SMALL BEER

When I first met my lady
All was well with life
But she soon tried to change me
Once she became my wife

She told me I must save money
And my drinking days were over
But she would still go out
Spending a mint on a make over

I complained about giving up beer
While she wasted cash so readily
She said she spent the money
In order to look pretty for me

I said that before I gave it up
That was what the beer was for
Somehow I don’t think she’ll return
By the way she slammed the door

OVER THE HILL

As a young man in the full flower of youth
I had more than my fair share of adventures
Now the best I can manage, to tell the truth
Is staring at the glass that holds me dentures

LITTLE BOY BLUE

A person who blows their own trumpet
Is by nature a soloist
Alternatively the person could always be
A contortionist

WHETHER OR WHEN

Whether plain and frumpy
Or even cross and grumpy
Whether fat or skinny
In a long dress or a mini
Whether sober or tipsy
From New York or Poughkeepsie
On green grass or on clover
Perhaps on a train from Dover
Who, where, how is a way to begin
But what I want to know is when
When is the burning question
That’s affecting my digestion
When will I discover
Who will be my lover?

I WOULD IF I COULD

I would if I could
But I can’t so I shan’t
How good if I should
But I can’t which I grant
If I could I know I would
But I can’t so I shan’t
Oh how good if I should
But I chant I can’t, I can’t

LIFE BEGINS

When my wife was pregnant
I was told I must be there
Smoking cigars with the lads
Was never on the cards I fear
I had never been fascinated
With childbirth I must declare
Waiting for the time for that bag
Of screaming giblets to appear
“I’m not going down the business end
I’ll just hold your hand dear”
But when you’re in the room
The event fills you with cheer
And when my son entered the world
I shed more than a little tear

I FORGET TO EAT

There was a rather vacuous
Skinny girl who irritated me
“Sometimes I forget to eat”
The silly girl said to me
Now I’ve forgotten things
Where I parked the car
My mother's maiden name
Keys for the house and the car
And once even where I lived
But I’ve never forgotten to eat
I’ve been too busy or too tired
But not so stupid I forgot to eat

BE MY VALENTINE # 6

On Valentines Day
The valentine card said to the stamp
Stick with me and we'll go places!
While the farmer gave his wife
Hogs and kisses!
And the caveman gave his wife
Ughs and kisses!
And the Persian gave his wife
Rugs and kisses!

OFFSPRING

A woman knows all about her children
She knows their likes and dislikes,
Who their friends are and who they fancy
There illness’s, ailments and allergies

She knows the dates of all their matches
Drop off and pick up, Home and away
She knows about appointments for hospital
As well as Doctor, optical and dental

She know about their favourite foods
And the things that make them sick
She know what scares them and why
And what makes them laugh and cry

She knows all about their hopes and dreams
And what they may look for in a spouse
While a man on the other hand, is vaguely aware
Of some short people living in the house.

YOU CAN LEARN A LOT FROM TV

Fed up of missing his favourite shows on TV
Young Ben wanted was his own telly
“Could I have a telly in my room dad”?
Reluctantly Dad said yes to the lad
Ben stayed in his room the first night
Next morning he gave his parents a fright
He asked his them “what is love juice?”
His mother left making some feeble excuse
Leaving his Dad to explain the basics
Of sexual intercourse and its mechanics
The boy sat in open mouthed amazement
Dad asked him after his embarrassment
“Exactly what program did you have on?”
The boy replied "I was watching Wimbledon"

DEMENTIA

I think my grandparents
Are suffering from dementia
Because granddad asked my gran
As they sat together on the sofa
“Whatever happened
To our sexual relations dear?”
And the answer she gave
Is what gave me cause to fear
“I don’t know, we didn’t even get
A Christmas card from them this year”

WOKINGS WOES

After a dismal start to the season
Woking are slowest out the blocks
With two points from seven games
The crowd are angry to their socks
They have singled out a scapegoat
A target for their jeers and mocks
and they call the new striker “jigsaw”
Because he goes to pieces in the box

HIS PERFECT WOMAN

According to my brother
When chosing one over another
The perfect woman will be
Quite easy to find really
His perfect woman indeed
Would only actually need
To make his life complete
Two tits and a heartbeat

SAY IT AINT SO

“What is the chemical formula for water?”
The science teacher said to young Joe
Joe confidently stood up and replied
H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O,
“That’s not even close” the teacher shouted
Joe said “Last week you said it was H to O”

CONSTITUTIONAL

Old Joe shuffled his way
Along the promenade one day
He decided it was time to stop
As he passed an ice cream shop
He moved slowly and painfully
And climbed on a stool carefully
After catching his breath a bit
Old Joe ordered a banana split
"Crushed nuts?" asked the waitress
"No," he replied, "just arthritis."

HARRY, LARRY AND BARRY

Three old friends walking from
The old folks retirement home
"Windy, isn't it?" said Harry
"No, it's Thursday!" said Larry
Then Barry said with a cheer
"So am I let's get a beer"

AGES OF MAN

You were once a good boy
Mummy’s pride and joy
Then you grew into a nice kid
Because of the things you did
Then you progressed to be a great guy
It just happened you don’t know why
Then you arrived and were a fine man
Just in time for your retirement plan
And if only that was the end of it
But no you grew into an old git

FURTHER BLONDES

One night
Bimbette asked her friend
"Which do you think is farther
Florida or the moon?"
Peaches replied
"Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?"

HAIR CARE FOR MEN

The great thing about being a man
Is you can have the same hairstyle for years
And waking in the morning with a mustache
Doesn’t make you burst into tears
But perhaps the best thing of all
You only have to shave your facial hairs

OUT LIKE A LIGHT

I can remember like yesterday
So fearful of the dark night
My boy wouldn’t sleep a wink
Without the comfort of a light
Now he’s a teenage boy
He’s fearless and stays out all night

THE PERFECT GIFT

If as a man you feel in life
You don’t provide your wife
With enough frustration to suit her
Then purchase her a home computer

MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS

Money can't buy happiness
That is almost definitely so
But it’s more comfortable to cry
In a mansion than a bungalow

SENIOR JOINTS

If after the age of sixty years
I think this is safely said
And you don't wake up aching in every joint
You are almost certainly dead

DASH IT ALL

They called it the dash
Way back in the day
A short word for a short race
Dash was the right word to say
Now they call it the sprint
Like its something elite
It’s still just a short race
That’s been hijacked by the Effete


USE AS DIRECTED

If you should confuse your valium
With your birth control pills, beware
You’ll end up with sixteen kids
But I don’t suppose you’ll care

SENIOR HIGH

I haven’t felt myself lately
The symptoms seldom vary
Lethargy, listlessness and apathy
And if I stand up quick, I go dizzy
My son said as a matter of fact
He has to smoke two joints to feel like that

LOVE IS CONTAGIOUS

Love is like a bad winter cold
It strikes at the young and the old
It’s not something for which they can inoculate
There is no cure for those who participate
So even if you feel like you have the flu
Love is just something you must go through

LONG LIFE

 “What is the secret of your longevity?”
They asked the world’s oldest human being
He replied “a good diet and exercise,
But most of all you must keep breathing”

NATURAL JUSTICE

Natural justice for those deserving
Needs applying
So the man who invented Fucking
Needs decorating
And the man who invented decorating
Needs fucking

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (3)

My dad told me
“Susan’s going to the west of India”
So I said “Goa?”
“Well that’s what they say about her”

WORKING LATES AND EARLIES

Why is it that the boss
Is in the office bright and early
Only on those particular days
When the rest of us are tardy
 But is noticeably late
On the days that we are early

VALENTINE QUESTION

Roses are red, violets are blue
Do I have to buy flowers for you
Violets are blue, Roses are red
Ok I understand if I don’t I’m dead

INCONSEQUENTIAL?

Maybe to the world at large
You are just one person
Small, inconsequential
But if you think that you’re wrong

The truth I want to tell you
On a banner boldly unfurled
To this one lucky person
You are the entire world

THE MARITAL PROCESS

I think that marriage
Is not as the bible may suggest
For adults to produce children
Through marital congress
But rather the opposite is true
If I might hazard my guess
It is for children to produce adults
At the end of the marital process
SPREADAGE
There is a natural law of perversity
You cannot no matter the necessity
Determine in anyway successfully
Beforehand or ahead
Which side of the bread
To be buttered or spread
HAPPY BIRTHDAY’S

Another birthday has arrived
Happy birthday we all shout
The cake is a mass of candles
A milestone year without doubt
Just be sure you wish for strength
To blow all the candles out

BACHELOR BOY

A bachelor is so defined
As a man who doesn’t marry
When he is perfectly able
And as a result bachelorhood
They miss the perfect opportunity
To make a woman’s life miserable

WOW FACTOR

When looking for a partner
Be a little smart
And pay attention to this wisdom
I wish to impart
Good looks will catch their eye
Which is a good start
But it takes a good personality
To catch their heart

HONEYMOON ADVICE

On your wedding night
And you are nervous
And full of trepidations
Don’t sit up all night
Awaiting the arrival
Of your sexual relations

WHAT ARE THEY SAYING?

I’ve always been paranoid
That I will admit
And for many years
I’ve been getting help with it
Now to a life of deafness
I have been condemned
And I know people talk about me
But now I can’t hear them

SUCCESSFUL

A successful man is one who makes
More money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can
Find such a husband to apprehend

THE PARADOX OF MARRIAGE

When a woman decides
To play the marriage game
She expects her spouse to change
But alas he stays the same
When a man decides
To play the marriage game
His spouse in fact changes
When he expects her to stay the same

TECHNICAL TIP

This is a technical tip so listen to it
Absorb it and assimilate it
If it’s wet you may dry it
If it's dirty you may clean it,
If it squeaks you may oil it,.
But if it works: don’t fiddle with it!

ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL

One in five bad accidents
Are caused it seems
By drivers who drift off
To the land of dreams
But drivers who fall
Asleep at the wheel
Are the lesser evil
I’m inclined to feel
Because the simple fact
That makes me quake
Is that four out of five
Are wide awake

CLUNK CLICK

Clunk click every trip
Is the advice of the boffins
Because your seat belt is never
As confining as your coffin

CHOCO MAN

I have had my fill of men
Who are second rate
If only they were as satisfying
As a bar of chocolate

BI THE WAY

Just remember when on the prowl
For liaisons casual
Your chances are immediately doubled
If you are bisexual

OLD BUZZARD

I have come to the conclusion
Which is quite worrying
That although my sex life isn’t dead
The buzzards are definitely circling

GET YOUR DANDER UP

When some one annoys you
And you want to have a go
When your hackles go up
Firstly count to ten or so

But if they get under your skin
And you want to let rip
And you feel your temples throb
Firstly just bite your lip

But if all else has failed
And you do lose your temper
Keep your words soft and sweet
In case you have to eat them later

FUN GUY OR FUNGI

In my long life
I have found this to be true
Ex husbands are like thrush
They keep coming back to you

GO SOUTH

Now I’m getting on
The time has come
As winter approaches
To head towards the sun

To head south for the winter
Like the ducks before me
But it’s with regret I have to say
Some of me is headed there already

NOT BEING PREVIOUS

For those who don’t believe
In sex before marriage
Those who want the horse
Before the carriage
I should point out
It isn't premarital sex per se”
If there is no intention
Of having a wedding day

ONE GOOD TURN

One good turn deserves another
I think that’s what they say
But I’ve learned that one good turn
Gets most of the duvet

SEX TOY

In this modern age
It is certainly possible
For you to increase
Sexual arousal
With the use of mechanical devices
In particular
They work on women
One of these is a sports car

SEX WITHOUT LOVE

Sex without love
Is a meaningless experience you know
I think you’ll agree
But as meaningless experiences go
Sex without love
Is pretty bloody marvelous though

SEX IS

Sex is the most natural
Sex is the most wonderful
Sex is the most wholesome
Sex is the most awesome
Sex is the most special
Sex is the most beautiful
That money can buy
For any girl or guy

SEX TOY UPGRADE

In this modern age
It is certainly possible
For you to increase
Sexual arousal
With the use of mechanical devices
In particular
They work on women
One of these is a sports car
However these devices
Don’t always work on a man
If he is inclined
To spend all the time he can
Tinkering with the cars parts
Rather than the woman

BEWARE THE IDES….

Ceasar and Brutus were talking one day
About the phones with the most cachet
They discussed the best deals of the day
Then friend Brutus thought to say
“What network are you with by the way?”
Ceasar promply replied “O2 Brute”

THE LITTLE CHILDREN SAY

The little children say
All cute and sweet
On all hallows eve
“Trick or treat”

The little pleading faces
Look up with innocence
Wide eyed angels
Full of malevolence

A cute kid you can trust
I haven’t met yet
And what they really mean
Is tricks and threats

CHRISTMAS HERALD

The Christmas lights are up
The shops play Christmas tunes
The Santa’s are out in force
In their red and white platoons
Christmas goodies are on display
The best selections ever seen
Which sends the message out
That it’s nearly Halloween

DRINK TO MY HEALTH

I was out for a walk
Just round and about
When I saw in a doorway
An old down and out
Drinking brake fluid
From an old tin cup
I stood for a moment
And watched him sup
“If that stuff kills you
That would be a crime”
“Don’t worry” said he
“I can stop anytime”