Why would our great leader withdraw a messageboard posting after a fortnight? I think we should be told! Anyway, many thanks to all those foot soldiers who allowed the officer class to prevail in the game last Sunday. Lest they forget...........

I say! That Greenwich Park was a dashed difficult spot to get to, don't you know! Worse still, it was full of riff-raff, what, what. Had to send my beater out to clear some of the wretches orf. This is what you get for mixing with the proles.

Rest assured mr worried, nature and gravity have taken their course. mr ubender will be pelased to know that the plumbing coped more than adequately.

Mister Dane has passed 2000 runs for West XI, but have his bowels moved yet?

Malta is sorted, RGV, with 40-over games scheduled for Sat and Sun commencing 10.30 a.m. - lunch (as opposed to tea) between innings. This will all cost us a cool 400 of the continental euros, so match fees may be increased temporarily. Members should refer to their tour leaders for travel arrangements - ref. Phil Hill's email dated 27/12/07.

What about Malta? It's now M-10 and we need to know!

60 is the new 40!

I simply thought he was "on the turn" and a candidate for my show!

Quite right. Skip, welcome to the Old Gits Eleven.

Clearly the Alice band is another manifestation of the wearer's railing against incipient menopause. It is interesting that virtually in the same sentence he mentions his 40th birthday, which is clearly looming large in his subconscious. It is up to his team mates, many of whom have gone past their menopause into second childhood, to offer support and make him realise that this is just an phase of life to be embraced (careful now!) with enthusiam, rather than denied with transparent attempts to recapture his youth.

Accoutrement, s'il vous plait, n'est-ce pas? Parlez vous Chav? You English are a bunch of girls! I never think about yesterday.

"Accrutruemonts" is the worst attempt at written French I have ever seen. Also "soiree" should be "soirée." Mon dieu!

In defence of the Captain, accrutruemonts of this nature are of a purely practical nature and essential when dealing with the pacey lightening bolts sent down during recent net practices as bruises will testify. Should anyone wish to continue these discussions an opportunity will arise on saturday June 7th when the Captain will be hosting an all day and evening soiree to celebrate his FORTHCOMING 40th birthday at Manor Park mansions - please mark your diaries accordingly - no wigs or hats necessary!!

'Ello,'ello,'ello! With regard to the last message we should like to assure the public that crimes of this nature are taken very seriously indeed. If you know of a 40-year-old man seen wearing an Alice band do not hesitate to contact us immediately. Your call will be treated as confidential. Evening all.

I'm very sad to have to report the news that our venerated captain was observed wearing an Alice band at cricket practice last night! What is the world coming to? Oh for the days when men were men and women had babies and did the washing-up!

Co-incidentally, what was unusual about the three goalscorers in the recent Carling Cup Final? Yes, you've guessed it - just a moment while I adjust my Alice band/hair before I take this free kick/penalty/go up for a corner. We're all going to hell in a hand-cart!