KISS OF LIFE

The greatest gift you can bestow,
The most wonderful that I know
Is when you attend to me down below
And instantly make me swell and grow
Performing on me seductively slow
Oh what ecstasy when you blow
Until my sweet culmination apropos
With your divinely erotic fellatio

NOSTALGIA, THOSE WERE THE DAYS

We all think that when we were young
The sun shone for 23 hours a day
Not altogether true
But it seems that way in hindsight
But things always look better looking back
They were more innocent times
More naïve times
There were things that were not said
Or not discussed in mixed company
Now anything goes
For example we didn’t have to endure
Endless TV ads for sanitary products and pantie liners
Thrush medicine or haemorrhoid cream
Or women discussing their bladder weakness or blocked bowels
Way back then we only had the three TV channels,
Which was enough
And the network shut down at 10.30
So we knew when to go to bed
And there was no such thing as daytime telly
The soap of the day was “Coronation Street“
And from America “Peyton Place”
For the kids “Noggin the Nog”
“Mr. Pastry” or the “Wombles”
“Captain Pugwash” with seaman Stanes
And Roger the cabin boy
Comedy like “Sykes”, “The Good Life”
And “Morecambe and Wise”
Sid and Hattie in the “Carry Ons
Grass hopper in “Kung Fu”
“Land of the giants”, “Blake’s Seven” and “Dr Who”
You could still watch sport on terrestrial
With “Grandstand” on the Beeb
And on ITV, Dickie Davis with “World of sport”
Now we have hundreds of channels
Showing the same programs we used to watch on three channels
In the music world the “Rolling Stones”
Were closer to puberty than senility
Music came on vinyl though we just called them records
The first record I bought was “Good news week”
By Hedgehoppers Anonymous
You could buy LP’s, singles and audio cassettes
Even 8 track though not very long lived
Petrol was only five bob a gallon
While beer was just 10p a pint
Penny chews and sweets in a jar
Oh for the time when you could still get
Treats, opal fruits and spangles
Back then gay still meant happy
And everyone wore a ticka ticka Timex on their wrist,
That you had to wind up.
It was a time when we all wanted to be in love
Like Celia Johnson and Trevor Howard in “Brief Encounter”
And we didn’t think it was corny when Bette said
“Gerry lets not ask for the moon we already have the stars”
It was a time when we all wanted to be suave and debonair
Just like Fred Astaire
And dance with panache and savoir fare
Its not that I’m a cup half empty kind of guy
But things do look better looking back
At a time before political correctness was invented
And you could laugh at a joke and not worry
That someone you have never met and probably will never meet
Might be offended by it
Or more likely upset someone who got offended on their behalf
Take me back to simpler times

SNOW WHITE AND THE EIGHT DWARFS

Snow Whites wicked step mother
Was the Queen and a bit of a vamp
And often known to use her allure
On the men at the soldiers camp

She was jealous of Snow White
With her youth and innocent beauty
Feeling she might distract
The soldiers from doing their duty

So she had the woodsman take her
To the great forest and with his axe
The Queen had instructed him
To give her several whacks

But he could not kill the beautiful girl
So he told her to run and hide
And never return to the castle
It was in the forest she must abide

So she ran deep into the woods
And just as she was feeling tired
She came upon a little cottage
Which she very much admired

So she knocked on the little door
And a pompous dwarf opened it
“I’m looking for somewhere to stay
Could I stay with you for a bit?”

Prof said, she could stay for one night
Providing she helped with the chores
But she could stay for as long as she liked
In exchange for her sexual favours

Snow White thought for a moment
About the Profs indecent proposal
She decided that it suited her very well
As she did like a little cock after all

So they all had a go on Snow White
Prof was first then Blusher and Misery
They woke up Narcolepsy for his turn
Then Allergy, Cheerful and Divvy

She was a little disappointed with the sex
Not coming always made her grumpy
But then the eighth dwarf turned up
And this ones name was stumpy

SIR LANCELOT A’BOILS

Sir Lancelot A’Boils
On the battle field
Gave great service to his King
And never thought to yield

Sir Lancelot A’Boils
At the court of his King
Gave great service to his Queen
And Arthur didn’t do a thing

Sir Lancelot A’Boils
At the court unseen
Gave great service to his King
As King Arthur was a queen

Sir Lancelot A’Boils
Camelot’s love machine
Gave great service to the court
To peasant and King and all in between

Sir Lancelot A’Boils
Did eventually exceed
Having given a lifetime of service
He died when he tried to shag his steed

21st CENTURY SAUCY NURSERY RHYMES # 001

Ride a cock horse to old Kings Cross
To find a lady of the night of course
With tattoos on their hips and a stud thru the nose
And a couple of quid buys you a couple of ho’s

21st CENTURY SAUCY NURSERY RHYMES # 002

Ride a cock horse to old Kings Cross
To find a lady of the night of course
Who gets down on her knees and gives the best blows
And you can come in her mouth till it comes out her nose

21st CENTURY SAUCY NURSERY RHYMES # 003

Mary was a little flirt
With big seductive eyes
And many a lucky lad
Had been between her thighs

NICE ONE HENRY # 2

FIFA are on a mission
Disrespect for refs they want to defeat
An admirable ambition indeed
But first they need to stamp out cheats
Its spread from normal quarters
To Thierry Henry who to his ignominy
handled the ball to keep it in play
A offence done quite deliberately
Which was compounded by his lie
That it happened accidentally

BALDY LOCKS AND THE THREE HAIRS

Baldy locks may be very rich
He may even be a millionaire
But Baldy locks is unpleasant
And he will never share
Don’t ever approach him
If you don’t want to hear him swear
If you fall beneath his gaze
You must say a little prayer
Don’t venture to close
Never stray into his lair
Don’t try to converse with him
You won’t elicit any cares
The only things he cares about
Are his three remaining hairs

ALL THE NICE GIRLS LOVE A SAILOR

When the navy is in town
There is mayhem all around
As the sex starved from the fleet
Wreak havoc in the streets
Chanting amidst the noise
Get your tits out for the boys
In search of feminine company
After several months at sea
Pleasing them is easy
These horny men of the sea
They don’t want to see your thighs
Or to look into your big brown eyes
The only thing that will satisfy
Is getting your tits out for the guys
They don’t want to see you pout
Just get your top off and get them out
You can do a dance of lust
If you really think you must
You can even bump and grind
They don’t really mind
You can make a really sexy noise
As you get your tits out for the boys
This is not the best way to be
If you really want some company
Oh these enlightened men of the sea
All end the night skint and lonely

BRITISH AIRWAYS AND THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

On the first day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
An apology from Willie

On the second day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the third day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the fourth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the fifth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the sixth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the seventh day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the eighth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the ninth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the tenth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Ten more cancellation
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the eleventh day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Eleven false alarms
Ten more cancellation
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the twelfth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Twelve days of hell
Eleven false alarms
Ten more cancellation
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

Edited by author 17-12-2009 15:11
WE’LL ALL BE KILLED

They tell us we are in the grip of another
Catastrophic climate crisis
That will drown the world
By melting the polar ices
Well if you are unconvinced
That the sword of doom is falling
Then you know the argument is weak
When data is replaced by name calling
Anyone not on message
Gordon Brown tells us in his piety
That we are no better
That the flat earth society
Well is it any wonder we are sceptics
When in the eighties we were told
By the doom Sayers
We would all die because of the hole
In the ozone layer
If we did not act we would kill
The polar bears and the Pandas
Well to be frank someone sold a lot of fridges
On the back of that propaganda

BRITISH AIRWAYS AND THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

On the first day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
An apology from Willie

On the second day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the third day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the fourth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the fifth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the sixth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the seventh day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the eighth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the ninth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the tenth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Ten more cancellation
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the eleventh day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Twelve days of hell
Eleven false alarms
Ten more cancellation
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the twelfth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Eleven false alarms
Ten more cancellation
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

WHAT A LOAD OF BANKERS

Bonuses are a reward for a job well done
In short they have to be earned
But you gave yourselves bonuses
While you were fucking up the world
You even gave yourselves bonuses
When we all knew you’d fucked up the world
And you gave yourselves bonuses
While we bailed you out from your fuck ups
And now you are rewarding yourselves again
But not for a job well done
Now you’re giving yourselves bonuses
Simply for not fucking up

ON THE EVE

A hearty Christmas greeting
Merry Christmas to one and all
Tonight excitement fills the air
The night Santa comes to call
With gifts galore for everyone
To be piled high beneath the tree
Christmas Eve anticipation never fails
To fills our hearts with glee

CHRISTMAS PASSED

I miss my dad, I miss my mum
And my brother now he’s gone
But though we are forever apart
They live on still in my heart
Through every special memory
Of the time they shared with me
So although they have gone away
They will be with me on Christmas day

I COULD BE YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE

I could be your Christmas tree,
Strung with tinsel and lit, brightly
You can trim me with ribbons and bows
Baubles and bells anything goes
I shall be greeted with gasps and wows
And you can hide gifts beneath my boughs
You wont regret it if you buy me
So let me be your Christmas tree