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| ßy_NiQuiL
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06-29-2008 07:11 PM ET (US)
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06-20-2008 05:30 AM ET (US)
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Deleted by topic administrator 06-25-2008 02:30 AM
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sunglow
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06-17-2008 03:37 AM ET (US)
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| Patricia
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06-01-2008 02:09 PM ET (US)
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I am 56 years old and married an as person of 29. I have had my children but now find that i have anothwer one!! We now have separate rooms as he never comes to bed and will stay up all night playing games and shifting on the internet on the not so savoury sites. His room is a dump but i cannot clear it up as he knows when one peice of paper has been moved. As like one of your other people I cannot invite any one around as it so embaressing. He is rude, abusive and agressive towards me and will not listen to one single view that I have. BUT when I met him he was sweet, interesting and spent alot of time with me. Now i am sure that he is happy as long as i cook, wash his clothes and make sure he has money he is fine. I am spending more and more time in my room isolated and very lonely. Yet I love him. But can I live with him much longer?? I wanted someone to care for me and I should have listened to my doctor when he said he was not right for me. What support is there for the partners of as?? If anyone knows please let me know. Take care everyone.
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| joanie
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05-23-2008 12:44 AM ET (US)
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I am quite sure my husband has AS. My 22 year old son was diagnosed a few years ago, and my spouse matches the criteria.
Here are some oddities that I hope someone will recognize and confirm:
He has not touched me intimately in 12 years.
He recently had appendicitis, and the nurses asked me why he seemed overly anxious about every detail and overly sensitive to every feeling.
He has little to discuss except weather and gas prices.
Chores are paramount to his daily living.
I feel he judges me because I do not conform to his standards.
He cannot make a decision without asking my opinion.
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05-16-2008 09:08 AM ET (US)
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Deleted by topic administrator 05-17-2008 10:12 AM
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| Andrea
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03-31-2008 03:26 PM ET (US)
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Can someone help me?
I'm wondering if my husband has AS. We've been married for 12 years, and it's been constant hell. Sorry. He's intelligent and highly analytical, extremely detail oriented and very socially dysfunctional. He has no friends, and even when I try to have a normal surfacy/factual conversation with him and I ask a "why" question, he'll answer the "what." If I ask him a "how" question, he'll still answer the "what." Most of the time, he is unexpressive in his facial expressions, body language and voice tone, unless it is a subject that he is passionate about. He makes decisions based on assumptions and usually makes the wrong one.
At times when we've been in a store, he whistles from the end of the aisle to get my attention instead of walking up to me to talk. Other times he pushes me from behind to make me keep moving or to get out of the way of another shopper.
We can't even communicate on a deeper level - he has no communication skills to do that. He has no flexibility and gets angry if I don't do even do the laundry and housecleaning on my usual day, or if supper is not served at a specified time. Though I am a Christian myself and I know that marriage is supposed to be forever, I can't do this anymore. I have a physical disability and we have a young school-aged I am trying to raise. When our son tries to speak to him about things he's struggling with, my husband is not socially responsive. He ignores him, or falls asleep while he's talking to him, leaving my son in tears yet again.
Because of the constant stress, I have developed some serious health issues with my adrenal glands, thyroid, ovaries and breasts, and keep having to go for biopsies every six months.
I know that the bible talks about divorce and says it's wrong, but I can't keep living with this stress.
Can anyone help?
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02-22-2008 04:49 AM ET (US)
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Deleted by topic administrator 02-22-2008 04:22 PM
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| lesa
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02-15-2008 02:57 AM ET (US)
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I have a friend who I'm pretty sure has AS. I've known him for almost 20 years and for the last 8 years we have been good friends. He is a successful supervisor at a Fortune 500 company. His attention to detail is what got him his position. He has to be detail oriented to be successful at his job. He also has to be an independent worker. His employees love him. I must tell you that most of his colleagues who are White think he is weird, but his black colleagues and employees think he is great because he makes direct eye contact and never makes rude remarks or assumptions about their lives. He does however get angry when someome does not complete their assignments. I usually get the brunt of this anger since I'm the one around him once his shift is over. He tells me he is trying to curb his anger and so far I have noticed a change. Co worker's and friends constantly ask me how I can get him to talk. Its fairly easy, I talk about Star War and Star Trek for at least 15 minutes and then I say "switch" and we talk 15 minutes about something I'm interested in. He seems to be in awe that I will talk about his favorite subjects. Overtime I have found that we do have a lot in common and if I stick to what we do have in common it seems to work. A sexual relationship seems to be out of the question. He is devastatingly handsome but I can't seem to get to first base. If I talk about sex straight out he shuts down but if I put in the context of the Discovery Channel or a article I read, he gets in what I call scientific mode and will talk. I have to later pepper the conversation with things like "what if you and I, that sounds like us, or if something like that happens between us what would you do". Mostly its trial and error. I'm a Qualified Professional in Mental Health so I have experience with Autism ,PDD and AS. He once told me that I invaded his space but I since learned that if I made some of my behavior routine he does not seem to mind as much. I have to be able to sense what is appropriate for him. I make sure I touch him when I say goodbye and hello and then that way he knows what will happen. Now if I don't touch him he wants to know why. He also does not like when I completely ignore him and before I suspected he had AS I would ignore him when he made me angry just as I would any other man. It would affect his mood greatly and it was as if he searched me out to get my attention back. Once I did speak to him again he would be joyful and then later resort back to his flat affect as though he was ignoring me. I do know that he have been married twice but I also know that he is emotionally deprived. He has told me he wants and needs affection but he has said that he was afraid of getting hurt again. I know that if we did have a relationship it would be difficult.
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| Betty-Ann
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02-14-2008 05:36 PM ET (US)
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Hi - Just to say that I have contacted RELATE - not for the normal help but because I was advised by the FAAAS site to contact them as they have some literature and books regarding AS. I have read the information they have sent me and it all just confirmed his AS. At this moment, I am still tentatively mentioning going to the doc with him in the hope of receiving some kind of help. My doc has told me that there is little help for adults with AS but she has suggested that I try and get him to visit. Whether this will just mean that he accepts that he has a problem or what, I don't know at this moment. I have to choose my moments very carefully, but this is my next step. I am learning that when he reacts with an outburst, I don't respond in any way. I just sit there. My heart is banging in my throat and I feel quite ill, but within about 15 mins he has forgotten his outburst and we resume to "normality" - well at least until his next outburst. When he goes to work, it is my time to collect myself and try to settle myself a bit. Somedays I feel so affected that I cannot drive. I know the days when I can and cannot drive. As I said previously, I am taking one day at a time. Take care...
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| Betty-Ann
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02-14-2008 05:05 PM ET (US)
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Hi - all I can say is that God is faithful to his children and He will help. I do not know how it will pan out, at the moment I am just taking one day at a time. My husband too misreads scripture, he doesn't read his Bible and what he remembers is often taken wrongly, he is a typical Pharisee, everyone has to do what he says but we cannot do what he does and please God. Yes it is very hard. I have to steel away just to spend time with the Lord and precious moments are often spoilt by a harsh word or action blundering across me. This open emailing means I am not permitted to go too deep, but be assurred, there are others who are in the same situation and if you feel like screaming then ssssss ccccc rrrr eeee aaa mmmmmmmm in another new message!
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| Septemberbaby10
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02-13-2008 09:30 PM ET (US)
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Wow Betty-Ann...I have read your posts and I am a Christian woman as well...Your husband sounds like mine, with the exception that mine is Bipolar!! I can't type here too long...for fear he may come in the room. I would say I get the brutal MENTAL abuse pretty much! For example...after reading about Samson and Delilah, he misinterpreted the story and thought I was trying to decieve him in some way..SERIOUSLY...I had to CONVINCE him that I wasn't...Oh, there are MANY stories I could share...he used to call me names...that has lessened FOR NOW...He probably falls in and out of love with me daily..It's terrible! He has been married 2 X before me and this is my very first marriage...I'll be checking back...
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| Betty-Ann
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01-24-2008 04:33 AM ET (US)
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Hi Liz, thank you for your message. Yes I am a Christian and I do love my husband that is why I am still married to him. I also treat my husband as a human being, that is also why I am still married to him. You seem to have a husband that will apologise to you, mine never does. He tells me that I am nothing in many ways that I cannot go into here. When I put a message on this site it was a cry for help to see if anyone else has to live as I do. My husband has had to live with this all his life, he has no friends and is very introvert, but he is also oblivious to any of it, as it is completely normal to him. He spends his life being wrapped up in all of his own pet subjects and somewhere - out there - is a little female who is cooking, cleaning, and trying to live a life in my husbabands world. My husband also spends hours on the web and many of the sites are those that -as a Christian - I could divorce him for because it is adultary, need I say more - but I am still here trying to help him and trying to live in this nightmare. My own health has suffered greatly, no matter how hard I try not to let it. As for God wanting me to marry him, after our marriage when things began to go terribly wrong. like saying to a man we met when we were on honeymoon "You should get married again as I did, you need someone to wipe your arse for you when you get old" - (yes he actually said that in my presence whilst I was standing beside him) I remembered the many times when God said NO, but because I loved my husband I disobeyed God and now all I can do is say sorry to God for disobeying him and ask for His forgiveness. I am not going to say any more to you, I am happy for you and hope that as the years go on, you will still feel the same way. Thanks
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| Liz
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01-23-2008 03:45 PM ET (US)
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Wow people,,, you are bagging your husbands as if they werent even real people!
I know how it feels to live with someone who has AS. I married him about 8 months ago now and he is the most amazing person in the world. Yes we argue, yes we strugle with all sorts of random stuff, and yes its very very hard. But that does not mean that I will sit here and say that I would get a divorce if I was not a Christian. God would not of let you marry him if he wasnt the one for you.
Asperger's Syndrome is a disorder, and yes you can help yourself to get through it. The fact is that communication is the most important thing in a marriage. And if you fight with your husband let it go,,, go for a walk and cool off, and you know he will cool off too. If he doesnt show you any affection then its most likely not all his fault. You have to be understanding of this disorder too. Once you both understand it, and learn to deal with it things will get easier.
Now when my husbands sits on the couch and gets mad at something that I said because hes taken it completely out of context, he might say something like "Get out of my house" so I get up without getting upset about it and I go to my room and I say to myself "Its just the Aspergers Talking" because I know that my husband would never say anything like that, he is much more compassionate than that. And after about 5-10 minutes he will enter the room and apologise for the way he reacted and everything will be better. You just need to learn to deal with it yourself.
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| Betty-Ann
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12-17-2007 10:03 AM ET (US)
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Hi Jane, Just got back. Will continue. My husband has had 3 wives prior to me. I knew one was divorced and the other died, but I had not known about wife No 2. Apparently they were married 6 years and whilst he was working away, she moved her daughter in and would not let him back into the house. My husband has 2 children from his 1st marriage who behave in the same way as he does. I have a feeling that I could be anyone, so long as he has someone around. I know that if I was not a Christian, I would not stay in this marriage. I tell you these things as they are my experience, not to advise you. Take care.
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| Betty-Ann
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12-17-2007 05:59 AM ET (US)
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Hi Jane, Only you can decide whether to stay married. From my own experience, it does not get better. My husband is now bringing items back from the council dump. I actually wish I had never met him, then I would not have such a broken heart.... At this time I do not know if our marriage will continue as I myself am up against the same brick wall. Have to go now, but will pray for you.
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| Jane
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12-15-2007 12:09 AM ET (US)
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I am so relieved to read some of these messages. I have been with my partner for 3 years and love him....but he has so many unusual behaviours that I could not understand...until today. I have been researching Asperger's Syndrome for 3 hours and have become convinced that is what he has got. Reading your messages confirms it for me. What Betty-Ann wrote is exactly my partner. How do I convince him to have a formal diagnosis? If he understands that this is what he has and seeks some help in social skilling etc., will things get better? We are considering having a baby and I am scared that things will get worse. Do they? If I leave him, it will destroy him as I know (even though he doesn't/can't show it) that he loves me and gets lonely and depressed without me. What would the people who are in a marriage with an Asperger's person say to me? Get out now while I can, or work on learning how to deal/cope with him?
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| Betty-Ann
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09-22-2007 01:35 PM ET (US)
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Hi, Betty-Ann here re the message previous. I tried to edit the message for spelling error, but the system woudn't let me, said I was at a different computer, which I am not as I have only just posted it. Never mind. Neither is it the time it states, and I am in UK, not US. Just to keep the facts straight. I haven't got much patience at the moment so maybe I shouldn't worry about little points like this, but I like things tidy and correct if possible. Hope someone can help anyway. Thanks.
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| Betty-Ann
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09-22-2007 01:21 PM ET (US)
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I am so stressed. I don't know how much longer I can go on with this situation. My husband of 6 yrs has Aspergers Syndrome. I didn 't know when we married. I began noticing 3 days after our wedding when he couldn't find his car keys. The way he reacted then and the many other situations since, plus the nose picking, scab picking, letting wind anywhere, burping, sensitivity to light, sound, smells and touch. His dictatorial way of speaking, his lack of showing any emotion, his imaturity and lack of sex and O so many other things are all listed on the AS charts. Our house has become like Stepto & son (remember them). Seriously, I cannot let anyone come and visit it is so embarrassing. He cannot get rid of anything. Even old newspapers. I am totally going crazy, and he won't mention it no matter how I try to approach the subject. We cannot get up the stairs because of clutter, we cannot get to our cupboards in the kitchen because of clutter, we cannot get into our spare room because everything (clutter) is piled nearly to the ceiling, th cuboards are overflowing, there are clothes and "things" everywhere, even in the loo. All this plus a lock up which he pays £200+ each month for and never goes over there, plus 3 full to the brim sheds in the garden and the loft crammed full. I had better stop here. There is so much. I feel lonely, and unloved and he is incapable of any understanding. He also spends all his very excellent wages on anything and everything, not me I might add. He is an aircraft engineer and very intelligent.
Where can I get help. I need a mediator to help me break through. I love him, but I just don't know how to copy. Please can anyone advise?
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| roxy
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07-03-2007 11:28 AM ET (US)
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my husband has as i really loved him sadly my marriage didnt work out we were married for almost 2 years, he got his mother too involved and she broke us apart i still love him with all my heart but now because of his mother he hates me for reasons i really dont understand. word of advice for anyone thats dating or planning on marrying someone with as. make sure their parents are not over involved in your husband or wifes life because if not then the same thing that happend to me will happen to you
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| Married to a man with AS
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03-18-2007 07:59 AM ET (US)
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My husband and I have been married 10 years. He is 35 years old. His mother works with people who have AS. She is totally convienced that my husband has it as well. I have been doing alot of reasearch and I also believe he does. We have told him about AS, but he says he doesn't have all of the signs. He is a walking,talking brain, very very intelligent. He is an Engineer. But he lacks some social graces. He thinks it is "ok" to sit around in his underwear at home, even if company is coming over. He yells at the TV. I mean yells. When he is driving he screams at the people around him. If he has to pass gas in the grocery store, he just does it. There are so many other things that I could mention, but what I am truly interested in knowing, is how do I deal with all of these issues? We fight EVERY single day. It's his way or no way. He wont' even listen to me. I love him with all of my heart, but dealing with him is getting harder and harder. I want to save my marriage. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
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| Aletha
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07-21-2006 03:29 PM ET (US)
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Excellent work. Very nice to see someone taking so much interest and pain on such an intresting subject. great work!! Visit ortho tri cyclen treatment webpage devoted to ortho tri cyclen treatment. atacand side effects webpage devoted to atacand side effects. too! |
| Pete
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12-27-2005 08:32 PM ET (US)
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Deleted by author 02-04-2006 08:20 PM
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| Heidi
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12-04-2005 10:15 PM ET (US)
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I am a teacher in an "AI(Autistically Impaired)room" reviewing a website that linked me to this discussion page. I have met(and worked or still work with)several students identified with Asperger's Syndrome. I do find the diagnosis to be quite subjective, at least in the school district I work in. However, I do always try to look at the student and his/her strengths and needs---rather than at the "label." I really enjoy my students and their enthusiasm for special topics they are interested in.
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| Amber
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10-26-2005 07:27 PM ET (US)
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Hi everyone. Im looking for some advice. My boyfriend has been diganosed with AS. I just wanted to kno if there is anything I can do to make it easier, or understand. I really wanna know as much as I can so I can be more supportive of him. If anyone can help me, I'd appreciate it.
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| jmcdermid
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05-05-2005 11:01 PM ET (US)
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I have a 9 year old son. He has not been offically diagnosed with A.S. or autism. His school and our family know he has this and is being helped. It's just nice to know that I'm not alone as a parent with a child who has this. I just wanted to let everyone in contact with this page to know how you have helped me and his father. THANK YOU!!!!
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| lkestes
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03-17-2005 10:39 PM ET (US)
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My 18 year old son found out last year that he isn't just
ADHD but he is now and probably always has been Asperger's
Syndrome as well. I read a book by Tony Attwood and kept thinking to myself, how does this guy know my son. I have never felt that anyone understood my son until now.
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| charlie
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12-02-2004 10:14 PM ET (US)
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Wow ginga great links!!!
"Autism is not an impenetrable wall
You try to relate to your autistic child, and the child doesn't respond. He doesn't see you; you can't reach her; there's no getting through. That's the hardest thing to deal with, isn't it? The only thing is, it isn't true.
Look at it again: You try to relate as parent to child, using your own understanding of normal children, your own feelings about parenthood, your own experiences and intuitions about relationships. And the child doesn't respond in any way you can recognize as being part of that system"
". It's as if you tried to have an intimate conversation with someone who has no comprehension of your language. Of course the person won't understand what you're talking about, won't respond in the way you expect, and may well find the whole interaction confusing and unpleasant.
It takes more work to communicate with someone whose native language isn't the same as yours. And autism goes deeper than language and culture; autistic people are "foreigners" in any society. You're going to have to give up your assumptions about shared meanings. You're going to have to learn to back up to levels more basic than you've probably thought about before, to translate, and to check to make sure your translations are understood. You're going to have to give up the certainty that comes of being on your own familiar territory, of knowing you're in charge, and let your child teach you a little of her language, guide you a little way into his world. "
.."If that prospect excites you, then come join us, in strength and determination, in hope and in joy. The adventure of a lifetime is ahead of you."
gabriela,
I'm not sure if I know any aspies, but I am interested in learning more!
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| Coral Rhedd
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12-02-2004 10:13 PM ET (US)
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Yes, I am pretty sure a family member has it. She gets really obsessive about facts and misses many people cues. You would never know it to look at her because she is very beautiful and fashion conscious. But something is a little off. She has the basic social skills: Smile, handshake, appear to be listening. Eventually it will strike you however. If you are not interested in the subjects she's interested in then she's not really interested. But wow what a memory for the small details of her obsessions: sci-fi and nutrition are her latest.
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| Kim
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12-02-2004 10:13 PM ET (US)
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One of my dearest friends has a son with A.S. He's in my son's class and does really well I"m told that many of her friends don't like her bringing her son to their house's; but, he's always welcome at my house. I honestly don't see a whole lot of difference between Ben and my kids except he's maybe just a little more serious, no joking with him or it breaks his heart.
__________________
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. Dalai Lama
The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie-deliberate, contrived and dishonest-but, the myth-perisistent, persuasive and unrealistic. John F. Kennedy
ADHD is my advantage NOT my disability.
I will be your softest touch, your strongest pillar, your loudest voice.
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