It was another beautiful, sunny day at Bayside High School as the bell rang for first period to begin. Zach Morris and A.C. Slater sauntered into the classroom, where they immediately caught sight of their new leader, Dave McGee, sitting in the back corner of the room, wearing sunglasses and chewing on the end of a matchstick. Zach and Slater took their seats next to him, and waited for him to address them.

Dave had been the new leader of their clique since transferring to Bayside three weeks ago. Stunned at the lack of coolness at the new place, Dave had marked these two loser clowns as the hippest Bayside had to offer. He was just using them to gain a foothold, but as soon as he didn't need them anymore he was going to drop them like the fools they were.

"Stop staring at me," Dave finally said. Zach and Slater looked sheepish, but were saved when the principal Mr. Belding walked into the room.

"Hey!" said some girl that had never been in that class before and never would be again, "Where's Mr. Tuttle?"

"Mr. Tuttle's out sick today, children, so I'm going to teach the class today." There was an audible grown from the entire class, as everybody shifted in their seats. "Oh don't be so forlorn, kids!" Belding said cheerfully. "Remember that the last three letters of 'principal' are 'pal.'" He laughed uproariously, but was interrupted as Dave McGee finally spoke.

"Shut the fuck up, bald man!" The principal cowered as everyone else in the class looked aghast. "You're not teaching shit today. I'm in charge here. I told you to bring me a soda, you dumb bastard. Now get the hell out of this classroom and don't come back until you have a soda for me!"

Belding began to cry, and hobbled out of the classroom, his shoulders shaking with sobs. The class let out a mighty cheer and starting to chant in unison "DAVE MCGEE! DAVE MCGEE!" Dave just smiled, and acknowledged their applause with a slow nod.

"Oh, man!" said Zach, laughing. "I wish Screech had been here to see that."

"Yeah, but don't forget, Preppy," Slater responded. "That guy was a murderer."

It was true. Samuel "Screech" Powers had recently been convicted of the murder of Lisa Turtle, a woman he had viciously stalked all through junior high and high school. He was currently serving back-to-back life sentences at Rikers.

"I know," said Zach really sadly. "I can't believe my best friend would do something like that."

"I can," said Dave, with a cool sneer. "That little insufferable nerd was always unstable. He got what he had coming to him." Slater nodded his agreement.

Zach, looking sly, subtly motioned for a timeout.

"Timeout!" he said. Everybody in the room froze, silent. Zach began his soliloquy. "Uh-oh. Looks like I'm in for a little competition. This new guy is cool, and has everybody worshipping him. If I'm not careful, he's gonna go after Kelly next!" Suddenly Zach realized that Dave McGee wasn't frozen, he was chuckling quietly.

"What the hell?" said Zach. "I called timeout!"

"Your little magic tricks don't work on me, Morris. I run this place now."

Zach gulped. Then, Dave told him the truth: he wasn't going to go after Kelly Kapowski, he had already been there. Earlier that morning out on the football field, the same football field where they had once discovered an oil well and were excited to have the school be rich but then the oil well leaked and got on this duck that the class was taking care of and the students all realized that oil was bad for the environment and so they protested against it and eventually the board of education saw the error of their ways and asked for the well to be capped again, out on that same football field Dave had already hooked up with Kelly. In the early morning dew, his masculine hands had carefully caressed the folds of a) her 50% cotton, 50% polyester Bayside Tigers cheerleader outfit and b) her vagina. Kelly was just waiting for lunchtime so that she could break up with Zach. Dave and Kelly already had plans to go to The Max after class for a strawberry phosphate and some more heavy petting. Zach, like Belding before him, ran out of the classroom crying. The only thought in his head was joining the NYPD, which he eventually did, I guess. But as Dave looked at the frozen classroom before him, he realized the truth: his reign at Bayside High had just officially begun.

With a smile, he called "Time in!"

The episode you mention, Dave, is the only one I don't remember very clearly, because I took Ambien too early in the evening. I had to have Jenn fill in bits that were murky in the morning.

I would be more inclined to believe Dave's claims if I hadn't stumbled upon his volumes upon volumes of Saved by the Bell fan-fiction, where he awkwardly writes himself into every episode.

Other than the complete mis-step that was the episode "Whatever the Case May Be" (yikes. just not a good episode at all) I think that Lost is just possibly my favorite television show of all time.

Well, so as not to get your hopes too far up, I should probably clarify that I'm still a member of Team God. I can appreciate the Jay Pinkerton articles, though, because my religious experiences amount to a search for the truth, and the sooner that one clears away all of the utterly insane shit (90% or so of the Bible, and an even greater percentage of what comes out of most pulpits), the easier the truth becomes to find.

Also, Pinkerton makes fun of people, and I've never found a situation where I didn't support that.

It's that next logical leap where the Christian defense loses me — that since neither side knows whether a superior being exists or not, it's defensible to assume He published a novel two thousand years ago. I'm all for faith, but at some point, I'm sorry: if you're taking 'We are surrounded by uncertainty' and arriving at 'This omnipotent guy in a cloud city told me He hates fags as much as I do,' you don't get to pull out the Atheism is as Much a Belief System as Christianity trump card. I'm afraid you're going to have to show your work.

That site is great. Thanks.

I saw "QT - Bob Mike Hitler" in my Inbox, remembered my last post, and thought, "Shit." So you have no idea how relieved your actual post made me.

Re: The "jealous God" of the Old Testament...

Go here. You will not be disappointed.

That God, he is one bad mamma-jamma.

Never-- oh never!-- allow yourself to start down the slippery slope of discussing the arrows in The Lord of the Rings. Ignore ignore ignore. Put fingers in ears and repeat after me: "LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!"

On 27 Mar 2005 05:33:21 -0000, QT - Joshua McGee
<qtopic+3-KEfaQmGijryAZIg6vuYl@quicktopic.com> wrote:
>


--
"...I do suck most wondrous..."
Herman Melville, "Moby Dick, or The Whale"

David McGee
www.davemcgee.com
< replied-to message removed by QT >

Ah, the curses of a shared computer.

- Josh

Grnegsnspm: Indeed.

mcgees.org is going down. I hope to have it back up by 0030 PST.

- Josh

I just noticed the numbers on top of the page. Nice. I wonder how many people have played the lotto with those numbers since that episode.

I second Dave's statement. Especially the part about him being fat.

I have no idea what your most recent post means. But I have a feeling that you're calling me fat.

You scooped me. :-) I think it's great news. And I also think than when I start typing "news" with "n-o-o-", it means my Ambien has kicked in and it's time to sleep.

New Jersey is suing Blockbuster Video over their new late-fee policy. From the article:

"The state of New Jersey claims Blockbuster Inc., the nation's largest movie-rental chain, has violated the state's consumer protection laws with its new policy on late fees.

In a lawsuit filed Friday, the state charged that Blockbuster failed to disclose key terms in the policy, including that overdue rentals are automatically converted to a sale on the eighth day after the due date."

I just read your post about the TV show Project Runway.

You said that reality TV "is hurting the nation almost as much as the Republicans." Do you really think so? Maybe I put too little stock in how the role of television programs shapes our nation. But the Republicans are systematically dismantling civil rights laws; attempting to do away with a woman's right to choose; letting corporate polluters that are destroying the environment police themselves on a voluntary basis; letting the CEOs of major companies head the governmental departments that should be policing them; fighting wars and committing genocide in the name of God; attempting to do away with any separation between church and state. I could go on too, but the point is this: I hardly think that The Bachelorette can hold a candle to this kind of thing. I don't think we're anywhere near "almost" and I think we're not even at "somewhat." It ain't even the same fuckin' sport.

I think that reality TV is having negative and possibly devastating effects on the TV industry, and particularly on televised drama. But I also think the same thing about forensic science shows. I generally don't like reality TV, and I generally don't like forensic science shows. I've been watching a lot of DVDs lately. But these things tend to go in cycles, and my guess is that in a few years reality TV programs will have scaled back down to a more normal level, just like shows such as "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" and "The Weakest Link" eventually went the way of the dodo. Admittedly, those had much shorter shelf lives. But reality TV won't be around forever.

As to the quote from David Cross you mentioned, he was saying it particularly about "The Simple Life" and particularly about a commercial for a bullshit invention that was parading itself as a savior. It's possible that he (and you) would extend it to just any reality show, but I'm not going with you on that. My roommate Jess likes the show Project Runway, and just by being in the same apartment I've caught a few episodes. I don't care for it, but I don't think it's as vile as following around two heiresses to watch them embarrass themselves. The contestants on Runway are trying to prove themselves as designers, and, yes, they're kind of whiny. But one is a competition: the other is just rubbernecking at a freeway accident.

Regarding the one designer who "sold herself short": I didn't see this particular episode, but it sounds like it can be equated with a losing sports team. I'm always pissed when people say "The refs screwed us up." I like it better when they say "We didn't play well enough." So sure, I think she said the right thing afterward. But just as in any competition, just because you lose graciously doesn't mean you should have won.

Again, I'm with you that I wouldn't miss a lot of these shows. But comparing them to the political party that is attempting to destroy the fabric of our nation seems like a major overstatement.

In other news, I need to stop pretending that I just have allergies and admit that I'm actually sick. Sigh...