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Edited by author 08-28-2007 01:07 PM
I am new to this site. I actually need some help/encouragement/advice from anyone that can help. I am 23yrs old and will be 23wks pregnant on Friday. I didn't intend to get pregnant but I did and I am enjoying every day of it for the most part. The father of the baby and I have a very strained relationship now because I wouldn't terminate like he wanted. He only responds to me via text message when he feels like it. I just recently saw him after 7wks. He asked me to take my shirt off. He rubbed my belly twice but the look that was on his face was hurt/disbelief. It hurt me to see that look on his face beacause of a decision that I made. I sometimes wish that he would be as active a participant in the pregnancy as he is in the act that got me pregnant. I know he won't be around so how do I deal with being a young, single mom?

First of all...congratulations and kudos on your bravery at doing this even with the knowledge that you'd primarily be the caregiver. I will not front and say it'd be easy...it will be rough but at the end you'd be glad you made this decision. upport is essential! Do you have sisters, family, friends? You'd need people around to show you love during this awesome time. Confidently let the sperm-donor know you're going all the way, with or without him. Set boundaries! He needs to realize he is a dad-to-be and if he does not face reality soon, reality would be facing him. Take care of you. Make your prenatal appts. Do you belong to any church or religious affiliation? They can also be a source of support. Pls post often to let me know how you're doing -I have 3 girls, ages 9, 4, 1 but luckily their Dad is involved.

Edited by author 08-28-2007 04:29 PM
Wow...three girls, I don't know how I'll do it with my one. I have always told him that I was going to do it with or without him. In fact when I told him I was pregnant I told him that his involvement from this point on is up to him. I do have sisters but the live in GA. I live in PA (the donor in NY). People keep saying that I should move near my sisters but my dad and grandmother are in NY so I won't be moving unless I can get them to move too. I knew that he didn't want to have any more kids (he has a daughter already, age 5) but I didn't think he would react like this. I'm not some girl that he met a few months ago, we were together for four years. I have been making and going to all my appts. I have even invited him to come and he told me I was torturing him because he doesn't want this baby. I don't belong to a church but I think that I will find a church home soon.

Am glad to hear you have support. Hang in there. Another email addy for me is ebony.naija@gmail.com

 I am in CA which is like a world away but I will be sending lots of positive vibes and prayers your way.

What do I do when I get to the point there I feel like my daughter has been cheated because I didn't want to terminate and her father isn't around. He has said several times that he will not be around for her but he also won't sign a paternity release. If he feels burdened like he doesn't want her and can't support us, why won't he sign it? I have never asked him to support me but I think he feels like it may be his duty as a man and father. What do I do then?

I honestly think that as difficult as it may be not to have a father at home, it does not mean that her life would not be worth living. I hope you'd be able to find men who can be father-figures in her life.

The child support is not for you, it is for your daughter and she should not be cheated out of her right. He really needs to be responsible and may think twice about having a third child if he starts feeling the pinch in his pocket. Also, he may end up feeling connected when the child is here, outside the womb versus a being he does not see. He needs to search within himself why he is not willing to sign the release. He needs to grow up!

Whatever the case, please try not to have regrets about not terminating. It seems daunting but people have done it successfully before and it will be the same for you!

Edited by author 08-30-2007 11:23 PM
I hoped for the father-figure too close to home but my father doesn't really support my decision. On the same hand he understood (or made it seem) that it was my decision and I have to deal/live with it. I did find that figure in a friend of mine here. His girlfriend is due two days before me. The other side of that is while our kids will be the same age I don't want my daughter to be confused or feel rejected when she's old enough to understand that her dad isn't around.

I don't want the donor to support us (financially). That is one thing I definately have to give my dad props for. He made it so I don't want to have to depend on anyone for money. My dad is awful with money. The donor keeps saying that he wants to be able to support us. At the present moment he is unemployed. I told him he has to get himself back on his feet and not to make me a priority. He said nothing else is more important than me. I think the overall concensus is that he needs to grow up.

I don't think that its a regret but a nagging question. Did I make the right decision for her? I kept her but she has no father. I got pregnant five years ago and when the + and - showed up I knew I wasn't going to terminate. My dad made me terminate then and I live with the shoulda, coulda, woulda, everyday. I wasn't doing it twice. I know it can be done. I just hope that I have enough support for those rough days.

"The other side of that is while our kids will be the same age I don't want my daughter to be confused or feel rejected when she's old enough
to understand that her dad isn't around."

I totally understand your concerns re:the above quote. For a child, if the 2 girls are raised together in close proximity and with the same father/father-figure, the time would come when she would be old enough to realize the other child means more to the guy than she does.....we don't want her on Oprah in the future scarred for life because of the feelings of rejection :-) How do you know that by the time she gets older, (4-5) you would not have fallen in love for real and she would have her very own Dad? My motto in life is expect and hope for the best but plan for the worst.

I respect your decision to not have the donor support her. It would be good for him to put something aside on his own, just a sign of being a responsible adult, but....if wishes were horses beggars would ride!

Are you still seeing him? I'm not saying you should cut him out of your life but the boundaries need to be clearly set. He really needs to understand where you stand on issues. Does he plan to be around for the birth? Is he still hoping to continue to see you/be intimate with you after the birth? All these things need to be discussed if they have not been dealt with because with a child on the way, conscious living is the name of the game. Do you still love him? You would be setting yourself up for emotional and psychological distress if he continues his on again/off again antics during this hormonally emotional-charged time in your life. Let him know a lady in California is ardently praying he grows up and wises up fast!

Edited by author 08-31-2007 12:25 PM
Oprah is definately the way we don't want to go. I don't know that I won't be with someone wonderful but then the question becomes - do you bring the child around him and when? I was in a relationship for maybe three years with a guy and his son. When we parted ways I couldn't have cared less about J, I was more concerned for his son. We tried to keep things as steady as possible but it became too much for me. I don't want to do that to my daughter.

As far as the donor, I saw him intimately last weekend. That was after 7wks apart. I don't think that it has ever been that long between hanging out or visits. I wouldn't cut him out only because it's our relationship that failed not theirs. I have told him that I would not stop him from seeing her, she's his child too (want her or not). I haven't set up boundaries on my end. He seems to think that if we don't speak than everything will go away. I feel like he's pushed back from me. I called him yesterday to ask him to visit for my birthday this weekend, he didn't answer the phone. He called back while I was in class. I called him after class and told him it was a mistake that I called. He got upset and asked if I was playing with him. I told him no I intentionally called him but realized after that that I shouldn't have. (I can't get past him if he keeps laying in my bed!) I asked him if I had the right to ask him to do things for me. He said yea, I guess. I told him I didn't feel the same way and hung up. Where ever we end up I need it to be consistant. Either we're on or we're off but the back and forth isn't good for me. He says we're off but he still wants to sleep with me and I let him. I have to stop that! I don't honestly know what he is planning after the baby is born. He doesn't know it's a girl. He doesn't want her to have his last name and he doesn't plan on signing the birth certificate. I really don't see his purpose. It is his choice to forge a relationship with her or not.

Am no prude but must ask if you are using protection. I don't think he's being exclusive with you and I'd hate for you to end up with a STD.....okay, let me get off my safe sex soapbox.

It is so essential not to introduce your daughter to the new guy, whenever he shows up, until your'e pretty sure he's the one (in my humble opinion). It is like they say wait b4 letting your parents meet the guy, I think with kids it is even more important to avoid a revolving door scenario.

Well, pregnant women do get horny....been there done that. The only concern is the emotional vulnerability. If you can bear it, I mean the off and on again relationship, I guess then you'd be able to deal with it. If it would be an issue, it may be best to avoid such dalliances. Okay, am not being honest, if you were my sis, cousin or close friend I'd say....stop it already! If the lines keep being blurred he'd keep sleeping with you, running off, coming back, hanging around, running away... and the cycle continues. Have a lovely labor day weekend!

I hope you enjoyed your holiday weekend olay.

I do sometimes think that maybe he isn't only sleeping with me and no we don't use protection. I think the only reason that I do continue to sleep with him is to satify the extra horny periods of the pregnancy. I wouldn't ask another man to do it only because that brings a whole other factor into an already crazy situation. I have given thought to moving again but with aging relatives I don't think I can really do it. I had a really rough morning thinking about what is the right thing to do. I feel lost as to whether or not I am making the right decision for my daughter. Ultimately I am all she has and I have to do what's best for her.

My weekend was lovely, thanks. I really sense your confusion and pray you get some peace of mind soon. I guess if you can't stop being intimate with him and use protection that'd be better than nothing. Would he mind if you asked him to wear condoms? You may still pay for the physical trysts in emotional currency though. Please, no new relationships as far as sex goes :-)

As they say during airplane rides, if you have a baby or child with you, make sure to put on your oxygen mask before trying to put one on the baby. It is the same with your situation, if you make the best choice for you, it ultimately would benefit your baby. I don't think you need to make a drastic change like moving, remember you need the support and running away never solves the problem at hand. Learning and growing through this difficulty makes for a stronger you. Take a deep breath, it will be well.

Edited by author 09-04-2007 02:29 PM
I know that I never insisted we use condoms after I told him and I have thought about it, so I asked him today. He said I'm already pregnant right what would that do now? Why didn't I say to use them before I got pregnant?
Sometimes habits are hard to break. I don't know that sex with him will even be an issue at this point. He is still very upset about the fact that I kept the baby. Sex with someone else is more than I can handle.

The move would be for support. I live in PA by myself. My dad is in NY (as is the donor) but he isn't really on board with my decision. I don't think he will be that helpful. My grandmother is nearing her 80's (and lives in NY too), she doesn't drive as much anymore and she only feels comfortable driving in familiar areas. I wouldn't put that on her. Her own kids have done it to her for years. In GA, I have both my sisters who are supportive of my decision having both been in the same situation. Both of their husbands have the big brother thing down especially when it comes to me. They are more then willing to be the figure that my daughter needs. I have a bunch of friends there already. I don't think it's running I think it's being comfortable. I wouldn't go because of my dad and Grandmother. He helps her write out her bills but I am authorized on his accounts should something happen to him. I have a responsibility to myself, my daughter and them. It feels like a tug of war that I can't win.

Now I get it, I thought you were thinking of moving to get away from him. The story sure sounds complicated but you seem to make out the important facts e.g. moving closer to your sisters who are younger and would be more helpful. By the way, the condom is to avoid std's, it is worth the investment, I believe. The baby is a blessing, herpes, chlamydia, warts and hiv are not.

Hi Olay,

I hope that you have been having a good couple of weeks. Just wanted to let you know that we are doing well. I had two decent conversations with the donor. While we haven't come to any definate conclusions as to if he will be an active participant, we have gotten a lot off our chest and out into the open. I hope all is well over in California and that you and the girls are well. Enjoy your weekend and I'll talk to you later.