THE ADVENTURES OF DAVON BREST, CELEBRITY BIOGRAPHER

Time: Late afternoon. Place: The Brest House in a fashionable section of London.

On the living room floor, Davon Brest is surrounded by a dozen books about the late American actor Paul Newman, or rather what’s left of the books after Brest has finished cutting them to pieces and pasting them into his own manuscript.

“Done!” he exclaims to Janie, his wife of 37 years. She smiles and gives him a hug and kiss. “Congratulations, dear! Call Jerry Robinson right away - remember, you promised him you’d write it in four days, and here’s it taken you nearly four-and-a-half!“

“Well, if I hadn’t had to keep checking on those Lanza loonies and writing about them on my blog, I‘d have been done yesterday! It doesn‘t matter anyway - sales of “A Slime Symphony” are going through the roof!”

Davon and Janie’s son Marlon, age 36, walks in and sees his the remains of Newman books on the floor. “Another cut-and-paste bio, Dad?“ he asks. Davon replies indignantly, “Marlon, you know better than to ask me that! Of COURSE it’s cut-and-paste! How ELSE could I produce six books a year!”

Janie chimes in, “Marlon, dear, do you think we’d be living as lavishly as this if your father had to do actual research for years and years, and then write something original?“ Marlon replies, “Yes, Mom, but my friends are starting to tease me. They say Dad’s not a real biographer.” Davon snorts, “Of course I’m not a REAL biographer - I’m a CELEBRITY biographer!”

Marlon replies, “Well, I hope this time you’re not going to add something in about a threesome with Gracie Fields and Edith Piaf.” Janie says, “No - this time Dad’s having it be Marlene Dietrich and Maria Callas in a tryst with Newman. They end up dousing each other with a jar of Newman’s Own Industrial Strength Spaghetti Sauce.”

“Yes,” says Davon, “in fact, I’m calling the book ‘Paul Newman - In His Own Sauce.” He and Janie laugh uproariously.

Marlon shrugs and says, “That does it - I’m going out.”

Janie blows him a kiss. “Okay, darling, drive carefully! Davon, dinner will be ready in a half-hour.”

As she walks off into the kitchen, Davon hauls out a dozen books written about Culture Club and drops them on the floor. “Good,” he replies, “as soon as we finish eating, I’m going to start on that new bio of Boy George! I promised Jerry Robinson I'd have it to him by 5 tomorrow.”