I'm delighted but also surprised. I thought I had no shot at the winner's circle! First of all because Brittney is a discerning woman and thus not easily entertained, as Edgeling said earlier.

Second, because I never thought the ruling that dong_resin had forfeited his eligibility to play in this league would stand up in court.

I figured that if I was going to lose, I might as well do so spectacularly. So when Brittney hinted that anybody who refrained from mentioning her ass, Avril Lavigne, or Star Wars would receive a freebie bonus, akin to the 400 points one gets on the SAT for signing one's name, my mission became clear: whatever else my entry did, it absolutely had to mention Brittney's ass, Avril Lavigne, and Star Wars.

I'm very pleased to be sharing the prize with Edgeling! Being of quite meager artistic ability myself, I'm happy to share the top podium with someone of true talent.

I'd also like to thank my agent . . .

[cue orchestra]

And I want to give thanks to the one above, who makes all things possible--

(looks skyward and jabs index finger directly overhead)

--that lighting guy on the catwalk, who makes sure my good side is illuminated at all times! And special thanks to my dear Mo--

[cut to commercial]

Yaaay!!!

I win, I win, I win!

I don't lose, I win!

.............oh, hell.