Edited by author 01-14-2004 11:55 AM
I'm not exactly sure as what to write here, that is whether we had an assigned topic or not. However, I will write that after reading the intro to minding the body, I have become aware of the stereotypes that women have been put through. Specifically, a grandmother or mother. Times have changed some and I think we have started to break the traditional stereotyping mold, but I was aware of the stereotype before reading the intro. I just never gave any thought to what other alternative life a woman could have had. Seeing Aunt Bea on television was normal. I never gave thought to the choices she was denied and that goes for the women I know or have seen that have fallen into this category.

after reading Nancy Mairs' "Carnal Acts," i was floored by her ability to describe these things in such an uncensored, raw, and descriptive way. this story was amazing to me. through her story, i developed a deep sense of gratitude that i am fuctional, that i have two eyes, ten toes and fingers and can walk and pee correctly. i honestly cannot imagine such inner struggle. but nancy mairs is such a voice of strength and inspiration. this isnt to say that this piece is particularly uplifting, but it is real and thats what women need to start doing- being real, being honest, and neglecting societal views of shame and guilt, no apologies and no disclaimers.

I am writing in regards as to what I chose to focus my discussion on in my journal topic for minding the body in the introduction. Basically, I was fascinated by the fact that as time changes and moves on societal biases still remain the same wether they are of equal or lesser degrees. But most importantly I felt that in responding to this particular piece of literature that at the root of all voices their is a single body desperately seeking attention and acceptance from the outside world. Unfortunately, the body's sense of belonging is subject to the oppressive voice of the media. Thus, in this case what should be emphasized as two voices ultimately becomes one.

Personally, the essay that gave me the most to ponder on from an intellectual/philosophical standpoint was Atwood's "The Female Body." (I adore Atwood's novels, and happily, have now found that I love her nonfiction writing as well.) In "The Female Body," Atwood presents the vignette about the Great Barbie Debate and the parents' relieved reaction when they find Barbie tatooed, punked out, and thrown. What struck me about this is that this girl took a nonfeminist pop-culture icon and reimagined her for her own needs and desires. I think this brings up the question of creative resistance. If we're being bombarded with all of these messages about the body from our consumerist society, what are some creative ways we can subvert the messages we're given and create our own meanings? I hope that this topic of creative subversion/insurrection/resistance is a thread of discourse that we can continue throughout the course.

 "The Story of My Body" by Judith Ortiz Cofer dealt with many complex and controversial topics including dating outside your race, color prejudice, segregation, and callous, racial slurs but the best story she wrote of was about getting the chicken pox. "[Her] entire body, including the inside of [her] ears and between [her] toes was covered in pustules" that she picked at and "scrathed off [her] face" leaving scars in her skin. I got the feeling from this story that she wanted to scratch off her face every day she woke up as if she was born with a disease called "Peurto Rican." I also enjoyed how the author used a personal encounter as innocent as getting the chicken pox to illustrate to the reader how it feels to be "different" than everyone around. You realize, "I remember when I had the chicken pox and no one was allowed to hang out with me or wanted to be near me...that's what Judith Ortiz must have felt like her whole childhood..." "The Story of My Body" put a lot of things in perspective and helped with realizations.

While completing our class readings, I became intrigued by Connie Porter's essay, "Beauty and the Beast." This intrigue stemmed not only from this piece's reference to a childhood fairy tale, but also from its attempt to redefine the notion of "the beast." Porter states, "I had bowed down to the great beast of fashion..."(177), "The beast was no match for me. I had defeated it again" (178), Remembering those struggles is not just stopping to gaze at some embarrassing moments in my quest to please the beast"(179), and "It is easy to blame the beast, to hate it"(181). What is the beast? Is it the societal constructs which dominate the minds and actions of women--especially in their youth? Is the beast a metaphor for the unattainable expectations and standards which seem to swallow women's individuality and encourage them to disappear? Is the beast representative of how our society places too much emphasis on appearance and outer beauty, diminishing the beauty of the soul? This question of what comprises the "beast" is not something that I can answer--perhaps it is not meant to be answered. But it has spurred me to question what "beasts" dominate my definitions and standards of femininity working in my own life.

The reading that has so far impacted me so far was "Mirrors". Actually, it was not even the main part of the story that got me, it was something discussed early on and very briefly. I felt so sorry for her as a child when she learned to equate crying with being brave. I learned the same thing as child, but from my siblings rather than the adults in my life. I am just amazed that it seems so easy for people to silence children like that. I hurt me to read the story and think that today, though I think society emphasizes this more with men, people are still taught at young ages that crying is a sign of weakness.

I believe that "Mirrors" is a terrifically written account of self-acceptance. I really identified with the author in that she often lost herself in books specifically Kafka whom I also enjoy a great deal. I also really enjoyed the essay "Beauty and the Beast" in that it really brought forth the dehuminization that is our culture. It demonstrated just how powerful body image is in all our lives. Corporate America plays a large part in this by not only grossly objectifying women but by also setting a standard for beauty.

While driving home from class this morning, I found myself thinking about what we had discussed in class. Then on the radio I heard Linkin Park's "Crawling" and I love this song. But hearing after this class made me realize more about the song than I ever thought was in the lyrics. I've known that the song has many deeper issues in it than what may be heard on first listen, but this was the first time that I actually thought about how the words could be describing the feelings that some of the essays were trying to portray. I think that it relates very well to "Mirrors" and this maybe because in the video for the song, in which a girl is examining herself in the mirror. She seems much more than her actual reflection. She sees all the things about her which she hates and which are haunting her. What I find really interesting though is how the song was written by a man and yet the video was portraying the underlying issues of how a woman sees herself. I found that the lyrics are really personal but something that I found myself saying "Me too, Me too" so here they are:

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming/confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never-ending
Controlling/I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
Without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced
That theres just too much pressure to take
I've felt this way before
So insecure
Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting/reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem...

Hair and butts are such a big deal in the lives of African American women (although I can not speak for them all). I can not say that I had the same experiences as the author in “Beauty and the Beast” but that part really stuck out for me. Society teaches us that being thin is required for beauty but in the African American community it is just the opposite. Having a round shapely butt is a must. I was always in search of this big booty but never quite got one myself. I did not know whether to be angry because I was the only person in my family who had not been blessed with junk in the trunk or to be happy because I was thin. Where one society accepted for my thin frame, I was often rejected because of it, being accused of starving myself, not eating enough cornbread, etc. But the very society, who accepted me for my build, rejected me for my hair. I always had long hair growing up, which I either had straightened or relaxed (made permanently straight my chemical use). Both were extremely painful rituals but nappy hair does not sit well with the Beast. Growing up, girls often ridiculed me because my hair was long and said that I was trying to be white. Oddly enough, when I got to college and decided to chop it all off and go natural, these same girls accused me of being crazy, stupid, and unappreciative of the long haired blessing that I had received. I just feel like as a black female, I could never befriend the Beast. It would always be something about me that he would not like.I would always be too short, nappy, overconfident, scarred, or dark. I still sometimes do not know which way to turn. Which side is right? Either way I choose, I will be selling out someone or giving off the wrong message. I like what Grealy wrote about needing to shed images and discover the truth,(although temporary). I like the fact that my image is mine to change and play with and embrace if I choose. That is so much fun to me. I like to walk past a group of people and ahve them stare because they don't understand what they see. Looking the same is boring. I enjoy looking in mirrors, watching for the changes. I do not always like what I find but the suspense of what I might find always excites me. Maybe that’s weird. What she wrote about truth changing is so reassuring because it lets me know that which ever way that I choose as my truth is fine b/c it will change also. Whatever is in style now is going to change along with the values of others. So why injure my scalp or self esteem for someone else's inconsistences. Nothing is permanent. Isn’t that so exciting and true all in itself?

  I would like to pose something more profound here, but seeing's how the deadline's approaching am deciding to take an easier, more humorous track:
 "Carnal Acts" reminded me of the two months I spent in a wheelchair back in late summer-early fall of 2001. While I never had the indignity of having people talk about me as though I wasn't really there--or referring to me in the third person--I did have a few illuminating moments during my tenure as a "handicapped" hostage.
  I refer not only to experiencing things from the physically-challenged perspective of someone chairbound, but as to the way in which my physical limitations were extrapolated into other channels--mainly by people who truly thought they were being kind and considerate.
  The best example of this occurred at EPCOT in Florida; my then-partner and I had already planned the trip, and she was willing to push me around (how's THAT for double-entendre?); we flew on Sep. 10th, 2001, just as a side-note.
  Anyway, I had to use the restroom, and she wanted to buy some film, so we decided to meet back by a certain kiosk. Well, somehow or other, our signals got crossed, and I ended up sitting all alone in my chair by that damn kiosk for almost a half-hour before she finally remembered we were going to meet back there! While I waited, I had several people come up and ask if I was lost; if I wanted my family paged, and--best of all--if I was hungry and/or thirsty because the oh-so-kind lady said I looked like I could use a sandwich!!!
  While this is certainly not as traumatic or demeaning as Nancy Mairs's accounts, I do feel my comparatively brief chair stint made her plight all the more understandable and commiserable to me.

As I shared in class today, Beauty and the Beast really hit home for me because I remember a time when I was a size 7 wearing those tight Levi and Sasoon jeans. My friends and I would trade jeans to get the tightest fit possible. I remember walking as though I had pieces of cardboard plastered to my legs and not being able to exhale, God forbid eat anything, for sure the zipper would have busted. At first I thought it was cute, getting all that attention from the boys and all my friends commenting on how nice I looked, etc. I've always been a person that liked clothes and affordable fashion, not that runway model stuff. But, one day something in me clicked. I had to stop and think, why do these boys like me? Why do my friends like me? Is it because I fit into the mode set by society. I finally realized that society and the media were pulling my strings. Maybe some of you remember the song "Brick House" by the Commodores

Ow, she's a Brick House
she's mighty mighty
and let it all hang out. . .
36, 24, 36, . . .

In the African American culture, the things that are acceptable big butts, hips, and chest but still on a small frame were looked upon as she has it going on. But in the average American culture these features were not viewed as acceptable. If you were 5'6" and over, long hair, with long, slim legs, perfectly round boobs, a small waistline with flat abs, and a little caboose, give yourself a party your deemed as acceptable in the worlds eyes. Women have to be taught to love themselves exactly the way they are. Don't be afraid to look yourself in the mirror and say to yourself, I love me, you go girl. Noone can love you better than you. We have to stop letting men, other women and society dictate who and how we should be. We don't have to be influenced by anybody but ourselves. We have to empower ourselves and be confident in who we are. Take control and love you.

Sorry for the tardiness of this message! My computer/ internet has not been cooperating, so I hope this is still okay.
The readings have moved me to think about a lot of things in my life and how I can change/ improve them. The "Mirror" piece was profound in showing how critical we all are of ourselves and how obsessed we then become of the flaws we criticize- whatever they might be. Most of what we think are flaws are traits that we cannot change, yet we are consumed by them and try everything in our power to correct them and in turn perfecting ourselves- so we think. But nothing is never enough. We are overly critical of our bodies and appearances and there will always be something wrong. If one thing subsists, another thing arises. It is a vicious cycle we put ourselves through and does not seem likely that it will ever really stop. It also made me think of the things that I supposedly think are wrong with my body and appearance. The mirror to me then becomes a tool that serves only to magnify discrepancies rather than affirm the beauty that is already there. I avoid looking in mirrors too much because my eyes go straight to my "problem areas" if I linger long enough. As long as I am not looking like a walking disaster, I try not to even care what I look like through the course of the day and that means no mirrors, no reflective windows- nada. When I take this attitude nothing seems to matter- everything is okay- flaws and all. It is a relief to not have to worry about what the mirror is going to show me, in terms of what I think may be wrong with the reflection. This is liberating, but then there are always those times when I scrutinize myself. And for what? I really don't know- society, myself, men. Nothing seems to be quite the whole answer. So in the meantime, no matter how much we don't want to admit it- the cycle continues.