*Has cute image of Zef going "I'm not tried! I'm never going to sleep!" and then immediately conking out like in that one Calvin and Hobbes strip.*

Hey! It's the Every Time You Masturbate, God Kills a Kitten kitten! I love that pic. It's the little stuffed robot monsters in the background that get me.

Clip Show:

7/6/02

"Do I need to wear a shirt to come in here?" asked a guy with his shirt in his hand. "I'd prefer that you wore it," I said. This seemed to confuse him, then he said, "Well, I'm in here anyway." and he left his flabby gut hanging out. He bought a pint of, what else, cheap vodka.
"Mark St. John!" he said, extending his hand. I shook hands and said "Bill Y--" but I was only a bit player in the movie going on in his head. He cut me off and said, "I just got out of the service! 15 years Special Forces!" I was under the impression that it was hard to get into the Special Forces. He was five feet tall with a beer gut, and about as chiseled as a diaper bag full of Jello. Maybe the Navy SEALS are now hiring people shaped like seals.
"I hated it! My unit had 500 guys in it, and 498 were killed!" Uh-huh. That's probably more American soldiers than have died since before the Gulf War. Funny how they all came from the same unit. I must've missed that on the news. But I can see how he was one of the 0.4% that survived--The enemy probably mistook him for Danny DeVito, and they were all Taxi fans. "Guys hated it so much, they were committing suicide just to get out! One guy got into an F16 and pulled the ejection seat with the canopy down!" Maybe the 498 guys all committed suicide. Man, I really need to keep up on the news!
"I tried everything to get out of the service! I'd go to parade with Mickey Mouse ears on! My pants on backwards! But they didn't care, they wouldn't let me out!" Well, duh! Klinger dressed up as a woman, and he had to stay in the Korean War for 11 years! Plus, they wouldn't want to lose a valuable asset to our nation's security like you, G.I. Pudding Pop!
He never said how he did get out. Though he admitted "I'm having a lot of trouble adjusting to this society of ours!" Yes. I'd actually guessed that already. His example of this was a Pakistani convenience store clerk who wouldn't sell him a beer and a pack of smokes because he was short 21 cents on the bill. I'm sure the fact that you're nuttier than George Washington Carver's lab table had nothing to do with it.
From the parking lot, he said "Look out the window for a demonstration! I'm a fifth degree!" Meaning "Black Belt." Ohhh, dear, I thought. Here comes proof positive of our little world apart.
If I had a videocam, I'd have the web's top downloaded MPEG file for today. He did his magic ninja moves, spinning and thrusting his little gremlin arms while his pot wobbled. He looked like the Dancing Internet Baby having a seizure. I could tell that his mighty blows had the power of a Catholic schoolgirl's slap-fight. His "high kick" barely reached his belt buckle. The best part wasn't when he almost tripped over the curb, but the "fwish fwish!" noises he made, just like in Nintendo "Kung Fu." He'd learned all his moves--and sound effects--from watching a Jackie Chan movie.
Mark St. John, Super Green Beret.
fwish!!

7/8/02

"FROM DINO, OF COURSE!" shrieks the lettering on the Egg Machine, while Dino laughs insanely and a mini-Dino hatches. I was under the impression that Dino was male. And the eggs are not from Dino, of course. They're from a brown plastic chicken that rotates and goes "BUCK BUCK!" when fed a quarter, and plotzes a plastic egg with an incredibly cheap Chinese-made toy inside. But the Egg Machine is an integral part of the TC experience, and if I have a quarter, I get an Egg. I got a dumb little plastic combination lock the size of a thumbnail. But left in the egg, Kill Kill will have fun batting it about and hearing it rattle.
I got there just in time; a line formed as soon as I sat down. A women came in with her 2 boys, one maybe 6 or 7, the other younger but old enough to not be still sucking on a pacifier. If he had more than one word in his vocabulary, I never heard it. He pointed at the Egg Machine and yelled, as best as one can yell with a plastic nipple in one's mouth, "EGGY!"
"Mommy doesn't have any quarters," Mommy said with an air of disinterest. "I'll get some when I pay." "EGGY!" said Eggbert, jamming the quarter-deposting-slider back and forth (okay, it's probably not called a "quarter-deposting-slider," but do you know the technical name yourself, Vending Machine Smartie? Ha! Didn't think so!!) "Don't do that, honey," said Mommy with renewed disinterest. This deterred Eggbert in exactly the same way UN sanctions deter Saddam Hussein from being a general asshole. "EGGY EGGY EGGY!" said the ovaphile as he repeatedly jammed the quarter-deposting-slider (or QDS, to professionals). "I don't want you to do that, honey," said Mommy. "EGGY EGGY!" agreed the yolk-crazed madman, and he stopped abusing the QDS. And began pounding on the Egg Machine's window. "Don't do that, honey," repeated Mommy as she downed an entire bottle of Prozac. "FUCKIN' EGGY EGGY EGGY!" shrieked Lil' Gollum as he went at the machine with a fire ax. "Cease and desist, for you're aggravating Mommy's lobotomy," said Mommy, wiping the involuntary drooling away. "EGGGGGYYYY!!!!" shrieked Yolky, as he sacrificed a passing virgin to the Elder God of Vending, Eggthulhu. "BLURK," said Mommy from her fetal position on the floor.
"Order up!" said the clerk, and I grabbed my nuggets. I also picked up my meal (haha! I am funny!). This was the point when Damien's mother waved a twenty at the clerk and asked, "Can I have some quarters? And a few yards of suture, as EGGY Boy's gnawed all his limbs off?"
Next time, Mommy, bring the quarters before Tasty Chicking.

I don't know. I just think they deserve re-reads.

It's the little stuffed robot monsters in the background that get me.

It's Domokun! Raarr!

Awww, I want a Domokun toy!

I used to write goodly.

Bill:
Must be the effect of too much Gonterman.

Another movie recomendation: Oliver Parker's Othello. Filmed in 1995, it was the first film version of the play that cast an actual black guy as the blackamoor of Venice. Also, though I haven't seen this written down officially anywhere, I'm fairly certain it's the first version that depicts Iago as being in love with Othello. Any flick where Kenneth Brannaugh makes calf-eyes at Lawrence Fishbourn is a good movie to me.

Don't worry, it doesn't have any psycho-symbolic car chases. Wouldn't it be cool if it did, though?

When I said you've been reading too much Gonterman, I was just kidding.

If it provokes crazy Zef art, maybe I should run some more clips.

Anything can provoke more Zef scribbles. (it's not art, c'mon.) Nothing's safe, or sacred. afterall, MSPaint loads quickly.

Edited by author 02-23-2005 08:57 PM
Zef scribbles. (it's not art, c'mon.)

You haven't been to an art gallery lately, have you?
The works you produce have far more art in them than a lot of the things hanging on the walls of said galeries!

Art, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder ;)

Edit: What is it with kittens and mouse cords, it may be time to look at a wireless mouse!

Art, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder ;)

Well, yeah, but then there's stuff like conceptual art. for now i think i'll accept both you and Lav calling it 'art' as enough proof.

I haven't been to a gallery in a bit but, in the department of i'm-still-reading-controversial-books, Brown's 'Angels and Demons' much like 'The DaVinci Code' has had me looking at some damn fine art.

RE: Creationism VS Evolutionism, i share the POV of some of the characters in said book. Why can't science and religion get along? they're both ways to look at the awesomeness of the creation. I'm cool thinking God came up with evolution. and trusting his humans to come up with uses for male nipples. (roman centurions pierced them to hold their capes, now, isn't that useful?)


GO ASHANTI! SNUFF THAT MOUSE!

Zef: AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That is the greatest picture EVER DRAWN!

Zef: Sweet! Boat chases! Awesome picture.

SteveM:
The kitten and the mouse have been mortal foes since the Dawn of Time, or at least the dawn of that one time when this one mouse totally dissed the kitten. Science has proved this with all its facts 'n' shit. The earliest known combined kitten/mouse fossil clearly shows the mouse giving the finger, while the kitten says "Why, you!!

My own empirical studies of 2 kittens indicates that they want your total attention, and soon figure out which material items get the most of it. Both Killsy and Byron immediately fixated on the trackball, and attacked it. They know that it's competition.
I assume that in less computercentric households, they attack the remote.

RE: Creationism VS Evolutionism, Why can't science and religion get along?

Many evolutionary scientists believe in God, although not in the sense of the "God who fiddles with everyday shit, and gets pissed when you don't pray (if you're Protestant!) or do the Rosary (but only if you're Catholic!)". They believe in God in the sense of "somebody must've turned that first switch on." Even I have to say that a mystery that Science may never solve is: Yes, the Universe was created in the Big Bang--but where'd the Big Bang come from? What started it? Where'd the matter that made it up come from? That doesn't either disprove Science or prove God; there are just some things I don't think we'll ever know (at least, not on any timescale that matters to us alive today).

I have no problems with a hands-off God. I have problems with a hands-on God. I have a problem with a God-concept who "creates" humans with horrifying birth defects and allows mass-murdering disasters, endless poverty and endless suffering, but ONley RILLY GETs MAD when them fags marry, or when it's pointed out that "Bush isn't a very good president."
THAT version of God needs to work on His priorities.

I had an interesting idea for a comic today.
Panel 1: Girl and Guy are sitting at a table in a restarant, obviously on a date. They both look happy. Girl says, "Contrary to popular belief, it's actually very easy for a woman to rape a man. You just have to get a piece of twine, strangle him until he gets an erection, and then go to town."
Panel 2: Girl continues to look happy. Guy looks wierded out. Girl says cheerfully, "I haven't done it, of course. I just know the logistics of how it would work."
Panel 3: They sit in silence. Girl continues to look cheerful. Guy continues to look freaked.
Panel 4: Guy is gone. Girl says unhappily, "I think maybe the dating scene isn't for me."

Funny, or just psychotic? I'm not sure which.

I feel the urge to point out, whenever I get ensared in a theological debate, that there are some quite logical and empirical arguments for the existance of the human soul. For example, it's impossible for any machine, no matter how complicated it is, to become aware of its own data. That's why they have those little "re-type this series of letters to prove you're not a robot" tests. The quality of being able to understand data and make meaning of it is something that only a non-mechanical, and therefore non-physical entity could ever accomplish. You needs an outside consciousness to transform the data into knowledge. Kind of like no matter how many words you write down, they'll never start to understand their own meaning, no matter how many data streams you have, or how complex their interactions are, they will never start becoming conscious.