TITTER YE NOT AMY

The pop diva Amy Winehouse
It was announced in the press today
Is to buy Frankie Howard’s old house
After she’s been to rehab for a short stay
She was told she had to go to rehab
Though she said nay, nay and thrice nay

A NOTIONAL MOTION

Toast always lands butter side down
It’s a rule of locomotion
And a cat always lands on its feet
Now here is a curious notion
If you tie the toast to the cat
Would that result in perpetual motion?

I COULD NOT WEEP FOR HIM

I could not weep
When he was diagnosed
And I feared the worst
Or when the false smile appeared
And he feared it too
And put on a brave face

I could not weep
As I sat at his side
His hand once as strong as atlas
Now to weak to grip
Weak like a babe
More so

I could not weep
As I watched the frown
Furrowing his weathered face
Grey, expressionless
And as his frown faded,
As the morphine took control

I could not weep
As he lay motionless,
Breath shallow
Silent, almost
But for the occasional groan
Beneath the morphine

I could not weep
At his deathbed
As the monster within
Crept through his organs
Hastening the end
For him and for itself

I could not weep
As his muscles relaxed
And the pain was no more
As he exhaled his last
And his soul passed
When he was at peace

I could not weep
Not because it wasn’t macho
Nor for lack of love
It was perhaps numbness
Or a need to be strong
For family, others

I could not weep
When my father died
When he released his grip on life
And I kissed him goodbye
I felt only relief
That his suffering had ended

I could not weep
Not even at his funeral
When all who loved him gathered
And we shared memories
Even when the curtains drew
I could not weep for him

Fourteen years later
On a cold December morning
I held my first born son
And amidst the tears of joy
I wept for him
As I held his grandson

LIBERALLY HUMEROUS?

Don’t you just love them?
If only for their belief in equality
Or a love of all things PC
And an unswerving moral certainty
It’s a shame that to become a liberal
A sense of humour bypass is necessary

ONE, TWO, THREE, LIFT

Why is it sound engineers?
When there’s a gig to do
And they have to test the system
Say one two, one two, one two
And at the end of the gig
When there’s packing up to do
They don’t have any testing
But they’re nowhere in view
I think sound engineers
Can only count up to two
Because if they counted up to three
There would be heavy lifting to do

THE FOURTH

The fourth of July in the USA
Is that nations independence day
Which they celebrate with a holiday

In England we look across the pond
At a nation of whom we are truly fond
Indeed we feel we have a special bond

From when they won their independence
We’ve watched like anxious parents
And they’ve done quite well since

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RIP OFF BRITAIN

What mugs we all are in the UK
With the amount of tax we have to pay
We’re taxed on what we earn at work
We’re taxed on every little perk
Then when we spend our pay
They take some purchase tax away
Very little is exempt from VAT
It’s even on a cup of tea
Even coffee and juices fruity
If you smoke you pay tobacco duty
Then the unkindest tax of all
Duty on every form of alcohol
If you can afford a new car today
There is an even greater price to pay
With seventeen and a half percent more owed
Then you’re taxed to keep it on the road
And you pay Tax on your fuel at the garage
Then in the city there’s the congestion charge
Then there’s a new tax to be faced
Parking the car at your workplace
You’re taxed for the policeman on the beat
And for the lighting in the street
Then Airport taxes for our holidays
We’re even taxed for what we throw away
If we buy or sell a house today
There’s not one tax but a whole array
We’re even taxed on the money we save
We’re taxed from the cradle to the grave

BEAT THE DRUM TO THE LIBERALS TUNE

The liberal minded
Like a parade
They like to march
They like to engage

Beat the drum
To end the war
They’ll tell you
That’s what freedoms for

Ban the bomb
Free Tibet
No more Trident
End third world debt

March in the city
For gay pride
And every liberal
Is on your side

If you’re so inclined
Join the throng
March in unison
And sing the liberal song

But bang the drum
And blow the horn
For patriotism
And feel their scorn

BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT

Britain’s got talent
Of that there’s no doubt
Britain’s got talent
The secret is finally out

Britain’s got talent
In depth and variety
Britain’s got talent
For every one to see

But apart from talent shows
And the Royal Variety
There is no outlet
For these acts on TV

Where it not for Blackpool
And Lakeside in Frimley
There would be no outlet at all
For our wonderful variety

So Simon Cowell
Master of the TV franchise
Give us more variety on TV
As a feast for our eyes

Britain has got talent
An unseen depth of it
But it doesn’t matter
If we never get to see it

SWEET MYSTERY

For Valentines Day
My husband, so sweet
Bought hand made chocolates
For me as a treat
In a flower covered box
Came the delicious confection
But I am at a loss to answer
A most curious question
How can two pounds of chocs
So delicious on the lips
Manage in just one night
To put 5lbs on my hips

MENOPAUSE FOR THOUGHT

There is a natural order in life
There are rules to be understood
For example bearing children
There is a time limit on motherhood
The term “child bearing years”
Was coined for a very simple reason
So that everything in life
Can have its time and season
A Woman over fifty is ill equipped
To show a baby proper care
As she would put the baby down
And then forget where

THE DEVIL IN THE SKIES

From the dark cloudless skies
Comes the engines droan
Of that unseen and menacing evil
In grim formation flown
Then comes the sirens song
Telling of impending death
As the city looks skyward
Holding a collective breath
Long beams of light
Searched out the evil flock
Criss-crossing the darkness
In every quarter of the clock
Towards the shelters
The civilian’s ant like scurry
As the guns began desperately
Trying to stop the enemy
Fire and death rains down
Upon the weary populace
In macabre equality
The walks of life feel deaths embrace
As buildings fall to the ground
In rubble and dust
Life and history instantly erased
After the bombs combust
Then come the sirens again
Calling out loud, all clear
And from underground
The jaded survivors reappear
To count the cost
Of the night at the gates of hell
Then thanking God
For keeping them safe and well
Gaps on the ravaged skyline
Missing Churches and hostelries
Fire still burns where once stood
Homes and factories
Hoping against hope
That their home survived the night
But despite all this
They never thought to give up the fight

A LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS

The despot Robert Mugabe
The thorn in Africa’s side
Is not what the world envisaged
At the end of the apartheid

What hope then for the continent
When such men prosper
Ruling with a fist of iron
Colder still than the white oppressor

Yet there will always be hope
Even if the good number but a few
When God puts upon the earth
A man like Desmond Tutu

WHO PUT THE GER IN ANGER

Waves of Rangers blue
Relentlessly Attack
Wave upon wave
Push their opponents back

But this valiant effort
This Rangers blue tide
That moved with precision
Pushing opponents aside

Did not happen in the stadium
Nor was a ball at their feet
This game took place
On Manchesters city streets

The Waves of Rangers blue
With alcohol fuelled Fight
Brought to bear upon the police
Their vengeance and their spite

But if during the match
Such passion had been on show
Then the uefa cup
Might have gone to Glasgow

May 14th 2008
The events following the UEFA Cup final at the City of Manchester Stadium

GOOD BYE TOMMY

Good bye Tommy
Celtics gentleman
Respected by professionals
Respected by the fans

Good bye Tommy
Celtic servant and friend
A rock and pillar
Until your early end

Good bye Tommy
High in our esteem
The Celtic angels now
Have a new man on the team

Tommy Burns Died May 15th 2008

THE UNKNOWN SOLDIER

Was it the organisation?
That was to blame
Or profiteering retailers
Perhaps too greedy
Pubs and clubs to liberal?
Uninterested in consequences
A faulty screen was a factor
In the ensuing conflict
But all of the above played a part
So technology caused the spark
And Alcohol fuelled the flames
What began with scuffle and skirmish
Erupted in a volcano of hate
And then the battle commenced
As the angry and the drunk
Rampaged through the city
The police were mobilized
To quell hostilities
But hopelessly out numbered
They had to withdraw
They fell back to regroup
Pursued by packs
Of blue clad animals
In the mêlée
A lone officer, a tail ender
Already wounded by a bottle
Stumbled and fell before his pursuers
They quickly surrounded him
And kicks rained in on him
But amidst this madness, this carnage
A rangers fan, an army man
Hauled the stricken officer to his feet
And dragged him away from the fight
At first stunned the thugs looked on bemused
Then they charged on
Urged on by the soldier
The officer ran muscles burning
But for the soldier propelling him along
The officer would have fallen
Then sanctuary was in sight
A police van sat invitingly
But they must run on
The soldier yelled encouragement
The officer responded
As they reached the police van
The officer was pushed into the back
And a line of yellow coated police
Swarmed onto the attacking rangers phalanx
And in that instant the soldier was gone
Where did he go, the Good Samaritan
Who was he? This savior
The soldier whose humanity
Surpassed his baser instincts
Will we ever know who he was?
Or where he came from
Should we try to find him?
To heap glory on him
Or should we just thank God for him

May 14th 2008
The events following the UEFA Cup final at the City of Manchester Stadium

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I’D DO ANYTHING, REPRISE

Just another in a long line
Of talent shows from hell
Just another TV concept
Ringing out its death knell

But how clever is the Lord
To have the dear old BBC
Foot the bill for the auditions
Out of the TV license fee

Then the members of the public
Who vote as they view
Get to Pay via the phone-ins
For the shows advertising too

MIDDLE AGED SEAT

I’m in my middle years now
And my new car is a wow
It’s fast, new and sporty
Just the opposite of me
It is sleekly lined
With its curves well defined
It has a nice interior
The leather is quite superior
My only complaint would be
The bucket seats you see
As they are made to the design
Of a smaller bucket than mine

MR & MRS ATM
 
No need to park your car
Before withdrawing your money
There is now a drive through ATM
For people in a hurry

Mr ATM drives up to the cash machine
And before putting his card in
Winds down his window
Then types in his PIN
Enters the cash amount required
Retrieves card, receipt and cash
Winds up his window
Then off he can dash

That’s simple enough I think
They’ve made it as easy as they can
The procedure isn’t hard
Though clearly designed for a man
Unfortunately the machines
Are not exclusively for men
And that is the only problem
With a drive through ATM

Mrs ATM drives up to the cash machine
Stops then reverses the car
Then drives forward once more
Because she backed up too far
With the car window now aligned
With that of the ATM
She applies the parking brake
And is ready to begin
She grabs her handbag
And tips out everything
Onto the passenger seat
To find her card holder thing
She tells her best friend
She will call her back later
Then hangs up the phone
And finds her debit card holder
She tries to insert card
Then winds down her window
She tries to insert card
Then leans out through the window
Because of the great distance
Separating the two of them
She opens the car door
So she can reach the ATM
She inserts her card
The machine makes a bleeping sound
She re-inserts her card
The right way round
She rummages in her bag
To find her PIN
And finds her diary
That has the number written in
At last she is ready
And she enters her PIN
Then she press’s cancel
And enters the correct PIN
She enters the cash amount required
Retrieved her cash and receipt
Then checked the state of her hair
When sitting back in her seat
She empties her handbag again
And with her purse located
She places the cash inside
And the debit amount is duly recorded
She checks her makeup in the mirror
Then drives forward about a yard
Before reversing back to cash machine
Where she retrieves her card
She empties her handbag again
And locates the card holder
Then places her card into it
And checks her hair in the mirror
She redials her friend on her mobile
And gives the irate male driver
A really dirty look
For impatiently waiting behind her
She pulls away from the ATM
Stops and restarts the stalled engine
Then drives for five miles
Before finally releasing the hand brake again

I’D DO ANYTHING

“I’d do anything” how apt a title
A motto for the wannabee
A catch phrase for the starstruck
And all those lacking dignity

ODE TO A YOUNG STUDENT

If success you will achieve
Do not ever flatter to deceive
Apply yourself with valiant effort
To gain the important good report
The way side is littered with the failed
Whose non commitment has prevailed
Don’t aim to highly but do your best
Then let your confidence do the rest

CYCLE OF LIFE

God’s great cycle of life’s repeating
Springtime’s annual event occurring
As distant mountain snow is thawing
Fast flowing swollen rivers causing
Dormant Mother Nature awakening
The miracle of new life into breathing
With freshly sprouting shoots arriving
And simple sights the senses pleasing
To see the early cherry blossoming
Perfection as in God’s design believing

BEASTS OF THE AGE

Where once was beauty
Now stand the monsters
Towering tall and lean
Arms stretching outwards

These beasts have spread
Across the land and sea
Like a virulent rash
Reaching out to infinity

The towering beasts
Came here to save us
Cleanly making power
Without dirty green house gas

They stand as sentinels
Unsightly and offensive to the eye
Come to save the world
With their clean power supply

In light offshore breezes
Windmill arms turn slowly
It’s a shame they can’t work
When it gets a bit blowy

MONEY CAN’T BUY EVERYTHING

Money can’t buy happiness
Money can’t buy health
Money can’t buy love
There’s more to life than wealth
Money will buy you a dog
A fine dog without fail
But only with your kindness
Will the dog wag his tail

GIRL WITH A PEARL EARRING
 
With exquisite touch
His brush added lustre
To the pearl
Endowing it with life
As it adorned the virgins ear
The depth of its splendour
Holds the watcher transfixed
With its ivory hue
Contrasting with the maidens flesh
Her milky complexion
Lit from the window
Her half open silent lips
Speaking to the soul
Her simple beauty
Shining from the canvas
How Vermeer the master
Captured that moment in Delft
And how the girl with a pearl earring
Captures everyone who sees her

CAUGHT IN A STORM

The sky blackened
Dark as night
Then comes the flash
Of a Lightning strike
As the storm ensued
Panic struck me
Thunder rattled overhead
I fell upon me knees
I prayed to God
Spare me this day
I prayed to God
To chase the storm away
Then the skies lightened
And silence was all around
A gentle rain fell
As I raised from the ground
Then everywhere about me
Cherry blossoms blew
Like gentle pink snow
And immediately I knew
You had heard my prayer
You had protected me
You where there in every petal
Of that cherry blossom tree

JOURNEY

I have left you now my love
To make my final journey
Don’t break your heart
Don’t grieve for losing me
Remember all the good times
When we were young and free
Speak your prayers aloud
In fond remembrance of me
And when your journey is made
I will be the first one you see

HEAVENLY BODIES

The sun gifts us
With warmth and light
Endowing and sustaining
The green earth with life
Then when day is done
After the setting of the sun
The Moons silvery disk appears
Boldly bright through its phases
And stars are liberally sprinkled
Across the curtain of night
These gifts from God
Make our days complete

LOVES EXQUISITE ACHE

Oh to feel loves exquisite ache
That desperate longing
That naked want
Feeling so alive in the torment
While craving the fix
Of that heady foaming brew
To quench the thirst of desire
And when that significant soul
Who holds my captive heart
Is but a kiss away
I am dragged from sorrows
Unfathomable depths
And bitter anguish evaporates
Like dew in the morning sun
And euphoria fills every pore
And in that perfect ecstasy
That blissful state of love
I remain until I am again alone

IN GOD’S NAME

In God’s name, for centuries
They waged their holy wars
Singing songs to God
As they march in their corps

In God’s name, across the years
From home to foreign shores
Tit for tat acts of religious hate
Are used to settle scores

God’s names, Jehovah, God or Allah
Differ only by rules and law
Although God by any name
Does not encourage acts of war

In God’s name, even to this day
They are prepared to fight and die
And beneath their holy banners
They use God as a battle cry

In God’s name, war is waged
And for every soul who dies
God sits on his throne in heaven
With sadness in his eyes

In God’s name, preach only peace
God is there for all humanity
In Gods name, put down your swords
His gift is love to all who see

THE GINGER PRINCE WENT TO WAR

Harry is the spare, not the heir
So he chose to follow a military career
And the ginger Prince went to war
Amidst muck and bullets, blood and gore
He is a braver man than I by some way
It’s a shame the press gave the game away
Now the prince is coming home again
To the land of his grandmothers reign
For as he bravely faced the Taliban
There were dangers for the princely man
For even under the pale winter sun
He had to wear factor ninety one

GOLDEN YEARS

It was fifty years ago when I first saw her
And I fell for her beauty and her charm
And now in the autumn of our years
I’m still proud to have her on my arm

How long ago it was when we were young
When every minute we were parted
Was full of the agonies and torment
And time alone left us broken hearted

I could have composed wondrous symphonies
And written lofty ballads to her name
I could have written the sweetest love songs
And never expressed what are love became

I would have crossed the wildest seas
And walked on coals to be at her side
I would have slain the fiercest dragon
And fought duals to win her as my bride

I proclaimed my love to her as everlasting
And I told her we would always be together
Through thick and thin, good times and bad
Through calmness and through stormy weather

How my heart soared as the church bells rang
When at the alter she stood and said I do
Now after fifty summers and fifty winters
The love I proclaimed still holds true

IF NOT FOR….

If not for sweet birdsong in tree and bush
How plain the spring seasons headlong rush
If not for the daffodils trumpets of gold
How sad the passage to new from old
If not for your sweet presence by my side
Spring would hold no joy, as sadness would reside

COME WITH ME NOW

At his bedside
The gentle angel stood
Watching as he slept
Listening to his quiet shallow breath
Then the angel softly spoke
And reached out a hand
“Your time has come to see the lord”
“Come with me now”
Then he slept no more
And he left his empty body
Taking the offered hand
The angel smiled and they began to ascend
To a better place and time
Traveling upward through a tunnel
Toward a light becoming ever brighter
Its brightness became almost blinding
Until with the angel he emerged
Into the land of light and love
The angel left him with a smile
With those who had passed before
Familiar faces greeted him
Loved ones from years past
Who showed him round heavens paradise
Where milk and honey flowed
Scenes of unimagined beauty met his eye
And the sweetest perfumes filled the air
Music was everywhere invading every pore
From simple refrains to grand symphonies
Musicians played on instruments of gold
While choirs of angels sang
But the most overpowering feeling
That assailed his senses
Was of everlasting love

ROBIN THE HOODY

Robin the Hood
Robbed from the rich
And gave to the poor
A noble with a noble cause
A lovable rogue, full of charm

Robin the Hoody
Robs from the rich
And also from the poor
The lowest of the low, who snorts
The proceeds up his nose
Or sticks it in his arm

BLUE TO GREY

Where once the sky was blue
Now are only clouds of grey
Where once the golden sun shone
Now darkness fills the day

Where once we walked together
Now I must walk alone
Where once was warmth
Now is cold like stone

Somewhere beyond the clouds
Does blue still fills your sky
And does the golden sunshine
Make you shield your eyes

Do you walk the path alone?
Or is there another at your side
Is your life still full of warmth?
Or does coldness with you abide

One day I hope you will return
To make my grey sky blue
And to warm me with your sunshine
So I can walk loves path with you

DON’T FORGET ME

Don’t forget me, now I’ve gone
But remember me in happy ways
Don’t dwell on all the sadness
Bring to mind those special days

Don’t wipe me from your memory
But don’t grieve now I’ve passed
Remember all the good times
And the joy from good days past

Don’t be lonely now I’ve gone
My life ended yours did not
Find happiness where you can
I’m happy knowing I’m not forgot

Don’t forget to visit my grave
But only do it on a sunny day
Don’t stand at my stone in the rain
Blow me a kiss then walk away

So mark the passing of me well
But don’t shed too many tears
Gather friends and family round
Raise a glass to me with “cheers”

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT

I was drawn to her
Like a moth to a flame
My eyes were drawn to her
Slender frame
Her hypnotic green eyes
Deep and intense like precious emeralds
Held me entranced,
Paralyzed like a serpents prey
Her skin was lustrous
Like a fresh picked peach
And her cheeks glowed
With the faintest hint of red
Her mouth opened
Lips like the petals of an open flower
Were moist as if with morning dew
She spoke, her words soft
And her voice smooth as silk
Mesmerized me like music
I answered her without hearing the words
It was almost dreamlike
My heart beat fast in my chest
As I swam in and out of reality
I felt her hand in mine
And she led me into the garden
Where we strolled together
Through the fragrant twilight of moonbeams
Her scent was heady as the exotic blossom
Of orchids in spring
My heart still pounded
As her mesmeric voice
Like an angels whisper
Led me on through the moonlight
I seemed to float through the evening
Almost disembodied
And in those many magical moments
I surrendered my heart and soul
To the vision named Clarissa

BUT THAT WAS BEFORE LOVE DIED

We walked together in the spring
When our love was a new thing
And the cherry trees were in blossom
And we thought life was awesome
Our hearts were so full we sighed
But that was before love died

In the summer we walked together
In the fine and sunny weather
Through fields of golden corn
When we parted we were forlorn
We felt a burning passion deep inside
But that was before love died

In the autumn we walked abroad
And our hearts were of one accord
We wandered thought the golden gown
And nothing could ever get us down
We felt as one when side by side
But that was before love died

When winters chill fell upon the land
We still walked together hand in hand
We played in the snow like children
Making snow angels again and again
I even asked her to be my bride
But that was before love died

We had walked hand in hand
As a life together we planned
We sat beneath a leafy oak
As of true love we spoke
We loved laughed and cried
But that was before love died

Now I walk alone in the familiar places
Where we enjoyed our fond embraces
Where we kissed and spoke of tomorrow
Places that now bring me only sorrow
Her love made me feel alive inside
But that was before love died

BE MY VALENTINE # 1

On Valentines Day
The valentine card said to the stamp
Stick with me and we'll go places!
While the farmer gave his wife
Hogs and kisses!
And the caveman gave his wife
Ughs and kisses!

BE MY VALENTINE # 2

On Valentines Day
The chocolate syrup said to the ice cream
"I'm sweet on you!"
While the pencil said to the paper
"I dot my i's on you!"
And the light bulb asked his girlfriend
Do I mean a whole watt to you?"

BE MY VALENTINE # 3

On Valentines Day
The bat said to his girlfriend
"You're fun to hang around with."
And the paper clip said to the magnet?
"I find you very attractive."

BE MY VALENTINE # 4

On Valentines Day
The nearsighted porcupine
Fell in love with a pin cushion!
And the elephant said to his girlfriend
 "I love you a ton!"

BE MY VALENTINE # 5

On Valentines Day
One pickle said to the other
"Your love means a great dill"
Even skunks celebrate Valentine's Day
Because they're very scent-imental!

QUIET PLEASE

If you are a City fan
Keep silent if you can
As you stand at Old Trafford
As silence falls in accord
Please don’t speak out
Please don’t scream or shout
Acknowledge the silence
For those who lived once
Don’t think about the “Babes”
Cold and dead in the carnage
If hatred in your heart and head
Stops you honouring United’s dead
Give your silence as a gift
In remembrance of Frank Swift

BLUEBELL GIRL

I am transported back
To a distant place and time
When I was only twelve
The world was changing
And I saw it with new eyes
And I recall her sweet face
When I first saw her in the wood
Gathering wild bluebells
Sun shinning on the golden strands
Of her silken hair
As it danced on her shoulders
The beautiful bluebell girl
Moved about the wood
Then she stopped and noticed me
Deep blue eyes smiling at me
In the innocence of childhood
And she captured my heart
Though twenty years have passed
She keeps it still

OH MOTHER NATURE

Oh mother nature
You both care and nurture
Bursting out in spring,
When the songbirds sing
Bringing daffodils so bright
To fill me with delight,
They shine with ease
Bobbing in the breeze
Dancing as if one
As golden as the sun
Blossom fills the trees
Bright enough to tease
Before the blossom has to go
Like cherry pink snow
And after spring hors d’oeuvres
And starters have been served
You bring us summer fare
With fragrance in the air
Flowers of every shade and hue
From crimson red to violet blue
Then as September wends
And the main course ends
You take no time to rest
Giving the bounty of the harvest

I THANK THE LORD ABOVE

I thank the lord above
As I stand in the quiet of the morn
And when spring lambs are born
For the fields so full of flowers
And the peace of the twilight hours

I thank the lord above
For the blueness of the sky
And for a new born babies cry
For the smell of summer rainfall
And the joy of a songbirds call

I thank the lord above
When winters shroud is on the land
And when I take my beloved’s hand
When my lovers face is all aglow
And when we make angels in the snow

I thank the lord above
As I stand at the alter with my bride
And when I look at her with pride
When I stand together with my wife
I thank the lord for my life

A QUESTION OF HEALTH

If you stopped taking exercise
When you got your first TV remote
And you haven’t eaten lettuce
Since Maggie Thatcher got the vote
If you haven’t seen your feet
Since you were at primary school
And you think that a microwave
Is actually a power tool
If you think that alcohol
Is itself a food group
And you eat more crispy croutons
Than you do low calorie soup
If you answered yes
To any part of this questionnaire
Then someone is reading this
Too you in intensive care

MENOPAUSAL MONITOR

George was unhappy
With his wife’s erratic mood swings
And his work mates
Told him of the benefit s of mood rings
So he went out a bought one
So he might monitor her mood
He had his reservations
And he thought the idea quite crude
But when she was in a good mood
The stone in the ring turned bright red
And when in a bad mood
It left a huge bruise on his fore head
He came to the conclusion
That he would throw away the mood ring
And try a new tack
Such as buying her a diamond ring

EXERCISE PLAN

My wife wants me to start taking exercise
But not for my own sake to be plain
The only reason she wants me to exercise
Is so she can hear heavy breathing again

HEALTH CLUB WARNING

I joined a health club last year
It cost two hundred pounds so quite dear
I haven’t lost a single pound
So as an investment not very sound
But it wasn’t their fault to be fare
Because apparently you have to go there

IT’S THE DOGS…. ONCE AGAIN

George loved his wife Elsie dearly
They’d been married 40 years nearly
George loved her from the very first look
But sadly Elsie was a desperate cook
To her great credit it didn’t deter her
From preparing a variety of fare
One day she served something cordon bleu
Which caused George to sit and stare
It was truly awful even just to look at
Some burnt, some raw and swimming in fat
Reluctantly he took a taste of the presentation
And gave it to his dog without hesitation
Then immediately after eating some
The dog started licking at his bum
“Why is he doing that?" she said in disgust
As the dog did what all dogs must
George replied quite straight faced
“He’s trying to get rid of the taste”

ONCE UPON A TIME
 
Once upon a time
One day long, long ago,
There lived a woman who you will not know
A remarkable woman
No man has ever known
Who did not whine, nag, bitch or moan
But this was a long, long ago
And it was just ONE day
And that’s all this fairy tale has to say

A GOOD SPORT

If you are thinking of taking up a sport
Then here’s a thought
If you are going to try cross-country skiing
This is what I’m thinking
Make sure you are well equipped to ski
And start with a small country

WHEN I’M SIXTY FOUR

When I’m sixty four
And your back goes out more than you do
I will still love you
When I’m sixty four
And your ears are hairier than your head
I will still share your bed
When I’m sixty four
And you and your teeth no longer sleep together
I will still be your lover

THE GOOD CITIZEN

I am twenty one years old
And was raised in the proper way
To abide by the laws of land
And to live by the rules every day

I was raised to apply common sense
To any action I might make
And to use my own judgment
And not to fear making a mistake

I was raised to respect myself
And respect others at the same time
I was raised to respect the law
And not to resort to crime

I was raised to think for myself
And given the tools to do so
I was taught the right from wrong
And how to behave and how to say no

I loved my life and I was happy
I had a good job which paid very well
A large circle of great friends
And a shiny new car I called Annabel

So when I went to a party with friends
To celebrate a twenty first birthday
I drove their in my beloved Annabel
And drank only coke to my friends dismay

I remembered what I was taught
And I didn't drink and drive
Despite pressure from my piers
I made a conscious choice to stay alive

I had a good time at the party
And I was proud of myself for my stance
I had a good time at the party
Though friends teased me for my abstinence

All too soon the party ended
And we hugged and kissed our goodnights
Then we all went our separate ways
I got into Annabel and turned on the lights

I drove off safe in the knowledge
I had done the right thing staying dry
I observed all the speed restrictions
Not realizing I was soon about to die

I’m standing on the roadside
And see my broken body on the ground
Poor Annabel is smashed to pieces
With men in uniforms all around

A young man was led away in handcuffs
It seems he was a drink driver
All his passengers were also dead
He was drunk and the only survivor

If he had been taught as I was
I would not now be lying dead
If he had been taught as I was
The road would not be coloured red

In my short life I was a good person
I was a good daughter to my parents
A good sister to my young brother
And good to my friends and confidents

There is so much I will now never do
My life will never be fulfilled
I was a good citizen until today
When through selfishness I was killed

FIRST CHRISTMAS

It was just twelve months ago
Since my special wish was made
A wish you thought so simple
For which a fortune I'd have paid
And now it's our first Christmas
In our first little house
But I hope the first of many
With my beautiful new spouse
This year my wish is simpler still
On this Christmas day with you
May our hearts be always filled with love
And the stockings be filled with you

SUPERSTITIOUSLY WHITE CHRISTMAS

If on Christmas day
Snow fall is seen
Then come Easter
Everywhere be green

COOL YULE

Last day of school,
Kids say “that’s cool”
Angel’s wings
Shepherd brings
Presents for Jesus
Rudolf sneezes
Everything is frosting over
Even my car made by “Rover”
Reindeer fly
But I can’t fly
But I have cream on my
Hot mince pie
But I still get a lift
When I get a gift

EMPTYING SANTA’S SACK

One Christmas Eve on a roof top up on high
A poor soul stands shouting up at the sky
He has lost his job and his wife has left him
And the size of his overdraft is quite grim
Finishing his rant to god he shuts his eyes
Then he leaves a note saying his good-byes
He walks up to the edge ready to jump off
He stops when behind him he hears a cough
Father Christmas asks him "are you ok?"
And the man tells him the details of his day
He again walks to the edge of the rooftop
Then Father Christmas shouts, "please stop!"
“It’s Christmas so I’ll give three gifts to you
And I will have a small task for you to do”
Santa Claus says, “let me help you please”
The poor man is in such despair so he agrees
"That would be wonderful thanks,” he said
Father Christmas told him what was ahead
Firstly go home to your wife who is there
Waiting dressed in her sexiest underwear
Longing for you and begging forgiveness
She wants only you and your fond caress
And as for the recent loss of her affection
She will have absolutely no recollection
Secondly go into work after the holiday
Sit at your desk and work the same way
Your salary will have been well increased
Nobody remembers your employment ceased
Thirdly when you check your bank account
And you will be in credit by a large amount
The man is thrilled "oh thank you, thank you!"
Then said, “what is it that you want me to do?"
“Drop your trousers and then bend down”
The man is unsure agrees but wears a frown
Santa Claus gave him a brutal buggering
Leaving the poor man with eyes watering
Afterwards Santa asked, “how old are you?”
The man replied “actually I’m forty two”
 “Your too old to believe in me by quite a bit”
Said the fat gay bloke in the Santa outfit

HOOK

There is something puzzling me
As it doesn’t say in the book
Before his hand was taken
What did they call captain hook

It’s a difficult one to answer
Maybe he was evil captain fist
Or was he called captain two hands
Not really a very menacing list

And was it simply irony, mere chance
Or was his accident planned
For if not for the crocodile
He would have remained a deck hand

THE HONEST SANTA FAIRY
 
A sorry old drunk is walking
Down the street one morning
Together with Santa Claus
The tooth fairy and of course
Honest John the Solicitor
When suddenly on their tour
At the very same moment
They spot on the pavement
Someone’s discarded wallet
So who was it who got it?
The old drunk obviously
Because all of the other three
Only exist in mythology

CHIMNEY NOOK

The next time you complain
At the lack of Christmas nookey
Spare a thought for old St Nick
And have a little sympathy
For he only comes but once a year
And then he’s up a chimney

OH NO HE ISN’T

My great uncle John was an actor on the stage
Who was best known as a pantomime dame
Famous for his ugly sister and widow twanky
But not anymore which is a great shame

He has gone to that great pantomime in the sky
No longer will he don grease paint and his regalia
I will still see him though from time to time
Because he’s not dead he’s just working for Ryan air

CROMWELLIAN

The lord protector Oliver Cromwell
Killed thousands, the truth to tell
Beheaded the king and closed hostelries
And he cancelled the Christmas festivities

WHO’S THE NEW GUY?
 
A tenth reindeer flew in Santa’s team
One unknown pulling Santa’s sleigh
We know the names of nine of them
Including Rudolf leading the way
So who was the mystery number ten?
Twas Rudolf the brown nosed reindeer
Flew behind his red nosed brother
But he couldn’t stop as quick I fear

TIME FOR CHRISTMAS

At last I have some time to spare
No more work until the New Year
Its nearly Christmas so beware
The weather's bitter so have a care
Peace and goodwill and never fear
A wish for one and all for the coming year

HAPPY STRESSLESS

A good friend of mine
Does his Christmas shopping
In less than two hours
With decs for party popping
And Gifts for twenty five
Friends and family
All on Christmas Eve
Including a six foot tree

A MAN FOR ALL SEASONS

Now once more
The year has turned
The advent candle
Long since burned
Hearts darken
As we count the cost
And the season’s spirit
Is all now lost
But it need not
All be dark and gloom
Light can again
Illuminate the room
So here is a philosophy
For all of us
God is for life
Not just for Christmas

SEASONS GREETINGS

Tis the festive season
Of goodwill and reason
For the politically correct
The dithering and the direct
For the clubs and the cliques
And tedious control freaks
For the anal retentive's
And their many representatives
For council house yobs
And the inverted snobs
Those with professional jobs
And intellectual snobs
For the easily offended
And the over complicated
For the vile and the venomous
The overt and the anonymous
Snake in the grass vipers
And Back stabbing snipers
To the tarts and the vicars
And those in disposable knickers
For all poetry scrawlers
And the unpleasant name callers
For the narrowly minded
And those with axes grinded
For the loud minority
And the silent majority
For blondes and brunettes
And all lads and laddettes
Those pierced and tattooed
And the prim and the lewd
For the bright and the bland
And the humble and the grand
For those who are pretentious
And the liberal consensus
Every class hew and breed
Every persuasion and creed
Whether ungifted or artistic
And the mentally arthritic
For the first and the last
And sense of humour bypassed
For those with rhyme and reason
So in the spirit of the season
Now the year is nearly done
Merry Christmas everyone

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

It was Christmas Eve closing time, nearly
Where a last minute shopper, frustrated clearly
Was rummaging through the freezer cabinet
At her nearest out of town super market
Desperately searching for a frozen turkey
And couldn't find one big enough for her family
Then she saw a young shop assistant pass by
And decided that she would give him a try
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?" she said
Puzzled he replied "No madam, they're dead."

JOSHUA, JOSHUA

“God with us,” or Emmanuel
“A savior”
In Hebrew called Joshua
In Greek the name was Jesus
“The chosen one”
In Hebrew called Messiah
In Greek named Christ
Jesus Christ
The Son of god
A Jew Born in the Roman Empire
Given by God to the world
For two thousand years
Not known by a Latin name
But known by all by his name in Greek

IT’S CHRISTMAS

People have been discovering
On a Christmas Morning
That the curse of Christmas
That’s causing the most fuss
Has been unanimously concluded
To be “Batteries not included”

THE SANTA CLAUSE

When I was a child
I believed in Santa Claus
When I got older
I didn’t believe in Santa Claus
When I became a parent
I was Santa Claus
Now I have grandchildren
I look like Santa Claus

KIDS DON’T UNDERSTAND CHRISTMAS

All children think
Christmas just happens
But parents work tirelessly
To bring it about
Months in the planning
Putting things away
Things to add to a special day
Shopping and wrapping
Dressing and decking
Super market shopping
The prices heart stopping
Journeying from shop to shop
For the latest must have toy
All made worth while
To see a face lit with joy

CHRISTMAS FARE

There has never been a good time to be poor
Certainly not Christmas
As Dickens wrote
“This time when want is keenly felt by the poor”
And there has never been a good place to be poor
Certainly not Victorian London
Now a wealthy Victorian family
Would dine upon a Christmas dinner
Of Vegetable soup
Oyster patties,
Roast turkey or goose,
Boiled leg of mutton with caper sauce
Followed by Port wine jelly,
Mince pies and plum pudding
Queen Victoria is known to have eaten roast swan
While in the country
A piece of Smoked bacon
Or rabbit pie was had
The poor in town or country
Dined upon what ever could be found

FALL OF THE SNOWMAN

Here is a thought of little worth
Snowmen start their fall to earth
From Heaven above unassembled
And like a snow globe it resembled
But if a snowman were then desired
Some assembly would be required

CHRISTMAS JAMMING

I sit in my car on a December day
In the evening rush hour on a Friday
Rain pounds on the roof of my car
As I sit in a jam not getting very far
Just sitting motionless in the traffic
Late home again, that just terrific
Bright red taillights fill my view
The light’s of other cars in the queue
I see Looking to my left and right
The twinkling of a Christmas light
The queue edges forward very slowly
Then I reach the junction eventually
Twenty minutes just to get this far
I see the blue light of a police car
I don’t believe it I could explode
The police have only shut my road
I still don’t know what’s to blame
As now I go back the way I came
All the way home I rant and rage
Growling like a wild beast in a cage
Rush hour and my spleen is vent
Shutting the road is so inconvenient
The reason for delay I still can’t see
But I do make it home eventually
I shout at the kids taking off my hat
I moan at my wife and kick the cat
I look at my dinner with total disdain
Dried up the gravy now just a stain
On Monday I relate my tale of woe
And my problems with traffic flow
A colleague of mine who lived locally
Knew the details and informed me
And then with shame I was filled
A woman was run down and killed
A week before Christmas she had died
A happy Christmas for her was denied
A poor young woman had lost her life
Somebody’s lover somebody’s wife
She was both a daughter and mother
Mourned by two sister’s and a brother
Bells ring out on Christmas morning
Bells ring out for a family mourning
Christmas bells ring out in glory
To celebrate the Christmas story
I spent Christmas with my family
With my heart so full of sympathy
I felt so ashamed at my selfishness
Angry impatient and thoughtless
I confess I behaved so irrationally
Just because I was late home for tea
When next I’m in a jam I’ll remember
Any time from January to December
I shall keep things in true perspective
And my thanks to God I shall give
No matter how slowly I have to drive
If I’m sitting in a jam I’m still alive

NICE

Making your way in life, it’s nice
To know you can, once or twice
Rely on other people in a trice
For assistance, guidance or advice

They’ll be no shortage of advice
But knowing what piece or slice
Of advice or guidance will suffice
You might just as well roll a dice

This axiom though it be concise
Won’t be bettered to be precise
So you take heed or pay the price
“Don’t eat yellow snow or ice”

CHRISTMAS SHOCKING

Well worn festive tunes
Blare out
Hapless faces
Stare out
Faces strained
Bemused, Confused
Lists gripped tight
Pens ticking or deleting
Then onward
Loaded trolleys
Wildly steering
Zig zagging
Aisle to aisle
Every item
Must be had
Gin for her
Beer for dad
Chocs and cakes
Chops and steaks
Turkey, stuffing
Nuts and fruit
Frozen this
Prepacked that
Pop and juice
Something’s loose
Everything ticked
On the tight gripped list
Nothing missed
Merry Christmas wished
Hundreds of pounds
Of Christmas bought
The festivities can begin
Relax in the knowledge
The shops will only be shut
For twenty four hours

CHRISTMAS RULES

Our Christmas fare
Tables heaving
Cupboards overflowing
Contrasts starkly
With our foreign brothers
With meager bowls
Of meal or rice
How would they react?
To our gluttony

The homeless survive
On handouts
Of soup and bread
Or half eaten burgers
Discarded in bins
Sleeping in doorways
Or In cardboard boxes
With news paper bedding

Should we feel guilt?
For having more than they
For our good fortune