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| Paul Curtis
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147
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11-06-2009 05:53 AM ET (US)
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WOKINGS WOES
After a dismal start to the season
Woking are slowest out the blocks
With two points from seven games
The crowd are angry to their socks
They have singled out a scapegoat
A target for their jeers and mocks
and they call the new striker “jigsaw”
Because he goes to pieces in the box
HIS PERFECT WOMAN
According to my brother
When chosing one over another
The perfect woman will be
Quite easy to find really
His perfect woman indeed
Would only actually need
To make his life complete
Two tits and a heartbeat
SAY IT AINT SO
“What is the chemical formula for water?”
The science teacher said to young Joe
Joe confidently stood up and replied
H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O,
“That’s not even close” the teacher shouted
Joe said “Last week you said it was H to O”
CONSTITUTIONAL
Old Joe shuffled his way
Along the promenade one day
He decided it was time to stop
As he passed an ice cream shop
He moved slowly and painfully
And climbed on a stool carefully
After catching his breath a bit
Old Joe ordered a banana split
"Crushed nuts?" asked the waitress
"No," he replied, "just arthritis."
HARRY, LARRY AND BARRY
Three old friends walking from
The old folks retirement home
"Windy, isn't it?" said Harry
"No, it's Thursday!" said Larry
Then Barry said with a cheer
"So am I let's get a beer"
AGES OF MAN
You were once a good boy
Mummy’s pride and joy
Then you grew into a nice kid
Because of the things you did
Then you progressed to be a great guy
It just happened you don’t know why
Then you arrived and were a fine man
Just in time for your retirement plan
And if only that was the end of it
But no you grew into an old git
FURTHER BLONDES
One night
Bimbette asked her friend
"Which do you think is farther
Florida or the moon?"
Peaches replied
"Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?"
HAIR CARE FOR MEN
The great thing about being a man
Is you can have the same hairstyle for years
And waking in the morning with a mustache
Doesn’t make you burst into tears
But perhaps the best thing of all
You only have to shave your facial hairs
OUT LIKE A LIGHT
I can remember like yesterday
So fearful of the dark night
My boy wouldn’t sleep a wink
Without the comfort of a light
Now he’s a teenage boy
He’s fearless and stays out all night
THE PERFECT GIFT
If as a man you feel in life
You don’t provide your wife
With enough frustration to suit her
Then purchase her a home computer
MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS
Money can't buy happiness
That is almost definitely so
But it’s more comfortable to cry
In a mansion than a bungalow
SENIOR JOINTS
If after the age of sixty years
I think this is safely said
And you don't wake up aching in every joint
You are almost certainly dead
DASH IT ALL
They called it the dash
Way back in the day
A short word for a short race
Dash was the right word to say
Now they call it the sprint
Like its something elite
It’s still just a short race
That’s been hijacked by the Effete
USE AS DIRECTED
If you should confuse your valium
With your birth control pills, beware
You’ll end up with sixteen kids
But I don’t suppose you’ll care
SENIOR HIGH
I haven’t felt myself lately
The symptoms seldom vary
Lethargy, listlessness and apathy
And if I stand up quick, I go dizzy
My son said as a matter of fact
He has to smoke two joints to feel like that | | |
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| Paul Curtis
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146
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11-06-2009 05:53 AM ET (US)
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LOVE IS CONTAGIOUS
Love is like a bad winter cold
It strikes at the young and the old
It’s not something for which they can inoculate
There is no cure for those who participate
So even if you feel like you have the flu
Love is just something you must go through
LONG LIFE
“What is the secret of your longevity?”
They asked the world’s oldest human being
He replied “a good diet and exercise,
But most of all you must keep breathing”
NATURAL JUSTICE
Natural justice for those deserving
Needs applying
So the man who invented Fucking
Needs decorating
And the man who invented decorating
Needs fucking
A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (3)
My dad told me
“Susan’s going to the west of India”
So I said “Goa?”
“Well that’s what they say about her”
WORKING LATES AND EARLIES
Why is it that the boss
Is in the office bright and early
Only on those particular days
When the rest of us are tardy
But is noticeably late
On the days that we are early
VALENTINE QUESTION
Roses are red, violets are blue
Do I have to buy flowers for you
Violets are blue, Roses are red
Ok I understand if I don’t I’m dead
INCONSEQUENTIAL?
Maybe to the world at large
You are just one person
Small, inconsequential
But if you think that you’re wrong
The truth I want to tell you
On a banner boldly unfurled
To this one lucky person
You are the entire world
THE MARITAL PROCESS
I think that marriage
Is not as the bible may suggest
For adults to produce children
Through marital congress
But rather the opposite is true
If I might hazard my guess
It is for children to produce adults
At the end of the marital process
SPREADAGE
There is a natural law of perversity
You cannot no matter the necessity
Determine in anyway successfully
Beforehand or ahead
Which side of the bread
To be buttered or spread
HAPPY BIRTHDAY’S
Another birthday has arrived
Happy birthday we all shout
The cake is a mass of candles
A milestone year without doubt
Just be sure you wish for strength
To blow all the candles out
BACHELOR BOY
A bachelor is so defined
As a man who doesn’t marry
When he is perfectly able
And as a result bachelorhood
They miss the perfect opportunity
To make a woman’s life miserable
WOW FACTOR
When looking for a partner
Be a little smart
And pay attention to this wisdom
I wish to impart
Good looks will catch their eye
Which is a good start
But it takes a good personality
To catch their heart
HONEYMOON ADVICE
On your wedding night
And you are nervous
And full of trepidations
Don’t sit up all night
Awaiting the arrival
Of your sexual relations
WHAT ARE THEY SAYING?
I’ve always been paranoid
That I will admit
And for many years
I’ve been getting help with it
Now to a life of deafness
I have been condemned
And I know people talk about me
But now I can’t hear them
SUCCESSFUL
A successful man is one who makes
More money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can
Find such a husband to apprehend
THE PARADOX OF MARRIAGE
When a woman decides
To play the marriage game
She expects her spouse to change
But alas he stays the same
When a man decides
To play the marriage game
His spouse in fact changes
When he expects her to stay the same
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| Paul Curtis
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145
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11-06-2009 05:46 AM ET (US)
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TECHNICAL TIP
This is a technical tip so listen to it
Absorb it and assimilate it
If it’s wet you may dry it
If it's dirty you may clean it,
If it squeaks you may oil it,.
But if it works: don’t fiddle with it!
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| Paul Curtis
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144
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11-02-2009 07:49 AM ET (US)
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ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL
One in five bad accidents
Are caused it seems
By drivers who drift off
To the land of dreams
But drivers who fall
Asleep at the wheel
Are the lesser evil
I’m inclined to feel
Because the simple fact
That makes me quake
Is that four out of five
Are wide awake
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| Paul Curtis
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143
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11-02-2009 07:48 AM ET (US)
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CLUNK CLICK
Clunk click every trip
Is the advice of the boffins
Because your seat belt is never
As confining as your coffin
CHOCO MAN
I have had my fill of men
Who are second rate
If only they were as satisfying
As a bar of chocolate
BI THE WAY
Just remember when on the prowl
For liaisons casual
Your chances are immediately doubled
If you are bisexual
OLD BUZZARD
I have come to the conclusion
Which is quite worrying
That although my sex life isn’t dead
The buzzards are definitely circling
GET YOUR DANDER UP
When some one annoys you
And you want to have a go
When your hackles go up
Firstly count to ten or so
But if they get under your skin
And you want to let rip
And you feel your temples throb
Firstly just bite your lip
But if all else has failed
And you do lose your temper
Keep your words soft and sweet
In case you have to eat them later
FUN GUY OR FUNGI
In my long life
I have found this to be true
Ex husbands are like thrush
They keep coming back to you
GO SOUTH
Now I’m getting on
The time has come
As winter approaches
To head towards the sun
To head south for the winter
Like the ducks before me
But it’s with regret I have to say
Some of me is headed there already
NOT BEING PREVIOUS
For those who don’t believe
In sex before marriage
Those who want the horse
Before the carriage
I should point out
It isn't premarital sex per se”
If there is no intention
Of having a wedding day
ONE GOOD TURN
One good turn deserves another
I think that’s what they say
But I’ve learned that one good turn
Gets most of the duvet
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| Paul Curtis
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142
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11-02-2009 07:47 AM ET (US)
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SEX TOY
In this modern age
It is certainly possible
For you to increase
Sexual arousal
With the use of mechanical devices
In particular
They work on women
One of these is a sports car
SEX WITHOUT LOVE
Sex without love
Is a meaningless experience you know
I think you’ll agree
But as meaningless experiences go
Sex without love
Is pretty bloody marvelous though
SEX IS
Sex is the most natural
Sex is the most wonderful
Sex is the most wholesome
Sex is the most awesome
Sex is the most special
Sex is the most beautiful
That money can buy
For any girl or guy
SEX TOY UPGRADE
In this modern age
It is certainly possible
For you to increase
Sexual arousal
With the use of mechanical devices
In particular
They work on women
One of these is a sports car
However these devices
Don’t always work on a man
If he is inclined
To spend all the time he can
Tinkering with the cars parts
Rather than the woman
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| Paul Curtis
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141
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10-30-2009 09:08 AM ET (US)
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BEWARE THE IDES….
Ceasar and Brutus were talking one day
About the phones with the most cachet
They discussed the best deals of the day
Then friend Brutus thought to say
“What network are you with by the way?”
Ceasar promply replied “O2 Brute”
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| Paul Curtis
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140
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10-30-2009 09:08 AM ET (US)
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THE LITTLE CHILDREN SAY
The little children say
All cute and sweet
On all hallows eve
“Trick or treat”
The little pleading faces
Look up with innocence
Wide eyed angels
Full of malevolence
A cute kid you can trust
I haven’t met yet
And what they really mean
Is tricks and threats
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| Paul Curtis
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139
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10-30-2009 09:07 AM ET (US)
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CHRISTMAS HERALD
The Christmas lights are up
The shops play Christmas tunes
The Santa’s are out in force
In their red and white platoons
Christmas goodies are on display
The best selections ever seen
Which sends the message out
That it’s nearly Halloween
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| Paul Curtis
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138
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10-28-2009 08:55 AM ET (US)
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DRINK TO MY HEALTH
I was out for a walk
Just round and about
When I saw in a doorway
An old down and out
Drinking brake fluid
From an old tin cup
I stood for a moment
And watched him sup
“If that stuff kills you
That would be a crime”
“Don’t worry” said he
“I can stop anytime”
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| Paul Curtis
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137
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10-28-2009 08:54 AM ET (US)
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OLD MAN IN THE MIRROR
If when you look in the mirror
And you see NO beer belly
NO complexion like cracked leather
NO bald head or nose like a strawberry
If when you look in the mirror
And it doesn’t look like you have three arses
Or have varicose veins on your lily white legs
Then you need to wear glasses
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| Paul Curtis
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136
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10-28-2009 08:53 AM ET (US)
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CAT BOY
My son is like a cat
There’s no doubt of that
All day long he sleeps
While the daylight seeps
Then with a few cat licks
He hits the pavement bricks
And stays out all night
Returning at first light
To where he resides
And when he slinks inside
Without a single word
He brings with him a tatty bird
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| Paul Curtis
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135
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10-19-2009 08:38 AM ET (US)
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WOW GRAN
A teenage boy walks in the room
And asks his granny
"Have you seen my pills?
They were labeled LSD"
She looks at him and smiles
"Fuck the pills” Says she
“What about the dragon
Sat on the settee"
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| Paul Curtis
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134
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10-19-2009 08:34 AM ET (US)
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BODY IMAGE
I am not perfect
My figure is not the best
Some bits I really hate
But I do quite like my breasts
I have flabby thighs,
Which I would happily condemn
But fortunately my stomach
Obscures the view of them
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| Paul Curtis
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133
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10-19-2009 08:34 AM ET (US)
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YOU MUFFIN
When young women
Dress with midriff exposed
It can look attractive
To the suitably disposed
But for those more ampler
Flesh spills over the top
Of tight waist bands
To look like muffin tops
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| Paul Curtis
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132
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10-16-2009 11:11 AM ET (US)
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BLACKBERRY CAT
You had to go out on such a filthy day
Even though you have a litter tray
I suppose out side there is fun to be had
And you’re still active so I should be glad
But why is it that you deign to re-enter?
Taking a path right across the centre
With half the garden on your paws
Only after I’ve washed all the floors
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