Last one, I swear. Maybe.

INDICTMENT

COUNT ONE
(TAUNTING)

1. At times material to this indictment:
POSITIONS OF PARTIES RELATED TO THE TREE
     a) David McGee (“McGee”) was seated on the ground, and was not located in the tree (“tree”)
     b) Margaret O’Houlihan (“O’Houlihan”) was seated on the ground, and was not located in tree.
     c) McGee and O’Houlihan had maintained a distance of no less than two (2) feet between themselves at all times.

2. ACTIONS OF THE DEFENDANT
     a) Michael Whelchel (“Whelp”) did approach McGee and O’Houlihan and did knowingly state the following: “David and Margaret sitting in a tree; K-I-S-S-I-N-G; first comes love, then comes marriage; then comes the baby in the baby-carriage.”

THEREFORE

Michael Whelchel did knowingly and corruptly endeavor to influence, obstruct and impede the due course of friendship, by taunting McGee and O’Houlihan, and by subsequently misleading all those within the range of his voice to believe that
     a) McGee and O’Houlihan were seated in a tree (an accusation of a crime, as this took place on public land where climbing of trees is forbidden)
     b) McGee and O’Houlihan’s lips were in close proximity
     c) McGee and O’Houlihan were
          a. In love
          b. Shortly to be wed
          c. Shortly to conceive a child
          d. Shortly to purchase a pram for said child

Michael Whelchel did know that all of these statements were false. In violation of city statute 17-J, and all the common rules of decency, the defendant is herein indicted. What a dick.