I am always hesitant to add my posts to this space, because I feel that it is a teacher-free space and you are on your own to say whatever you like. However, I feel that my imput at this time might be warranted and might serve this discussion well.

I was abused verbally, physically, and sexually as a child. My mother did absolutely nothing to help me. In fact, my step-father would take me into another room while she played board games with my aunt in the kitchen. They could both hear me screaming but did nothing at all to make him stop what he was doing. I never got over my mom's inaction. I hated her for letting him hurt me. He never hit my mother or my brother.

Once I left home at 16, I didn't look back until I divorced my extremely abusive husband at 18. I had no place to go but home. My mother and I were on very stressful terms, but eventually we were able to meet in a place where we could get along. Several years ago, I asked her why she let him hurt me. Why he did all of these mean things to me, yet never touched my brother. Below is a paraphrase of what she said.

"At first I thought that he would get it out of his system when he beat you. I thought he would stop. But then he didn't and I was afraid if I stepped in, he would hurt you even more. I held my breath through the days and weeks that he didn't touch you. We left him four times, and he always found us and made us come home. Back then, [in the 80s], there were no women's shelters in our area. No one in our family would help us. Abuse was accepted as part of the family life in our family. I just hoped and prayed that you wouldn't do or say something that would set your dad off. That you would just go to school and be good. But, you always seemed to make him mad somehow. After awhile, I realized that there was no way out. I dropped out of high school in the eight grade and had no way of getting a job. I couldn't even drive. Everything was in his name. Even if we would have been able to leave for good, how could I have raised you and your brother? In fear of him trying to find us and hurt us. I thought at the time that the best thing that I could do was to just wait it out. To wait until he stopped beating you or wait until you left home. I didn't want him to hurt you, but I really felt like I was powerless. Even when we had to take you to the emergency room, the doctors knew it was abuse but did nothing. I kept praying for someone to help us, but no one did. I am sorry for what he did to you, but even now I can't imagine how I would have dealt with it differently."

I was an undergraduate when she told me this. I still hate her for what she did not do, but I at least have an idea of what her motivation was for not trying to stop him. He outweighed her by 200 lbs and was a foot taller than her. She had nowhere to go and she feared that if she did try to interfere, he would hurt me even worse. She did not know about the sexual abuse until I told her right after I got married.

I even tried on my own several times to get someone to come and help me. I told my school counselors what was going on and they did nothing. I even ran away from home at age 13 and ended up at a so-called child shelter. I told them how my step-dad beat me. Right before I left, he had broken the handle of a broom over my back. Yet, they called my parents and after asking them a few questions sent me home with them. I went home with the abuser with their consent and insistence!!!

So, you see, child abuse is not the fault of the mother, but the fault of a society so interested in staying out of the family's business that it refused to help a little girl who even tries to help herself. We must stop blaming the mother and improve the way our society and government agencies deal with abuse. I think we are coming along way in this direction, but we still have so very far to go. Socio-economic situations help dictate what people think is acceptable family behavior and their is such a cycle of shame surrounding abuse that many families can't ever overcome.