before we sleep

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 44

Hickory, dickory, dock
Some mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one,
When the pendulum swung
Hickory, dickory, dock

Hickory, dickory, dock
The mice looked on in shock
Seeing the stricken one
Fall all the way to the ground
Hickory, dickory, dock

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 45

Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he;
He called for his pint in the middle of the day
And he called for his cronies three.
Every crony had a fresh bottle,
And a very fine bottle had he;
Oh there's none so pissed as can compare
With King Cole and his cronies three.

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 46

Red sky at night,
Arsonist’s delight;
Red sky at morning,
Four minute warning.

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 47

Baa, baa black sheep, have you any wool?
No sir, No sir, we don’t have any wool!
Are you a nutter? Are you insane?
This is the butchers the wool shop‘s down the lane.

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 48

Hot cross buns! Hot cross buns!
One a penny two a penny - Hot cross buns
Isn’t that buy one get one free? Or are they two for ones?
Not one a penny two a penny - Hot cross buns

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 49

The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat,
Though they were jolly, their expedition was folly
And the coast guard sent a life boat
So when the Owl and the Pussycat went to sea
Safely ashore we were able to see
Because the couples distress, the whole sorry mess
Was filmed by the BBC

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 50

Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John,
Went to bed with his trousers on;
One shoe off, and one shoe on,
He was completely shit faced my son John!

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 51

The worms crawl in the worms crawl out,
They crawled in thin and crawl out stout
And when they’re so fat they cannot crawl
The birds come down and eat them all

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 52

I'm bringing home my baby bumble bee
Won’t my Mommy be so proud of me
But my baby bumble bee went and stung me
So I stomped on that bastard bumble bee

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 53

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
The people behind could see nothing at all
They asked him to move but he wouldn’t do that
So they pushed him off and he went splat

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 54

Little Jack Horner sat in a corner
Eating his Christmas pie
He stuck in his thumb
After scratching his bum
Then offered to share his pie.

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 55

One, two, three, four, five.
Once I caught a fish alive,
Now you don’t see that every day
Not on the Thames anyway

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 56

Little Tommy Tucker sings for his supper,
What shall we do for him? He’s a bit of a nutter
And he can’t sing a note every one knows
So we’ll audition him on one of Simons shows

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 57

The Grand old Duke of York he had ten thousand men
He marched them up to the top of the hill
And he marched them down again.
This upset the lads, who thought the Duke mad
So in order to stop him, they had to top him

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 58

Horsey, horsey don't you stop
Just let your feet go clippetty clop
Make the whip swish close up the ground
Win the race or your dog food bound

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 59

Hark, hark my dogs do bark
All day walking round the town
My plates of meat, my aching feet
I just want a nice sit down

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 60

Hark, hark the dogs do bark
The chavs are coming to town
Some with piercings and some with tats
And one in a designer gown

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 61

Here's the church, and here's the steeple
Open the door and see all the people.
No it’s not a church anymore you see
But another place to drink coffee

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 62

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,
My name is that name now
Whenever I go out,
The people will always shout,
There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.
(I’m John Smith really but I’ll never be a super star named John Smith)

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 63

Rain, rain go away,
You’re ruining my holiday
I wait all year to come away
Rain, rain, go to Spain,
Don’t come back to Wales again

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 64

There was a crooked man and he walked a crooked mile,
Well that’s not strictly true he travelled there in style
After all what is the point of being a crooked man
If you can’t live it good and large when you can

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 65

Mary had a woolly lamb
Who ran away from her
It was struck by lightning
And its now just polyester

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 66

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was black as night
But it’s not PC to call it black
So she calls it dirty white

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 67

Jack and Jill went up the hill
They planned to do some snogging
But jack tried to get in her pants
So she whacked him on the noggin

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 68

Ding dong bell
Pussy's in the well
And that’s where it’s staying
Until it learns not to piss in my garden

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 69

Jack ate all the lean,
Joan ate all the fat.
They left the platter so clean,
There was nothing for the cat

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 70

Half a pound of tuppenny rice,
Half a pound of treacle.
This will never make a bomb
Not even if you added diesel

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 71

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack jumped over the candlestick
But someone lit the candlestick
And poor old Jack burnt his wick

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 72

Ladybird, ladybird fly away home,
Or soon our own species will be gone
Fly back across the sea so blue
And take your extra spots with you

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 73

Little Tommy Tucker sings for his suppers,
Because he is so down on his uppers
But he doesn’t get much out of it
Because his singing is really shit

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 74

"Pussycat, pussycat, where have you been?
Have you been up to London to visit the Queen?"
“No I haven’t, didn’t you hear my meow?
I’ve been locked in the garage you silly cow”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 75

Half a pound of tuppenny rice,
Half a pound of treacle.
This internet bomb making site
Really is a load of shite

TERMINAL CONCEIT

Do you hold yourself in high esteem?
Are you the answer to your dreams?
Then you probably go through life, like as not
Thinking you are slicker than snot
Served hot on a silver platter
You really think that you actually matter
While in truth you’re likened to a cold bogey
Dried out, smeared and unsightly
Stuck to a “pound shop” paper plate
This is a truer reflection of your state
So take heed of this little ditty
And learn a little humility

50 SOMETHING

So you’re 50 something
No need to feel so glum
True you’re no spring chicken
And you’re the mom of a mom
You’re nearer the next milestone
Than you are the last one
But don’t fret about the numbers
Celebrate each day with aplomb
You truly are now a “WOW”
A “wiser older woman”
See the positive in the situation
Try to hold onto that if you can
Don’t think of the loss of youth
Focus on the gaining of wisdom
And if you believe all this rubbish
Then you really are undone

HOSPITAL DUDE

The coolest dude at the hospital
Is the ultra sound guy
But when he is on holiday
It’s the hip replacement guy

A NEW BROOM

Two brooms where wed
And when “I do’s” were said
The lady broom disclosed
The reason for her clothes
Of genourous flatter
And the fact of the matter.
A little broom was on its way
Oh what a happy day
But he was not so happy
With expecting a little chappie
This just wasn’t fair
As he hadn’t swept with her

ANYONE FOR TENNIS # 1
 
For Henman fans Andy Murray
Doesn’t do it for them
And for his on court aggression
They criticize him
But if you remove his aggression
You’re left with Tim

GET A GRIP

It was when I was at the hospital today
I had undressed and was sat waiting
When the nurse said quite sharply
“You really must stop masturbating”

Alarmed I asked with tremulous voice
“Why is there something wrong Nurse Pugh?
She looked at me unsympathetically and said
“No it’s because I need to examine you”

PICKING FROM THE MENU

Looks can be so deceiving
When searching for a lover
If you make an instant judgment
Just hope they can deliver

So ladies beware when choosing
The macho over the wimp
If you expect to get king prawn
You may end up getting shrimp

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 12

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To spend some time with each other
Jack failed to rise
Jill raised her eyes
Then went off to find his big brother

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 13

Christmas is coming, the Geese are getting fat
The bird is a little fatty but I don’t mind that
If you haven’t got a Goose then a Turkey will do
If you haven’t got a Turkey, I’m not dining with you

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 14

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
They took with them a bucket
Jack made a play
Jill said “no way”
So he said to himself “oh bother”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 15

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some snogging.
But on the way
They met Ray
And spent the afternoon dogging

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 16

Jack asked Jill
Are you on the pill?
As I have no form of protection
Jill looked grim
Then said to him
Where he could stick his erection

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 17
 
A diller, a dollar, a 10 o'clock scholar,
What makes you arrive so late
It’s no good arriving at 10 o'clock
You’re Headmaster for goodness sake

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 18

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Growing in the middle of her chest
With the sunlight on her
It looked like a comma
That punctuated her pert little breasts

(Little girl in this case refers to stature and not age, so stop composing a complaint already)

(Not really a nursery rhyme I know
So sorry to the fans of Longfellow)


21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 19

A diller, a dollar, a 10 o'clock scholar,
What makes you come so soon?
Just think about cricket the next time
that we get down to it in my room

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 20

Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are?
Are you a star twinkling bright?
Or just another bloody satellite

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 21

Tom, Tom the pipers son
Stole a pig and away he ran,
The pig was ate and it tasted great
And so said everyone on Tom’s estate

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 22

Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are?
Are you the star I saw before?
Or an earth destroying meteor

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 23

One, two, three, four, five.
Once I caught a fish alive,
But what we couldn’t see
The fish was full of Mercury

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 24

An apple a day
Keeps the doctor away
Isn’t really true
So the best thing to do
Is squirt some mace
Into their face

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 25

Goosey Goosey Gander where shall I wander,
Up hills, down dales with a bullet in the chamber
there I spied you plump and fat in my crosshairs
Then on the dinner table as we where saying prayers

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 26

Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
We just couldn’t wait to have more fun
As we heated some more in a spoon

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 27

Itsy Bitsy spider climbing up the spout
Where all the chemical waste comes out
Now Itsy Bitsy spider isn’t quite the same
And can no longer get in the spout again

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 28

Doctor Foster
Went to Gloucester
On a railway train
But he got in a muddle
And got off at Bristol
And said “Oh shit not again”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 29

Little Boy Blue
Come blow your horn,
And I’ll make you a superstar
In the world of porn

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 30

Hickory dickory dock
Something’s up with the clock
The clock’s struck dumb
The batteries run down
Useless bloody clock

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 31

London Bridge is falling down,
Falling down, falling down,
And the reason that its falling down
Built by Wimpy

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 32

Mondays child is bleary eyed,
Tuesdays child is full of pride,
Wednesdays child is fighting fit,
Thursdays child is full of shit,
Fridays child gets out of its brain,
Saturdays child goes to the pub again
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is nice and kind in an irritating way

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 33

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey,
Along came a geezer,
Who propositioned her
And horny Miss Muffet said ok

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 34

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her and doggie some bread
When she got there
The cupboard was bare
So she ate the doggie instead.

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 35

Two little dicky birds sitting on a wall,
One named Peter, one named Paul.
Fly away Peter, away said Paul,
Don’t come back, this is my wall!

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 36

Jack Sprat could eat no fat
His wife could eat no lean
And so to please the two of them
They eat vegetarian cuisine

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 37

As I was going to St. Ives
I met a man with seven wives,
Seven wives now that’s really tough
I’ve got one and that’s enough

CRIME WATCH

To reduce rising crime
There are criteria to meet
One of which is of course
More “Bobbies” on the beat

Preventative measures help
Taking precaution certainly
Locking doors and windows
Fitting alarms and CCTV

But the only certain way
For your possessions to remain
And for streets to be crime free
Is to stay indoors and pray for rain

EPIDEMIC TO PANDEMIC

The UK swine flu cases
Have now reach sixty two
But the shocking news
That’s being kept from you
Is of the 35 million
Confirmed cases of man flu

ALL ENCOMPASSING

A compass point
Will show due north
And knowing where north resides
Lets you find your way
To all points due
This differs greatly
From a moral compass point
Which only has one position
And always points you to
“Do the right thing”

FILTHY RICH

Life can really be
An awful bitch
Which is why, on balance
I would prefer to be rich
There are some people
Those lucky dogs and bitches
Who though little effort
Amass immense riches
In numbered accounts
Their balances healthy
And they find themselves
So incredibly wealthy
That they lose all respect
For simple humanity
And that's the kind of rich
That I want to be.

Edited by author 05-18-2009 09:42 AM
FEVERISH

I don’t think I have swine flu
As I haven’t been to Mexico
But I don’t feel well at all
I feel like crap if you must know
I thought of the NHS for advice
On the flu and perhaps its tackling
So I phoned the swine flu hotline
But all I got was crackling

A GRAVY TRAIN PRODUCTION

In order to keep supping
From the gravy train
The hangers on have boarded
The chav express again

Moving the Goody show
To the stage from satellite
So they can still cash in
And keep her in the spotlight

As if this crazy world
Wasn’t already farcical
Now we have to suffer
Jade the fucking musical

CUPID FIRED

I’ve waited for my valentine
For such a long lonely time
I have waited for years
For him to end all my tears
I’ve waited for cupid to start
And shoot his arrow at a heart
The piercing of my valentine
That would then make him mine
And I hoped and I prayed
For a valentines loving serenade
But I never ever got one
So I shot cupid with a gun
You may think my actions hard
But he did nothing in my regard
And when apology remained unsaid
I shot cupid in the head

PAM AND SUE (sisters rewrite)

I’ve met strange girls
In this life of mine
When seeking company
From time to time
Strange like the sisters
That once I knew
Two sisters known
As Pam and Sue

Now Pam was the oldest
As a matter of fact
And she had blonde hair
Right down her back
That sounds all right
You would have said
But it grew down her back
And not on her head

Now Sue was the younger
It has to be said
And she wasn’t blonde
She was a red head
And when I saw her
I was filled with dread
She had no hair
Just a very red head

I’ve met strange girls
In this life of mine
When seeking company
From time to time
But none since the sisters
That once I knew
Who went by the names
Of Pam and Sue

THE IT GIRL

I had a first date with a girl
From the I.T. suite
Who for a computer nerd
Is really very sweet
It was a disaster
Not quite but almost complete
I wish that I could have hit
Ctrl Alt Delete

 I tried that way, but as you mentioned, that there is difference between
real life and my thinks, and i still have lots of questions, but anyway,
thank you for share.
cheap wow gold

Edited by author 03-12-2009 11:56 AM
COMFORT EATER

Through a total lack of self esteem
I eat too much to ease my despair
And food has now replaced sex for me
So I can't even get into my own underwear

SHARING

We shared an umbrella when we first met
When caught in an April shower
We shared our first kiss
One night in the wee small hours
We shared a passionate embrace
And made love in culmination
Then we shared a secret
After we caught an unpleasant infection

MY COOKIE LAMENT

Oh what a pleasure they represent
Such sinful pleasure I’ll not repent
Whether foreign fare of strange accent
Or posh ones made for lady and gent
Or those down the bargain basement
Even with broken ones I am content
But I must cease those moments spent
Devouring the cookies heaven sent
And sing loud my sad cookie lament
Of a man left alone in his torment
For as the treat that they represent
I have given cookies up for lent

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES – A QUESTION OF SYLLABLES

“Ok class, today we will learn
About words with multi syllables”
The teacher addressed her class
“Does anyone have an example?”
One boy put up his hand
“Please miss I have an example”
He wrote on the blackboard “Mas-tur-bate”
Then said “that is my example”
The teacher was a little embarrassed
"Gosh that’s a mouthful."
"No, Miss, you're thinking of a blowjob
And that has fewer syllables”

MEN ARE ALL THE SAME

Men are all the same
Let’s say that from the start
They have different faces
But only to tell them apart
like distinguishing marks
And another alarming fact
Is, all men are created equal
How sad is that?

DIPPED OUT

In the dim and distant past
When I was young and free
Going about running and skipping
And we’d all go “skinny dipping”

Now the years have rushed past
And have taken there toll
I hobble, shuffling and clunking
And in the pool I go “chunky dunking”

WEDDING SUPER

Well congratulations are in order
Two super heroes have tied the knot
The Invisible Man has just got married
To the Invisible Woman and why not
But I would offer to the happy couple
This note of caution, I would suggest
They avoid at all costs having a brat
Because it will be nothing to look at

NEW RESOLVE

My New Year resolution
Was to find a solution
To my misshapen figure
And lack of vim and vigour
Though feeling rather grim
I signed up for the gym
First came the orientation
And equipment demonstration
I was told of suitable clothes
Something loose that flows
I said “the reason or the point
Of me being in this joint
And why I signed up tonight
Is all my clothes are tight”

A BLOCKED VALVE

I have some information to impart
Why it is that men snore
When they lie on their backs
Is the time they do it more
It’s a simple case of physics
Because their dangly bits of genitalia
Hang down to block their anal orifice
Which in turn causes apnea

wholesale jewelry from china

DECEMBER REMEMBRANCES

Every year during the festivities
I remember friends and family
Those who are no longer with us
To celebrate another Christmas
And with each passing December
It seems there are more to remember
But I take time in equal measure
To enjoy each moment and to treasure
Those special ones who are still here
Whose number also grows year on year

OH JESUS SON OF MARY

Its time to celebrate
Our saviour’s birth
Its time to mark
The day he came to earth

Its Christmas again
Its time to rejoice
Its time to sing
And to our praise give voice

So praise the Prince of peace
Our majesty of mercy
Hallelujah Son of God
Oh Jesus Son of Mary

PREPARING THE BIRD

The best way to prepare
Your turkey this Christmas
Is to keep it simple
To minimize the fuss
To my way of thinking
The best method to apply
Is just be straight
And say “Turkey, you’re going to die”

THE GREATEST GIFT OF ALL

If you seek a special gift
The greatest gift of all
Don’t look beneath your tree
It was never there at all
The greatest Christmas gift
Was given to us all
The Christ child in a manger
In a lowly cattle stall

YES THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS

If you want the great gift giver
To come on his sleigh and deliver
Then remember this simple rhyme
And recall it at Christmas time
“If in Santa you do not believe
Christmas gifts you will not receive”

PLASTIC CHRISTMAS

Now Dasher, Now, Dancer
Now Prancer and Vixen
On Comet, On Cupid
On Donner, On Blitzen
So the plastic Santa’s say
Down at the mall
But shoppers have a verse
That serves one and all
Now charge it, now defer it
No cash and No cheques
On store card, on visa
On MasterCard and A-mex

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MIRROR, MIRROR

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Am I the loveliest of them all?
Mirror, mirror tell me for sure
To stop me feeling insecure

Mirror, mirror hanging there
You needn’t tell me I look fair
Let me think that I look slim
So I can look good for him

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Tell me that my bum is small
Mirror, mirror looking glass
Tell me that’s not all my arse

I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU

I fell in love with you
When you were glam
And I still love you now?
That I’m an old man

I fell in love with you
When you were buffer
And I still love you now?
That I’m an old duffer

I fell in love with you
When you were fit
And I still love you now?
That I’m an old git

DON’T THROW ME ON THE SCRAP HEAP

Don’t throw me on the scrap heap
Just because I’m old
I still have talent and skills to offer
If I may be so bold

My talent is called multi tasking
Or so I’ve been led to believe
And I can simultaneously wet myself
And laugh, cough, fart and sneeze

JACK O’LANTERN

Jack O’Lantern’s light
Gazing out into the night
In the window there
Staring out a scary stare
With your unsympathetic grin
And glowing orange skin
Are you there to keep the spirits out?
With your jagged leering mouth
Or is your gnarled and toothless grin
There to invite the evil in?

THE COSTUMED ARMY

It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead

But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band

So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear

When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour

As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy

So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy

TRICK OR TREAT

When the little boys and girls
Knock at my door for candy
I must give them what they want
“Or else” is their modus operandi
So with a false smile I comply
But under my breath I pray
That by the time Christmas comes
They’ll all have tooth decay

THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD

On all hallows eve when the sun has set
The ghosts and ghouls come out to play
With dripping fangs and bloody claws
They prowl the street in search of prey
And when to my door the fiends appear
I tell the “Trick or Treaters” to go away

HARRY POTTER - THE WITCH WITH AN ITCH

He must return every time school ends
To the bosom of the family Dursley
Where he must while away the time
With only an old owl for company

He waited for word from his chums
For news of some adventure to be had
But they were having too much fun
To spare a thought for the lonely lad

Hermione was feeling a little ginger
Where the Weasley family dwell
Riding Ron like a nimbus
Until he screamed out “bloody hell”

Madam Maxime was spanking Hagrid
And covering his genitals in paint
While Neville was with Ginny
Who held his wand and made him faint

Professor McGonagall morphed into a cat
Then curled up on Dumbledore’s lap
Draco Malfoy wore women’s underwear
As he played with his old chap

Madam Pomfrey played doctors and nurses
With Minister Cornelius Fudge
And Rita Skeeter tied up young Nigel
So tight that he couldn’t budge

Madeye Moody had his meat and two veg
Handled by Pomona Sprout
So deftly did she manipulate him
That his good eye nearly popped out

Seamus played with Cornish pixies
Where Goblin meant something more
And the Patil girls made up a threesome
With the demure Fleur Delacour

Goyle and Crabbe liked to be beaten
And over a desk they were bent
Thought Filius Flitwick had to stand on a box
To meet out their punishment

Unwanted Harry sat alone in his room
Pining for his young love Cho
And was finally forced to seek solace
Where the sad and the lonely go

He sought out the purveyors of sex
Looking for some company
At a place frequented by Filch and Snape
On a street called Ven Ally

But he contracted the vilest irritation
On his most intimate patch
After consorting with a cut price bludger
At a place called the “Golden snatch”

If he had not been so cheap
And not chosen such a dirty little witch
He would have had his carnal pleasures
Without catching the dreaded quid itch

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MY BROTHERS GIRLFRIEND

My brother has a new lady
She’s very nice but no beauty
Tall and slim with a nice figure
She definitely pulls his trigger
He is besotted with her sadly
And he dotes on her quite madly
He calls her his little hollyhock
While we all call her Bob Foc
As she has a Body Off Baywatch
And a Face Off Crimewatch

YOU CAN’T HAVE YOUR CAKE

The upstairs flat has been sublet
Above our local patisserie
To an attractive young woman
Who wears exotic lingerie
Her pursuits are in nature erotic
Ok she’s a prostitute I will admit
But there are advantages to this
As you can eat your cake and have it

BYE, BYE, EVERYONE, BYE, BYE

Sooty is 60 years old now
And has had a long career
But behind the sweet façade
There lurks a secret I fear
Sooty and co-star Sweep
Were rivals for the love of Soo
This caused bitter resentment
Still unresolved between the two
Soo’s on screen persona
Was all sweetness and light
But being fought over
Brought her great delight
But this well kept secret
Is not the only one you see
There is another scandal
Lurking to embarrass Sooty
Despite Soo’s on screen image
Off screen she was quite wild
And the dirty little Panda
Had Sooty’s glove child

THE NAKED TRUTH (2)

Mary stood naked before her husband
“What do you like most about me?”
"What is it that turns you on more,
My pretty face or my sexy body?"
He perused her nakedness briefly
"Your sense of humour!" said hubby

SLEEPING BEAUTIES

Men wake up looking pretty much as they did
The night before when they went to bed
While women wake up looking an awful fright
Because they manage to deteriorated during the night

AN ILL WIND

An elderly couple were in church
When about halfway through,
May leant over and whispered
In the ear of her husband lou,
'I just let out a silent fart
What do you think I should do?'
'I think you should put a new battery
In your hearing aid' Replied Lou

THE NAKED TRUTH (1)

Mary stood naked before the bathroom mirror
And wiped the steam away so she could see clearer
Then her heart sank at what she could see
She said to her husband "I’m fat and I’m ugly”
“I look horrible; pay me a compliment" she sighed
"You have perfect eyesight" He replied

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I LOVE ANAGRAMS

I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 1

I love anagrams
Anagrams are great
Some are funny
Some light the gloom
For example
Dormitory = dirty room

I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 2

I love anagrams
Anagrams are great
Some are funny
Some have flair
For example
Presbyterian = best in prayer

I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 3

I love anagrams
Anagrams are great
Some are strange
Some are funny
For example
The eyes = they see

I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 4

I love anagrams
Anagrams are great
Some make me chuckle
Some make me roar
For example
George Bush = he bugs Gore

I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 5

I love anagrams
Anagrams are great
Some are serious
Some are fun
For example
Gauteng = get a gun
I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 6

I love anagrams
Anagrams are great
Some amuse a little
Some amuse me lots
For example
The morse code = here come dots

I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 7

I love anagrams
Anagrams are great
Some are strange
Some are funny
For example
Slot machines = cash lost in me

I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 8

I love anagrams
Anagrams are great
Some are strange
Some are funny
For example
Animosity = is no amity

I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 9

I love anagrams
Anagrams are great
Some are serious
Some are fun
For example
Eleven plus two = twelve plus one

I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 10

I love anagrams
Anagrams are great
Some make me chuckle
Some leave me red faced
For example
A decimal point = I’m a dot in place
I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 11

I love anagrams
Anagrams are great
Some make me chuckle
Some make my sides ache
For example
The earthquakes = that queer shake

I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 12

I love anagrams
Anagrams are great
Some are funny
Some have flair
For example
Astronomer = moon starer

I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 13

I love anagrams
Anagrams are great
Some make me chuckle
Some make my sides split
For example
Desperation = a rope ends it

I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 14

I love anagrams
Anagrams are great
Some make me chuckle
Some make me titter
For example
Mother-in-law = woman Hitler

I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 15

I love anagrams
Anagrams are great
They are fun
By varying degrees
For example
This is funny
For the Yankees
Snooze alarms = alas! No more z 's
But if you happen to have
A British head
Snooze alarms = alas! No more z 's

I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 16

I love anagrams
Anagrams are great
Some are droll
Some hurt your sides
For example
Election results = let's recount lies

PLATEX WOMAN

What with middle age spread
And the force of gravity
Time has played havoc
With my once sylph like body
My hour glass figure is no more
Alas it’s more like a barometer case
And my “cross your heart” bra
Is more of a “cross your waist”

I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 1

I love anagrams
Anagrams are great
Some are funny
Some light the gloom
For example
Dormitory = dirty room

GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS

Suzy the fluesy is fun in the Jacuzzi
Jude the prude is really rather rude
Tarty Marti is a must at a party
And silly Lily is a very frisky philly

Slender Brenda is really very tender
Whacky Jackie likes to smoke her backy
Crazy Daisy is perhaps a little lazy
And trendy Wendy is extremely bendy

Plain Jane is certainly not mundane
Immoral Coral has a tendency to quarrel
Handy Candy is often rather randy
And mean Jean is frankly just obscene

Steady Teddy is almost always ready
Bobbin Robin can get me throbbin
Shirty Gurty so easily gets flirty
But it’s rosy Rosie with whom I get cosy

Iwas walking

ALL HALLOWS EVE

I hide behind the sofa quivering in fear
Now the witching hour is near
The curtains are drawn tight
And I’ve turned off the lights
The TV volume is way down low
I sit and cower it its feeble glow
Then comes the knock upon the door
And I curl up quivering on the floor
My heart is pounding my breath is shallow
My mouth is dry it’s hard to swallow
On all hallows eve I live in mortal dread
But not of monsters or the un-dead
The fear that turns my heart to stone
Is Trick or Treaters knowing I’m home

OOPS! This isn't poetry, I guess it was supposed to go here!

ATTENTION ALL CYBERDOSHERS

Got my post, nice to see,
Read of the challenge, what's it to be?
Shona Prophett, showin' a loss?
Does anybody really give a toss?

Have to admit, if this is true,
I could be tempted, so could you,
Wouldn't it be cool, wouldn't it be funny,
If we all took part and we all made money?

Check it out, then let me know,
If you're taking part, I'll give it a go.

Details at http://www.cyberdosh.com

LAUGH YOURSELF FIT

It is said to keep you fit and well
Laughter is the best medicine
Unless of course you are a diabetic
Then the best thing is insulin

A NIGHT WITH A FIT BIRD

I pulled a girl on Saturday night
And when we were getting at it
She rasped, moaned and thrashed about
And I don’t mean just a bit
Well I thought I was a great lover
That I have to admit
But alas she was an asthmatic
Having an epileptic fit

Edited by author 09-06-2007 06:55 AM
Just checked and 'Glop' can be a pot of anything thrown in and cooked together, like a general mish mash of left overs, so what about, 'a blue stew'?

I am looking for rhyming riddle for "an azure glop" and a rhyming riddle for a chilly mushroom. Here is an example "a purple gorilla is a "grape ape". A sad fruit is a "glum plum" A thief in a library is a "book Crook".

I can't seem to find rhyming riddle for "An azure glop, or "chilly mushroom" for chilly mushroom i thought maybe "cold mold" and azure glop i know glop means like sloppy food being served? anyone know?

HARRY POTTER AND THE WITCH WITH AN ITCH

When everyone was having fun
In the holidays, poor lonely Harry
Had to return each time
To the bosom of the family Dursley
As he waited for word from Sirius
He was always at a lose end
All his school pals and teachers were busy
And his owl was his only friend
Hermione was getting a little ginger
Where the Weasley family dwell
Riding Ron like a nimbus
Until he screamed out “bloody hell”
While Neville was with young Ginny
Who grabbed his wand and made him faint
Madam Maxime was spanking Hagrid
And covering his genitals in paint
Professor McGonagall morphed into a cat
And curled up on Dumbledore’s lap
Malfoy wore Madam Pomfreys underwear
And played with his old chap
Seamus played with Cornish pixies
And goblin’s had a different meaning
Pomona Sprout had meat and two veg
As Wood gazed smiling at the ceiling
Unwanted Harry sat alone in his room
Pining for his young love Cho
And was finally forced to seek solace
Where the sad and the lonely go
He sought out the purveyors of sex
Looking for some company
At a place frequented by Filch and Snape
On a street called Ven Ally
But he contracted the vilest irritation
On his most intimate patch
After consorting with a cut price bludger
At a place called the “Golden snatch”
If he had not been so cheap
And not chosen a dirty little witch
He would have had his carnal pleasures
Without catching the dreaded quid itch

DR. NO, NO, NO

In 2008
The next James Bond movie theme
Is to be performed
By Amy Winehouse it would seem
I heard her described
As Shirley Bassey with tattoos
Perhaps more accurately she’s
A tatty Shirley Bassey in my view

PICCADILLY PHILLY

We stood on a busy London street
One bright warm summer day
When a girl in a skimpy top
And very short skirt came our way

The girl was walking towards us
And she caused every head to turn
Men and women, young and old
Mens jaws dropped and women looked stern

She was quite an attractive girl
Not a stunner or a movie star
But not worthy of all the attention
She was just a little above par

The reason soon became apparent
As we noticed when she passed
Her skirt hem was tucked in the waste band
And she was completely bare arsed

ARTISTS WANTED

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Paul Curtis, email me re: Paul's Corner - your emails are being returned to me as not known address. Thanks, NYK

A MOTHERS TALE # 2

I was out shopping with the kids one day
And we stopped for lunch at a burger place
We had just begun to eat our burgers
When a smell papered that I couldn’t trace
It was so bad that I couldn’t eat
I checked the baby and she was clean
"Johnny, have you had an accident?"
"No mum," Johnny replied. “Not me”
The smell got worse and I cursed
As I didn’t bring spare clothes with me
"Are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No mum," Johnny replied.” not me”
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
Because the smell was really smarting
"Are you really SURE you didn't have an accident?"
he leaped up like he was departing
Dropped his pants and spread his cheeks
And said "see mum, I was only farting!!"

A MOTHERS TALE # 1

While in queue at the bank one afternoon
My toddler decided to act the loon
Tired of the queues disapproving glare
I managed to grab firm hold of her
I told her if her bad behaviour did not finish
"Right now" then she would be punished
To my horror to my face for all to see
She loudly began to threaten me
With narrowed eyes and furrowed brow
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma what I saw alright
When you kissed Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
With all the dignity that I could muster
I tried to show no sign of fluster
In deathly silence with all eyes on me
I headed quickly for the door to flee
As I Dragged my daughter though the door
I heard laughter erupt in a hilarious roar

THE PERILS OF ALCOHOL

Excessive alcohol can leave you screwed
Some of the Side effects may include
Nausea, vomiting or dizziness,
Table dancing or erotic lustfulness,
Loss of motor control, loss of money,
Loss of clothing, loss of virginity,
Delusions of grandeur, dehydration,
Headache, dry mouth and incarceration,
Plus a desire to sing Karaoke
And other jiggery pokery
Such as all-night rounds of Strip Poker,
Truth Or Dare, and or Naked Twister

LUNCH TIME IN THE CAFETERIA

At a catholic school at lunch time one day
As The children queued up in an orderly way
The first thing that confronted the pupils
On the end of the counter was a large pile of apples
By the apples a nun had written a note saying
"Take only ONE because God is watching."
as they made their way along the counter
The canteen rang out with childish laughter
Chocolate chip cookies stood in a large pile
With a label which made them all smile
A child had written a note for the pupils,
"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

ROSES ARE RED

Rose’s are red
Violet’s are blue
Daisy’s are white
Lily’s are too

Poppy’s are red
Iris’s are blue
Panzy’s are varied
Petunia’s are too

Ruby’s are red
Saphire’s are blue
Pearls are white
Jazmin’s are too

Marigold’s are orange
Hyacinth’s are blue
Holly’s are scratchy
Heather’s are too

May’s are white
Fern’s are green
Ivy’s are variegated
And very often seen

Busy Lizzie’s
Colours are many
And Honeysuckle
Doesn’t wear any

I LIKE TO EAT BEANS
WITH CHEESE AND FRYE RICE
KAUSE IM A THUG

Cyberdosh Tish Tosh!

Shona Prophett set about,
Living like a pauper,
Shona Prophett, without doubt,
Is gonna come a cropper.

Living on four grand, you'll see,
Is not so easy done,
If Shona goes a spending spree,
She'll blow it all in one!

Has anyone else actually READ what this mad dame is doing? Check it out at http://www.shonaprophett.co.uk
But remember to come back and vote for me at http://www.eddieelwood.co.uk

This lady had a steamboat
the steamboat had a bell,
the lady went to heaven
and the steamboat went to...

hello operator,
and give me number nine!
and if you disconnect me,
I'll cut off your be-

-hind the frigerator,
there was a piece of glass.
and when she sat upon it,
it cut her big fat...

ask (a**)me no more questions,
I'll tell you no more lies...

VIVA ESPANIA

One Sangria, Two Sangria, Three Sangria, Four
Five Bacardi, Six Bacardi, Seven Bacardi, More
Eight Tequila, Nine Tequila, Ten Tequila, Floor

THE TRUTH ASTROLOGERS WOULD’NT TELL YOU ABOUT GEMINI

Gemini’s are quick and intelligent thinkers
They are also known to be heavy drinkers
Liked only because of their sexual persuasion
They bend over backwards on any occasion
Gemini’s never seem to find the time to relax
But do for committing unnatural sexual acts

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MINISTERIAL BUFFET

The Deputy PM, Two jags Prezza
Is an exceedingly portly geezer
Yet all the buzz of Westminster talk
Is not his fondness for pies of pork
It seems he no longer favours pies
But much prefers breasts and thighs
Though not the ones from KFC
But the ones he finds on his secretary

RIDDLE OF THE SANDS - NOT the Erskine Childers version.

Is the sea level rising, is there global warming?
Or is it simply a case that new islands are forming?

"Eureka, Eureka!" Archimedes did yell,
When he suddenly realised he'd something to tell.

The man jumped in a bath, and the water did rise,
But really and truly, was that a surprise?

It is obvious to me, is it obvious to you?
It doesn't take a genius, to see that it's true.

If you shut people in a room without ventilation,
Then temperatures rise, windows drip condensation.

There's less and less space, yet there's heat radiating,
There's less and less air, and no water evaporating.

It's a greenhouse effect, easily resolved,
It's a natural problem, easily solved.

Open the windows, open the door,
Avoid the flood that'll appear on the floor.

Our earth is enclosed by the ozone layer,
And because of a hole, there are many in prayer.

But wouldn't it be feasible, or couldn't it be true,
That the hole in the Ozone may be our only rescue?

Tons of sand and gravel pumped onto the seabeds of Dubai,
May be one more reason we're waving shores goodbye!

============

They're building a brave new world out there! Check out the Palm Islands - Palm Jumeirah, Palm Jebel Ali and Palm Deira, reported as the "self-proclaimed eighth wonder of the world", and then check out 'THE WORLD ISLAND'. Truly amazing, but one HAS to wonder how all this oceanic construction affects the rest of the world when added to the millions of square miles of already 'reclaimed' land. It's some food for thought, at least.

Vote for Eddie Elwood at http://nowyouknow.co.uk

EDDIE'S THEORY OF RELATIVE PROSPERITY

The rate of inflation,
To me, is unstable,
Despite what they say,
Two percent is a fable!
I juggled their figures,
The best I was able,
And then I decided,
To construct my own table.

Relatively speaking,
(I say tongue in cheek),
With a minimum wage,
To take home each week,
The low paid workers,
Should soon hit a peak,
Strength to the workers,
More and more do they seek.

Fancy brand names and holidays,
Hi-tech computers and cars,
Spending minimum wage,
Like some high earning stars,
The highlight's the weekend,
Playing bingo in bars,
No thoughts of the future,
Not even pennies in jars.

I can't be bothered pursuing this rhyme any further, so here are the calculations for anyone out there who is remotely interested.
My suspicion is that minimum wage and the supposed 'low' rates of inflation are just rat traps, brainwashing the less wealthy into believing that things have got better and, if not, you just MIGHT win the lottery. Loss of belief in this pathetic system is 'cured' by a slow conditioning process involving prescribed (or otherwise) addictive medication.
But don't despair... WE MAY ALL BE MILLIONAIRES ALREADY!
The riddle is in figuring out how to keep it for ourselves. Suggestions welcome!

I started my figures from the 1980's, but feel free to estimate from further back (or from more recently) and you'll soon get the picture, bearing in mind that the Government will probably raise the retirement age to 70, cock up another budget and still won't ever be able to tell us where the extra billions went from ever-increasing tobacco taxes and sales of the national gold stock.

Although we live under a Labour Government at the moment, my figures are fairly conservative!

Age 20 - 30 = 10 years @ £30/week rent = £15,600.00
Age 30 - 40 = 10 years @ £50/week rent = £26,000.00
Age 40 - 50 = 10 years @ £70/week rent = £36,400.00
Age 50 - 60 = 10 years @ £90/week rent = £46,800.00
Age 60 - 70 = 10 years @ £110/week rent = £57,200.00

TOTAL SPENT ON RENT ALONE DURING A BASIC WORKING LIFE = £182,000.00

ADD to that everything else that must, BY LAW, be paid during your working lifetime AND the basic cost of food, clothing, utilities and fuel, PLUS rearing kids, college/university fees, cars, holidays, communications and entertainment etc, AND THEN add on the festive/celebratory spending that we are all obliged to do EVERY YEAR ...
My theory is this; as long as the general working (or not, as the case may be) population can be kept content in the belief that they may win the lottery, then the masses will comply without question.

I CHALLENGE YOU TO DENY THAT MY THEORY IS RELATIVE TO PROSPERITY!

Vote for Eddie Elwood at http://www.scottishwriters.co.uk

OH GOODY

My wish is to get my poems published
And not because I want to be paid
And I will just have to persevere
Until I manage to make the grade
I will give up trying however, if I see
A book of verse written by Jade

You got it, mate,
I'm so very sad to say,
But it's only the best,
That can make this pay.

But get yourself a name,
Commit a huge act of crime,
Provoke a public outcry,
You'll sell a book of grime.

RHYME AND PUNISHMENT

I like to write an ode or rhyme
It’s a fun way to pass the time
After many years of composition
I have come to this conclusion
The hardest part of the whole process
And the least enjoyable I must confess
Unless of course you pay a mint
Is to get the bloody stuff in print

RAP TRAP

Wearing baggy pants and baseball cap
Rap Rap Rappers doing Rap Crap
Strutting on stage with tuneless rhyme
Ten a penny boys nickel and dime
Gangster rappers handgun crime
Hip Hop Hoppers new craze grime
Spitting in the mike while they strut about
This aint music there’s no doubt
Beat the drum ring the bell
Hip Hop Flop the musical hell

Never a change same old same
in vein an everyday drain on my
mind frame , I write in flame
and blood to release every piece
 of my inner self but theses are the
cards we are delt one more welt
on the heart , is it smart to take it
all in and keep livein true? , is that
just fake water down stuff or the
 real brew of the person you all
thought you knew

What ever happened to Jordan... another great mystery!

Who are the NYK writers?

Who is J W B Laing?
Who is Derum?
Who is Ronnie PC?
Who is Gill?
Who is Shona Prophett?
Who is Eddie Elwood?
Who is 'the ed'?
Who are Agnes & Senga?

This is the biggest riddle of them all!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaach, a furgoat again!!!!!!

http://www.nowyouknow.co.uk
VOTE FOR AGNES & SENGA

bed,
dead,
fed,
head.


lead,
read,
led,
red

They rhyme dae they no?

Bloody hell, who rattled Eddies cage the nicht!! Why thank you Senga for your kind wurds, never been called that wan afore.

here we go wae ma rhyme.

U've a twin tub washer
and a twin set and purls
U've no goat twins
and U've no goat girls.

Help ma boab! That wiz embarrassin. Still, a first time fur everythin (sizzlin cheeks)

Rhyming Stand-Off

Be it good,
Be it bad,
Be it rude,
Be it sad.


Join online,
Hone your skills,
Write in rhyme,
Of thrills and spills.

Type it out,
Type it here,
Type in doubt,
Type in fear.

Now You Know,
It's here to stay,
Words will flow,
Each and every day.

The very best,
In print will go,
As for the rest,
They're just for show.

VOTE FOR EDDIE ELWOOD AT http://www.nowyouknow.co.uk

Agnes! Yer a fan-dabbie-dozie genius! I wuid ne'er hae thought o' that! Am fair astoundit by yer revelation... Dumbfoonert, even!

http://www.agnesnsenga.co.uk

Well that's easy...ah wid just ask the man who owns the fruit and veg stall, whit wiz in the boxes. Or say, gies us wan apple, 1 orange and wan aipple. Then a wid pit the label on the right boxes. Noo, dinnae tell me um no right!! :-)

Am still bogglin ower Audrey's apples an' oranges, kin onibody help me oot here?

http://www.agnesnsenga.co.uk

WHERE IS BUNNY?

An extra clue from me to you...

After I've done A, B, C and D,
I'll cross the water, for all to see.

You'll soon realise that I'm no fool,
By applying the confusing FAR CASH RULE.

For on 10th September, that's where I'll be,
Watching the big birds fly over me.

http://www.bigbadbunny.co.uk

WHERE IS BUNNY?

Backwards and forwards, this name is the same...

From here, in my ear, I can hear...

The ebb and flow of wet winter weather!

http://www.bigbadbunny.co.uk

Three boxes are labeled apples, oranges, apples and oranges. Each label is incorrect. You may select only one fruit from one box. No feeling aroung or peeking premitted.
How can you label each box correctly? Hint: fruit is not an answer.

Thanks

*
I’ve been throwing some poetry at the internet
And some of it's beginning to stick
Osmosis poetry also known as ……
a four letter word that rhymes with spit

*

Well! I do declare!
Is there someone else in there?
Paul Curtis arrived!

===========

It's amazing what one can do with only seventeen syllables!

===========

Is HAIKU the opposite of LO-BULL?
I've often wondered that;
So I thought I'd ask...

Excuse me, Sir, I cried,
And then asked my question...

But, the teacher in my writing classes,
Peering over his milk-bottle glasses,
Simply shook his head and sighed.

============

http://www.scottishwriters.co.uk
http://www.eddieelwood.co.uk

MR.WHIPPY R.I.P.

An ice cream man has been found dead
Lying on the floor beneath a shelf
Covered with hundreds and thousands
Police say he may have topped himself

WHY WHY WHY?

A girl goes to the doctor in some distress
What’s the problem or do I have to guess?
I keep singing the green, green grass of home
That sounds to me like Tom Jones syndrome
Is it very common to sing the songs of a star?
Well "it's not unusual" to tell the truth Delilah

The Big Bad Bunny is back!

===========================

The springtime is here -
But the rain on the sunshine
should flush you right out!

============================

Bunny boards have been set up at http://www.quicktopic.com/31/H/taamBXGEEbtZi

Return to - http://www.scottishwriters.co.uk
Return to - http://www.eddieelwood.co.uk
Return to - http://www.bigbadbunny.co.uk

The Riddler

Just as I wake to greet the day,
The Riddler comes to have his say,
Before my eyes can even see,
He says, "This my riddle be..."

If without light the day is night,
Why, then, can you see?
Presence of night or absence of light,
What the difference be?

Without the light, you call it dark,
When it's dark, you cannot see,
Your eyes are closed, there is no light,
How, then, can you see me?

In dark of night, with inner light,
The body sleeps through spirit's flight,
When day does break, with rising sun,
Then once again, the two are one.

http://www.scottishwriters.co.uk

I'm the best there is,
I'm the best there'll be,
For there isn't a person,
Who can out-riddle me.

Derum, he tried it,
But failed miserably,
He sulked for months,
Whilst I danced with glee.

Many have challenged,
Many have failed,
The world's best riddler,
Eddie Elwood is hailed.

If you have what it takes,
To pit wits against mine,
I'll take on your challenge,
Be it line after line.

But don't be surprised,
Or shocked to the core,
Because once you are beaten,
I'll still look for more.

I'm the best there is,
I'm the best there can be,
There's never been a riddler,
Who out-riddled me!

Welcome to Eddie Elwood's Riddles & Rhymes section.
ALL posts here must be written in rhyme, regardless of the topic... Even arguments! May the best man (or woman) win! ;)