You must've used too high a UV facor. That, or your perfect tan (26 Sept) has faded very quickly, white boy.

In a book shop today i heard someone tell someone the title of a book he'd just noticed: "Ducks. And How to Make Them Pay."

The picture shows someone floating face forward. He is wearing a T-shirt. Both these things prevent nipples from pointing upwards into the air. I think that this photo is a fraud, like the one that shows Lee Harvey Oswald holding a gun, which everyone knows was tampered with bythe CIA. Or maybe the photo is genuine and your account has been tampered with in some sinister way. What REALLY happened on Friday?

Ray, you're a worldly guy. How did I think I could get away with it. The weird thing was, the old bloke dangling his arse over the water was Michael Barrymore (touting for passing trade I think).

You've let your mask fall, Michael. I KNEW it was you. All that stuff about approaching redundancy is just an extended metaphor for the impending death of your once dazzling show-biz career. That 3rd person reference to yourself, full of self-loathing. It all makes sense. I wondered why you didnt post any blogs for a long while. That was when you were doing that show at the Wyndham's, and were too busy, wasn't it? Tragic the way the critics mauled you so mercilessly. But how will a man with your expensive tastes survive on £54 a week?

Edited by author 15-12-2003 21:11
Dammit Ray. I tried. God knows, I tried. But you're right, I do feel like an old man dangling his backside over a pool. And you know, Ray, this pool used to be full of game young men, fun-lovers who welcomed my rich ass with open legs. Then it all changed, the waters of celebrity turned bad, the boys stopped coming and soon the water was infested by sharks. Sharks with legs and steel toe-capped boots on. So now, if they're not tearing chunks out of me, they're kicking my sorry butt right out of the water. I can't even afford rehab any more. The only people who still find me funny are the staff at the job centre. They laugh every time I go in.

Well an old showman like you really feeds on laughter, so i suppose your soul will thrive at the job centre, even when you have to drag your bitten and bruised ass to the soup kitchen.

If my complex calculations are correct, your blog will actually be redundant as well as yourself after Friday. Will you be ending with a whimper or can you summon up the energy for a bang? Or will From Here to Redundancy be transformed and appear in another guise? From Here to Indignity, perhaps...

I am sorry to inform you that Raymond passed away this morning at about 8:30am. He was 46 years old, unmarried, and for the past 5 months had been living in a cleverly disguised hole in an ornamental flower bed in Regent's Park. In his will, which was written on the back of a packet of Kosher Chicken Soup Mix, he specified that his ashes were to be strewn over Michael Barrymore's swimming pool. It is not believed that anyone will mourn his passing as he was notoriously bitchy.

who would have guessed ???

Edited by author 22-12-2003 11:45
EC1M - are you talking to me? Raymondo's grieving neice, executrix and (eventually) biographer? Or to the now redundant blogger who must henceforth spend his empty days watching the damp drip down his bed-sit walls, eating cold baked beans out of the tin?

Thanks a bunch. I am a Weisel, and I take umbrage at your suggestion that I'm some sort of bloody rat that a low-life sales executive will become when he's re-incarnated. I'm also a sales executive and am annoyed about the weasel jibe. AND I was born on November 4th, so guess what? I'm a Scorpio. You hit the jackpot, pal!

"Taken by surprise" - yes. "Came as a surprise" - fine. But "came by surprise"? Well, if it means anything, doesn't it suggest premature ejaculation? Not, I think, what you were intending...

Cheers

DD